Sunday, January 30, 2005

13 and Pornography

Actually, I've changed my mind, I do have something I need to get out. Something that's been bugging me for the past few days since I walked into 13's room and caught him looking at pornography on his computer.

He didn't seem phased at all, just closed down the screen he was looking at, feigned innocence that he didn't realise it was porn and I let him off the hook by saying "does that kinda stuff just keep popping up on your screen?". To which he answered "yes". So I scanned his machine, got rid of popups and anything that looked remotely like a popup, defragged and am hoping I won't see that happen again.

Now, I don't want to overreact to this, he's at an age where this kind of thing is going to happen I suspect...curiosity getting the better of him etc. But is he really too young to be looking at things like that? I mean, you have to be at least 16 to do the deed don't you?...and in fact here in NZ, you can't even buy a girly magazine unless you're over the age of 18. Going on those facts, I feel he's too young.

But I'm trying to keep an open mind about it. I spoke to his father about it on Friday, thought I'd find out what his view of it was. He mentioned that it's natural and he was looking at magazines at that age (found under his Dad's bed). My argument to that is that the net is different from a couple of magazines. There is a huge resource on there about sex and some of it not particularly appealing, some of it downright disturbing. So Dad says for me to tell 13 that I'm aware of what he's looking at, that I can check his history anytime to find out where he's been going and should it happen again, I'm to pull the plug out of the back of the router for a month until he stops it.

I spoke to England last night about it. He said same thing as Dad, that it's natural but to keep an eye on how often he's looking at it. He says "if he's disappearing off into his bedroom all the time for hours at a time, then I'd suggest talking about it to him first and then pulling the plug" OMG, he's always in his bedroom...I just assumed that's something that teenagers do, bugger off and live their own lives behind their bedroom doors.

I sat 13 down and told him that I understood that he was curious to be looking at things like that, but he must understand that sex was not all about what he was seeing on those sites. I was concerned that he could get the wrong impression with some of the nasty stuff that can be seen on there. I also told him I'd prefer he didn't go looking at those sites at all. Time (and history)will tell I guess.

I do have to tell you that 13 has a girlfriend, nice girl (although 15 says she's a bit on the tough side, in fact he said he reckons she wears army boots). 13's been meeting this young lady quite a bit lately at the park...he's gone for a few hours at a time, and I shudder to think what my baby's upto while noone's looking, but I'm trying to be an understanding mother. Thing is, last time he came home from the park, he asked "when is the next time I'm alone in the house? I mean, like, when you're at work and 15's not here?". Immediately my senses were on full alert. I mean, that's a pretty big question to ask a mother who can jump to all sorts of conclusions. In the end I told him that I would ring his girlfriend's mother first and see if she was ok about her daughter being alone in the house with him (it's called passing the buck I believe). Needless to say I didn't have to ring the mother, he was quick to drop the conversation after that.

This coupled with his online adventures of late have me fighting with myself about openmindedness and understanding or removing the PC completely from his touch and shutting him in a closet until he's 30.

I'm not sure I'm cut out to be a mother of teenagers at times like these.


15 comes home tomorrow! yayyyyyy! I've been madly running around doing housework to get everything nice and tidy and clean for him. Amazing eh? lol Not sure why I even's not like he's never seen the house untidy or dirty before.

It is such a GORGEOUS day today, and it's hot, soooo hot, I feel like I'm melting. I love it when the sun shines...lets off all that seratonin, makes us feel really good.

My newly married tenants are back and all kittens are present. They look harrassed and tired (the tenants not the kittens). No wonder after driving for several hours in this heat.

I don't have much to write unless you want to hear what's happening with England and Canada again, and I suspect all that business is getting rather boring for you. God only knows I'm getting fed up discussing it all.
Friday, January 28, 2005

Stationery, Missing Kittens and Cat Crap

13 and I went out today. Not anywhere special really, just to do stationery shopping because college (high school) starts back next week. My god, I hate this part of the year! After we’d messed around in the store for ages, dodging around other parents and children and finding all the necessary items we get to the check out – it only cost me $73! That’s right, only $73, I didn’t miss a 2 at the front of that. It’s made me wonder if perhaps I have forgotten something really important. I don’t believe their combined stationery has ever cost me such a small amount.

Stopped into the supermarket next – we were in desperate need of toilet paper, and I was getting fed up with using handy towels (they’re the handiest towel around, don’t ya know?). 13 reaches for a pack of rolls that have pictures printed on…don’t know what they were, little doodas, marine animals, seashells, whatever…I say “no, I like these best” reaching for the white quilted sort. He says “nah, let’s get these”, I go “no, I don’t like the stuff with the pictures on” He says “wow Mum, I’m really glad to see you’re so in touch with your inner toiletness”.

Dairy next stop, grabbed an icecream each and sat at the beach and ate them. It was such a beautiful day today. Was lovely just sitting in the sunshine, watching other people wading about in the water. Real sunburn material today was.

Get home, find one of the kitten’s downstairs is missing (we’re kitten sitting, the tenant’s have gone north to get married today. What is it with having to go north to do that??). Hunted high and low, no black kitten. Daren’t get in touch with their owners, wouldn’t want to spoil their big day by telling them we seem to have lost one of their babies.

This all happens before I get upstairs to my house. Climb the stairs, unlock the door, our cat shoots out making me instantly suspicious – I head straight for the bathroom….yep, it’s confirmed….she’s crapped in the bath *sigh*

Just think, half an hour earlier I was driving home, windows down, wind blowing hair in my face (dangerous as that may sound, it still felt good), Limp Bizkit’s “Behind Blue Eyes” blaring on the stereo, and I was thinking to myself “this has been a good day”.

Oh, I must also let you know, I am no longer itching, dunno what that was earlier but, no fleas and no nits are resident on my being, so that’s a very positive sign I’m not a home to parasites.
Monday, January 24, 2005

An Itchy Day

I heard from 15 yesterday. Two emails, yep, that’s right, not one but two! Guess them coming in ‘bulk’ like that should appease me in some way. Anyway, he’s having a fantastic time, it’s snowing, and I quote “OMG SO MUCH SNOW!!! IT’S AWESOME!” unquote. Being Kiwis living in the capital city of New Zealand, we don’t have much call for snow here I’m afraid, so the novelty of that is pretty spectacular to him. Sounds to me like he’s enjoying the shopping more than anything else.

My chat with England last night was the other side of spectacular actually, it was pretty damn horrible to say the least. Mind you, I guess I’ve been through worse with him lately. He’s still having trouble getting his head around what I’ve done. Said “...for you to go to Canada and fall into bed at the drop of a hat, just all seems too easy to me”. Boy I’m getting fed up with us talking about this all the time! I want to move on and be excited about planning this trip with him. Course, the perpetrator is always the one that wants to move on. Obviously I can’t be winging my way over there if this is still hanging over our heads, so it has to be done. I told him last night “Things were feeling so positive between us…tonight has not been positive at all…in fact it feels like utter shit...I feel like we’re sinking”. Amazingly enough he told me we’re sure to get through it and let’s just see what the next few weeks bring. We did manage to end our chat on a lighter note, so that’s something I can cling to.


Today I’m wondering if the new tenants and their ‘lovely’ kittens have fleas. Considering the two little blighters have been up here hanging around the fridge door and making basic nuisances of themselves, the itching I’ve started doing the last couple of days has me thinking there’s a strong possibility of a flea invasion.

Last night the back of my head was itchy...was starting to drive me nuts how itchy it was...and again this morning...soooooooo, now I’m left wondering if perhaps I have nits (head lice) as well. Never had those before and by God I sure as hell don’t want them now. I have very thick long dark hair...if I’ve contracted those things I’m never going to be able to get rid of them!
This itchy stuff is all speculation at the moment of course...I haven’t seen any hardcore evidence of creepy crawlies and am hoping like hell that I don’t. I'm hoping I'm doing all this scratching due to stress or the like.

One more thing...I discovered I’m constipated this morning...hooray for my arse!...I took a couple of laxatives...several hours later my stomach starts churning, I’m thinking “way hey, here we go”...park up on the toilet...and good lord, if it weren’t like I was trying to dislodge a rugby ball.

Oh well…it’s been an interesting day...for my body at least anyway.
Sunday, January 23, 2005

Will It Never End??

On the dilemma of England and Canada, today has not been a particularly good day really. Last night I decided it was time I could go into the room with my usual nic on...this week I've been going in there more often under different nics, and unfortunately on a couple of occasions I've been assigned to Canada and had to play against him. Like I said, last night I went in under my old nic, thought he'd be asleep at that time of night...not so....he came into the room after I'd been assigned my first opponent and 2 minutes later I received an email from him "so much for not playing in here any more"...that started off a string of emails back and forth between us, that didn't finish til a couple of hours after I got up this morning. So now I have promised him I won't go into that room at all, not ever...a mutual friend of ours reckoned he was ok with things and he would cope with me being there...I should've gone with my gut instinct and not turned up.

Going into that room under different nicknames is crap for me. All the people that I've known for the past year don't know who I am....I've become a stranger in amongst a room that's been a big part of my life for the past 18 months. As Canada would see it, that's a small price to pay compared to what I've dealt him. I largely went back in there to try and contact a good friend of mine, who I met when I was in Vancouver. It's the only way for me to contact her. Anyway, I've now got that sorted out so that I can get hold of her, so there's no need for me to go back in there. But I will continue to use my old nickname and play in other rooms should I feel like it. It's been an odd feeling losing my identity these past few weeks.

On the England good as things are trying to get, and with my imminent trip (god, ages away yet) I am still trying to prove myself to him. Over and over again....just about every weekend, after he's finished gigging, especially on the Saturday night (what is it with Saturdays??), I'm getting text messages that relay anything other than him feeling secure in this relationship. I don't know what else I can do to put his mind at ease and I suspect there isn't much I can do but keep riding this out. He wants me to send him sexy messages, it strokes his ego I guess, makes him know that I want him and only him. So I do that this morning, in time for him to get off stage....and I get a response like "yeah but ya see, last time you did that it wasn't with me". So, here we have the fall-out of my graphic description of me and Canada together.

Am I going to come out of this do you think? Or am I going to end up in a heap on the floor? I've been running myself ragged the past few weeks reassuring England he's the man for me...and going to such lengths to do that too...and trying to make Canada understand that I didn't just use him and toss him aside, that he really did/does mean a lot to me. Right now I feel like telling them both to go onto the motorway and play with the cars.

I guess this is my just desserts being served.
Friday, January 21, 2005

Where is 15?

I haven't heard from 15 for almost two weeks now. Hence I'm starting to get a little worried. I see my Visa balance rising and I wonder if he has enough money for what he needs or wants over there in Japan. Being the true paranoid mother that I can be at times, I write an email to one of the teachers that's over there with him, asking her to basically give him a smack in the back of the head and send word home so his mother can relax. I received her reply this morning. She said all's well, and that unfortunately for most of the kids, a lot of their last homestays didn't have internet, and at the school they could only read the messages, not reply to them.

So, I feel better now....I know he's still alive and I know he has enough money (she mentioned that she felt sure he had already bought whatever he wanted while he was there). Man, I miss that kid! Despite the fact that he's quite a bit taller than me and gives me a fair bit of schtick at times, I still miss him like crazy. I've been listening to one of his favourite drum tracks alot...makes me feel like he's here. He's a drummer, did I tell you that? A very good one too. This morning I was caught by 13, sitting on 15's bed with his duvet cover wrapped around smelled just like him! 13 walked away sighing and rolling his eyes.

What's he going to be like when he comes home? Will he be changed? Will he have grown into a man over the month he's gone? What if he wants to move out of home now that he's so very independently travelled across the globe without me??! I sent him an email earlier this week, told him of my plans to visit England. No doubt I'll hear his opinion on that when he gets back.

Isn't it interesting how the dynamics change so much in the house when we decrease to one woman, two teenage sons? 15 has become my right hand man, he's my sounding board for whatever crazy idea I have at the time.....he does just about everything the man of the house used to do. Well, actually, that's not entirely true, 15 does more than that...the ex man of the house did squat all...hence him being the ex man of the house now.

I want 15 home now. I've had enough of this independence of coping with life in general without him. I need him back here to lean on. OMG! How selfish does that sound??

But you know what? With him being's actually given 13 the opportunity to stand up and be counted. He's taken over some of the chores that 15 used to do...granted, he still disappears into his bedroom and I don't see him for hours...but I think this has been a good thing for the two of us. I'm so used to treating him like my baby...ffs woman! he's 13 years old! he's hardly a baby anymore. I suspect one day they'll both disappear...and to further away than their bedrooms. *sob*

Before 15 went to Japan, he was filling out the Visa application at the bank..he asked me "what's a dependant?"...I explain that's what he is, someone that depends on me financially because they're not able to do so for themselves yet. He says "oh right, ok then. When you're old and crusty, you can be one of my dependants". How friggin sweet is that?? Bring it on baby!

I feel so secure in the fact that I have a future already set up being his dependant...woo hoooo! I can see myself now, being one of those elderly people...the ones that make it difficult for nursing staff...throwing meals back at them...scampering out the door the minute it's open...inviting the wrinkled old men into my room to show them my 'etchings'.

"Wherever you go, no matter how far, my love is with you, wherever you are"
Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Neener Neener, My Fanny's Beautiful

I finally sent the photos of my um, you know, to England. He was wonderful about it. Said the photos were was beautiful *blush*. But hey, this is from a man who says that all women look beautiful down there to him, and besides, it's been such a long time since he saw one up close in the flesh, he's hardly going to complain is he? (And let me just say here that I took that baby so close up, he probably felt he could virtually climb into it lol. Give me a break people...the angle's hardly the easiest to achieve!) I must say for Bella's sake, that England sent me some photos recently (a few years old) of him gigging on stage. The lead singer at the time was a woman, she was rather frumpy looking, I feel that perhaps the clothes she was wearing didn't do her any favours. Anyway, I thought she was a man! England, I know, had slept with this lady on a few occasions while they were touring, and that didn't bother me, the past is the past, but what he said that did get to me was "she was pretty chubby really, I look at that pic now and I think, my god, what was I thinking?" Holy hell, I'm overweight, and not comfortably so at the moment...I keep trying to lose it, but it just keeps finding me *sigh*. Hearing him say that kinda burned, and not calories. All I replied with was "yeah, well, so am I, just a different shape". I mean, what the hell am I supposed to say back to a comment like that? "Yeah you're right, what were you thinking?? Probably best just to burn all the fat people and be done with them" ?? Shit, my arse would be on fire before you could say "Pass the matches please".

Bella asked me if, after divulging the finer details of Canada and I together whether, for England, this subject is now dead and buried. To be perfectly honest, I'm not sure. He goes in waves. At times things are wonderful and we're forging ahead, other times, he needs to hear more...needs the reassurance that it's him and only him that I want. I don't think there's anything more than what I've told him now, so I'm hoping this will be end of it. I can't handle having to drag it all up again, rehash the wonderful times Canada and I had together...I'm trying to move forward with this, not keep going back. It hurts to keep remembering. I think about Canada every day, several times a day...every single day. Bringing him up again and again is not helping me to get past him.

I have read Bella's latest post regarding the savings she's done and what she went through to get together enough money to visit Nick next month. She is to be commended in all that she did to get to this point. I congratulate her on such an effort and also for her recent promotion, wooo hoooo, excellent news Bella!

I have a few plans myself as to saving money. For one, I have this terrible addiction to V. For those of you that don't know, that's a high caffeine energy drink that's transparent green in colour, and filled with bubbles, just talking about it now makes my throat constrict and yearn for the feeling of it sliding down it's walls. These little gems are worth only $3 each, but I've been drinking at least 2 of these a day...that's 14 a week, 56 in a 4 week month. That folks, comes out to $2,106 per annum, which incidentally would make up my airfare to England in the winter. So, yesterday was the beginning of my "No V" days. It's a start. Besides, I can't exactly work out what I can save as yet, I'll wait til the boys are back at school which is when I'll be able to get a better estimate. (I must just add here, that while I was away with Canada, they have no such drink over there, so I went a whole month without one....til I arrived home...what should I see as I'm coming off the plane into the terminal?, but 15 standing there with a V in his welcome home present.)

The second...more major giving up smoking. I don't feel I'm ready to take this big step yet, but I know it would save me zillions of dollars by doing so. One of the nurses at work has been hanging around me lately, she's keen to use me as her guinea pig for the new "quit smoking" programme she's now qualified to run. Unfortunately for me, I am the only one at work that actually smokes. I say "unfortunately" because this makes me her prime target, and there's only so much diving and dipping I can do to get away from her. Shoot, I can't give all my vices up in one go...I'll shrivel up and die before that happens. First Canada, now V, then smoking...all in a timely fashion please.

We were so busy this morning at work, I came home, fell face down on the bed and thought "omg and here's me wanting to do double shifts, could I handle another 5 hours or so of that?" But you know what?, even though I haven't started doing doubles, I know I'll cope, because I have to, I want to, nothing short of my children falling ill or a major catastrophe is going to stop me from reaching London in February next year. Actually, I still don't know exactly when I'm going...the bride-to-be rang me yesterday to say she was thinking of changing the wedding date! Lucky she couldn't see the look on my face.

After the wedding sounds so much better for all concerned, but depending on how far away that is, could make a hell of a difference to the cost of the flight and the availability of my man to be waiting at the airport. Let's face it, who wants to arrive at Heathrow without someone there to welcome them? He's told me he'll hold up a sign that says "Blowjob NZ" *gasp* Oh well, guess it'll break the ice as I thump him eh? Mind you, that's not how I ever envisaged touching him for the first time.
Tuesday, January 18, 2005

England here I come! Wooo hooo!

Ok, it's not for ages yet, but even so, it's feeling pretty exciting lol.

Spoke to England again this morning. We discussed when would be a good time for me to be over there and have decided that after the wedding would be best. That way I don't have to rush off if I don't want to. This also gives me more time to get cash together and the boys will be back at school, so I'll get the chance to settle them there before I go. Haven't worked out what I'm going to do with them yet, but hoping Dad will come to the party again and help me on that one.

AND, what's even better is, the bride-to-be rang me last night, she thinks she's found a venue she's happy with down here, so I may not have to worry about the financial side of things to get up north. yes! Shouldn't count my chickens til they're hatched really, need to wait for confirmation on that one.

I spoke to the practise manager at work, told her that anyone that needs their shift covered this year, I'm her girl, I want as many as she can give me. She's already given me extra shifts for May so far (seems a long way away but hey, there's bound to be more coming up sooner). This is going to mean I'll be doing double shifts for a few weeks, but hey, it's going to be worth it. Might run myself into the ground making the dosh I need, but that's ok, my enthusiasm for my goal will keep me pumping.
Sunday, January 16, 2005

The Future - Beans on Toast

Things settled down in our chat, he knew how difficult telling had been. It's a strong man that can listen to his loved one go into such graphic detail about her affair with another and still be calm. I know it was painful for him but he obviously had to find out, and hopefully now that he knows, it'll help us move on.


I told him I had something else I wanted to discuss with him, and I asked that we shut down that particular chat screen and open a new one for our new subject. So, I bring up the fact that I've been thinking about coming over there. That I want to stay with him, and I want to put some plans in place, set a financial goal for myself, find out how much I need and work my way up from there (thank you Bella, for the inspiration).

He was delighted. He started talking about what we could do, where we could go, what he wanted to show me. He suggested that we spend a week in London (I'm assuming that's after he picks me up from the airport). Said he'd pay for it, no sweat...stay in a swanky hotel in the middle of the city. The thought of all this lifted the mood of our chat. His enthusiastic response, despite what I'd just told him, made me feel humbled...even after all these years, he continues to surprise me with his strength to keep going regardless of adversity. Do I deserve such a good, decent and forgiving man?

I feel giddy with excitement, overwhelmed with relief that he still wants me with him. It feels good to have a goal, a, I just have to make sure I can make it happen. I'm determined to get there. We discussed the end of this year, or early next. I have a wedding to attend in February 2006, and it's one I can't possibly miss out on, the parents of my favourite 8 month old are getting married then, I've been asked to do a reading at their wedding. Besides, I don't want to miss out on sharing two such very special people in my life coming together in matrimony.

So, I need to take that into account too, I'll have to get it organised that when I get back into the country I still have enough funds to get me and the boys up north for their wedding.

So much to think about, so much to organise and so much money to be made! God help me, is it possible? Well, I'm going to have to make it so aren't I? I'll take on more shifts at the surgery whenever possible...get the boy's father to contribute financially to their schooling (haha, so I'm dreaming with that bit), cut back at home. We'll be eating beans on toast for dinner every night!

It's going to happen.

Needing Details

Last night England wanted me to tell him about sex with Canada. He actually wanted me to go into detail...right down to the nitty gritty. I told him I'm not sure how doing that would help us move forward. Felt that it would be like driving the knife in deeper for him. But he said it hurt more not knowing...he needed to hear it all, so he could accept it and move on. The logic of that was lost on me. He also made it clear that he didn't want to hear it to get his kicks out of it. It was important to him to know exactly what happened, how it started...he wanted to know, did I enjoy it? was it good? I told him it would be easier if he asked questions and I would give him straight answers...but he said no, he needed to hear it from my perspective, hear it in my own words.

So I started to talk about it...hesitating and faltering all the way....and I bawled like a baby the entire time. He was silent while I typed and I sat here so wanting him to interrupt wanting to stop the flow of words from my keyboard. He knew I was upset and crying and suggested that maybe I should stop...compose myself and come back to it when I felt better. I see my words through tears saying "no, if this is going to help with the healing process, then let's get on with it, I'll only end up in the same state if I have to go through this again". So I continued. I went back in time and relived Canada and I making love, I cried to the point I was unable to see the words I was writing...I cried because I didn't want to hurt England by telling him how good it all felt, how wonderful it was for Canada to touch me...and I cried because I was betraying Canada and the intimacy and love we'd shared.

The rest of the conversation was spent with him asking the same questions we'd been through already....round and round in circles I felt we were going....but I hung in there, because he obviously felt the need to rehash it all and if this was going to help us move on, then I had to deal with it. He was surprisingly calm during the entire conversation...he spoke no words of anger or hurt to me...he just had to know.

Writing the above words has me crying again. I've cried so much of late, I thought I'd run out of tears. I'll come back later and continue with the rest of what we talked about...the conversation did finish on a happier note.

Saturday, January 15, 2005

The Meaning of Fanny?

It's been brought to my notice that I should elaborate on my use of the word fanny in my previous post. I wouldn't like anyone to be thinking I've been taking a shot of my arsehole really. Bad enough that I had to get into such a position to take a shot of the other bit.

The 'other bit' being my pussy *blush*. I don't have much of a problem saying this word out loud, or even writing it when speaking to those I'm closest to, but when it came to writing it in here "fanny" sounded better, more subdued to my eyes.

Anyway, I looked it up in the dictionary, it says "fanny n. sl. female genitals. US sl. buttocks. [orig. unkn.] ugly nether regions of Sara" Ok, that's a lie, I put that last part in myself. But it does show that I wasn't wrong with using the word fanny, except for the US citizens who think it's my butt.

Friday, January 14, 2005

The Colour of Fanny

This afternoon I spent some time in the bedroom trying to take a photo of my nether regions for England. My god, what a fiasco that was. I have to say here, I tried this a couple of nights ago, it was late, I had the flash setting on, and each picture I took looked like I had the sun shining out of my fanny, so I gave up. I mean to say, I'm sure we'd all like to think we've a bright light shining out of us for someone right? and my ex husband always said I was sitting on the biggest gold mine there was, but it wasn't a true showing of what I really look like down there, so I deleted all those (thank god for the delete function on digital cameras).

Today however, I managed to get it sorted, natural light, no flash, just me.

Good Lord, have you even seen anything so hideously ugly before?? I'm not one for inspecting myself on a regular basis in the mirror in that position, and now that I've seen a close up of it, it's no bloody wonder! And then there was the colour of it...made me start wondering, if I ate something blue (maybe blueberries, or drink lots of blue dyed juice or something similar) would that turn it purple? If I ate heaps of carrots or oranges, would that turn it a pale pinky orange hue?

Straight after seeing these pics, I go online and speak to my closest friend, asking her what hers looked like when she got her hubby to take pics of it. Was it ugly? What colour was it? Did he like said pics? Question after question until she was asking her hubby what he thought and are there any out there he'd seen previously that he thought were hideous? and just exactly what constitutes an ugly fanny in the eyes of men?

He refused to answer most of them, he's been in this position before. We've drilled him on the likes of similar made him nervous to be asked such questions again. So, she starts asking other men on her msn list, ones that she's known for a while and talked about everything with. One guy says "don't think I've ever seen an ugly one". That response made me feel better. Next guy says "well it's the shape of them...some look a bit beat up" Say what? what does that mean?

So now, after all this nervous laughter and carry on with my friend and us hunting for the mystery of the ugly fanny, I still have these photos, protected and hidden within the tiny metal confines of my digital camera, and my brain starts fighting with itself.... "Will I ever get up the courage to send these? (Course I will, I took them for that purpose right?)...What if he hates them? (Nah, surely not, it's me and he loves me, so he'll love them)...What if it is indeed the ugliest fanny on the face of the earth? (If he has the balls to say that, I shall fly over there, spare funds or no spare funds, and he will die a slow painful death)"

Ok, think I've got this organised mentally for the time being.

14 January 2005

Bella has got me to thinking. I need a more positive direction to go in with England. I need to set a goal and a date and sort out my finances and get my hiney over there. After the initial chat of confessing all about Canada and trying to work through it with England, I said to him (England) "perhaps next time we get online and chat we can talk about what we expect of and from each other?" He told me to slow down and let's get over this hurdle first. I suspect his heart rate had gone up and he was thinking I meant something along the lines of a marriage proposal or some such milarky. Not so. I meant as far as timing for texting and perhaps more chatting and being more open with each other. Wearing our hearts on our sleeves etc.

This weekend I'm going to talk to him about visiting him in England. God knows we used to talk about it at length. I briefly brought the subject up a couple of weeks ago, saying how very expensive it is over there. Well let's face it, it's bloody expensive in England, especially for us Kiwis, our dollar melts into about 30p or so. He said "Yes, but I would take care of the accommodation etc obviously" That left me wondering what "etc" actually encompasses. And besides, I'd like to make sure I had plenty of money behind me should I need to rush home in a hurry, I don't like the idea of someone else paying for much of anything for me, I'm an independent woman and choose to stay that way.

Soooo, I shall talk to him about a date, set myself a goal financially, and find out what "etc" stands for, so I know just exactly what it entails...what I need or don't need...the minimum amount of funds I need for the time being, and work my way up from there. I've done it before...had the savings set aside...but I was also working two jobs at the time so the money was coming easier....then my washing machine tenants downstairs handed me notice.....couple that with 15's first year of college and my nest egg dwindled to taking a trip to the south island, not the the east of England. At that time England had been making noises about coming over here...him being tied into a contract gig-wise didn't help matters but the thought had always been there. We'd both like to visit each other's countries.

This has given me new inspiration to get my bum moving and put some direction in my relationship with him. I have to meet him don't I? Otherwise I'm never going to know if the chemistry and affinity we have is only online connection...and the way we've felt about each other over the years is real...the emotions and yearnings...all physical and mental...are very real...I have to act on this.
Thursday, January 13, 2005

Medical Mishaps

A 9 year old boy came in today. Well, his mother did. He sat in the car in too much pain, couldn't move without his shoulder hurting so badly. The doctors are tied up, can't disturb them yet. So, I'm standing outside the closed door of the nurse's room, calling to her through the door. She comes back with "do you really really need me right now?" I say "nah, it's ok, don't worry about it, I'll get it sorted". I go back to the front desk, check the schedule. The nurse is actually in the midst of performing a cervical smear...and I'm yelling at her through the door...the patient was probably lying back with her legs spread trying to pretend the nurse wasn't calling into her fanny....not a good look for public relations.

Eventually, the doctor comes bounding out to collect his patient (he's always so enthusiastic when they're this age, I recall him saying to me once "do you know what the average age of my patient's today was?? 92..that's right, 92". Ever since then I have endeavoured to make sure that I give him some younguns to bring that average down)..anyway, he comes rushing out to welcome this young patient, and I yell out from behind the desk "Don't touch him!" Him being the eager beaver that he is for this young man, would likely reach out and grab him before realising the poor lad was flinching any time his mum even looked at his shoulder.

Some of the things I get to hear over the phone are not exactly what I'm ready for. In some surgeries the nurses actually answer the phones as well, and some of our patients think that's the same for us. Not so. At 8am on a Thursday morning, I'm afraid I'm just not ready to be hearing that a 45 year old man has been to the toilet that morning and noticed blood on his toilet paper. I'm not ready to hear a 22 year old male telling me his girlfriend has thrown his pills into the fire because they give him erectile disfunction...and I'm certainly not ready to hear that one of our psychiatric patients has a boil on his anus and wants me and only me to inspect it at close range.

Add that to arguing with the 94 year old the day before about money and I'm ready to run out the door at the end of my shift. I must also add, that yesterday I told you I was talking 'softly' but firmly with him. Let me advise...there really is no way to talk softly to a 94 year kinda have to yell at them...otherwise they can't hear you.

A few weeks ago, a mother, clutching a 9 month old infant, pulling a 4 year old behind her, came running in the door, while a friend carried her daughter to the treatment room. She was almost 3 years old, blood all over her hands, all over her mouth and down her neck, good sized bruise in the shape of an egg on her forehead. She was gorgeous...long blonde hair, huge blue eyes....completely calm while the nurse tried to clean her up so the doctor could see the extent of her injuries.
15 minutes later Dad came rushing in the door, frightened expression after receiving a distraught cellphone call from his wife.

I went into see her just before I left....she was lying on her back, eyes rolling up into her head and they were all doing their best to keep her awake. The ambulance pulled up outside as I stepped out the door for home. I spent the entire time driving home fighting the urge to cry.

I really do love my job, but there are certainly some days more difficult than others to deal with.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Feeling a Little Better Tonight

Work wasn't frantic, just constant this afternoon, I actually made it out of there by 6pm. Different story for the doctors. We only had two doctors on this afternoon...both men. Neither of them thought the other was there, they'd had no time to even sight each other.

I had a slight disagreement with a 94 year old *embarrassed expression*. He was insisting he'd paid an account, and I had no record whatsoever of it being paid. The software we use is very precise. I hate arguing over money! Especially with 94 year olds, you never know if their blood pressure is rising as you try talking softly but firmly with them *sigh*

Positives for the day: 13 brought all the washing in and emptied the dishwasher without me having to ring from work and ask him; I received word from 15 himself, he's having a terrific time, says Japan is amazing, and "I haven't lost anything, so be happy". (His email ended with "they have vending machines everywhere and they've got hot canned coffee in them!"); the cat didn't crap anywhere else in the house while I was gone; I've finally let the flat out downstairs to a lovely young couple who move in on Thursday; at the moment it's only NZ$1,999 to fly to England; and we had pizza for dinner, so I didn't have to cook.

Negatives for the day: I miss Canada; I'm concerned England and I will slip back into our 'old' ways; I wonder how long it will be before I am really kissed again; I don't have a spare $1,999 to fly to England; I keep weighing Canada and England up against each other, pros and cons; I miss my friends on the Zone and feel rather cut off by them; and I appear to have become lost in Blogland instead.

To end this on a more positive note, I will share a text message I got from England some time ago...I was texting him to say goodnight, and he replied with "When the sandman comes to gently rock yr cradle, he too will be captivated with desire for you, but he smiles and he fades with daybreak, he knows you are mine xx"

Start to My Day

I walked into the laundry this morning to find the cat had crapped all over the floor (my own fault, I'd locked her in there last night without realising). I cleaned that up, gagging the entire time.

I miss Canada alot today. Miss talking to him, the banter and the feeling of adoring love he would shower on me. Selfish of me really.

I need to hang out the washing and get ready for work. Working at 1pm today and closing up the surgery, so I guess I'll be there until around 6.30ish.

Today does not feel like a good day.
Tuesday, January 11, 2005

YOU'RE Confused?

Sunday afternoon, before the evening of all the hoorah with England, I got a call from a close friend of mine. Her relationship of almost 3 years had finally come to an end, and strong woman that she is, she was falling to pieces. Her ex boyfriend, had told her, right from the start, that he wanted children, but he also knew, right from the start that due to untold woman's problems, she'd had to have the surgery necessary to stop producing said offspring (in fact he visited her in hospital and supported her during this difficult body adjustment).

So why did they continue to cling to each other for the next almost 3 years? My girlfriend did everything she thought he wanted, she lost weight, she lightened her hair (apparently he's partial to blondes) and whatever else she thought he wanted, and he lapped it all up. Is she a foolish woman for continuing with him for such a length of time? I mean, afterall, he did tell her didn't he? He also told her that he loved her, that he felt she was his soulmate and that he loved having her in his life *confused expression*

So after the initial panic of wondering if I was going to have enough time to get prepared for my English expedition, I came to the conclusion that her emotional needs were far more important than my sexual ones. I turned up at her house that afternoon, weighted down with chocolate, chippies (crisps) and my now addictive V (not to mention guilt, because I knew I was going to witness Canada in the female form) and held her why she cried, ranted and reminisced over me. I wanted to knock the man fair in the jaw for hurting my friend so badly.

The irony of all this, is that I was sitting before an almost identical replica of what Canada must be going through. Seeing her in such an emotional state, the highs and lows of it, the anger and frustration and the utter confusion at it coming to this. That must be what Canada felt, may still be feeling. He did nothing wrong, in fact he did everything right.

I guess that sometimes, no matter how much we want them, or how badly we try changing to accommodate them, we are just not going to get what we want. Another of my friends has changed her name on msn to "don't make someone a priority in your life, if you're only an option to them". How many of us take what we're handed on a platter because nothing better has come along thus far? I sure as hell wouldn't want to be treated as second fiddle, so why do some of us treat others that way? Possibly because we're not aware we're doing it at the time? Possibly because the feeling of love is so incredibly amazing and we just have to feel it. Which of course stands to reason why so many of us go through the heartbreak of it and then jump back on the wagon (or fall off it). Or maybe we're just being selfish? Something else worth pondering I would think.
Monday, January 10, 2005

Sex From A Font?

Well, let me tell you about my experience with England last night. I know you're not really that interested, but hey, documented proof is documented proof afterall. Right, the scene is set. I've got the laptop booted up and ready to connect to ICQ and yahoo, I've got the headset/microphone sitting on the bed, ready and waiting, I've plugged the ethernet cable into the back of the laptop and I've got the camera sitting across the room on top of my tallboy, waiting to shoot me in all my um glory.

So, prior to all this happening, I test out the webcam bit, make sure the angle's right, the lighting point in turning it on if all he gets to see is the ceiling light...I grab a good friend on yahoo, send her a message saying "so, what do you reckon?" she looks..."OMG, it makes you look HUGE!" (oh christ, I think, that's all I need). So I decide to skip the webcam thingy...chicken. Which is just as well, cos I wasn't too keen to be seen on it wearing nothing but the headset/mic. That afternoon I'm thinking "hm, wonder what he'd prefer? to see me doing that? or to hear me doing that?"

After my friend's comment, I opted for the hearing bit. So blah blah blah is all going well, except for three things...1) I have to lie in such a position that I can see what he's typing on the screen...2) because I need to read what he's typing and respond to it, I have to keep my eyes open, which is not the easiest of things, considering we tend to close our eyes while we're, well, you know...and 3) right in amongst the "oh gods" his son and son's girlfriend wander up the you can imagine, I'm in the throes of all this business and then all of a sudden I hear the 'beeps' of yahoo telling me that my 'talking' has been disconnected.

ICQ shuts down, yahoo voice chat has been disconnected...I'm horizontal, and have a strong urge to yell "oh lord, WHAT KINDA TIMING DO YOU CALL THAT??!". Mind you, there'd have been no point...noone was listening *sigh*

So I type "Um Babe? everything ok?" his response "yes I'm fine, just a bit flustered lol. Sorry, the kids just came upstairs. I didn't hear them". So, ok, I'm thinking, this has not been all for nothing, because if he didn't hear them, then he must've been lost in what I was doing. I can live with that.

So the end of that saga was....I proved to him that I was prepared to go that extra mile (let's face it, it was different), he's decided it's time to get a headset/mic (yay!), and I got a bloody good night's sleep for the first time in ages. Now I guess at some stage I have to get up the courage to do the webcam thing. Although all the above (and the thought of the webcam thing) seems a bit on the sordid side (not to mention a tad over the top)...desperate times call for desperate measures...and besides, it's not that sordid if it's between two consenting adults that love each other (feels better for my morals to say that part).

Long as I don't have to be on the camera hanging from a harness attached to my bedroom ceiling, I can live with it. Way heeey, bring on the next challenge!


Back to work this morning. Felt like I hadn't been there for sooooooo long. Course, didn't take long to get back into the stride of things.

As I rolled wearily out of bed and slipped my clothes on with my eyes half closed, I wondered if I was really cut out for this work thing. I do love my job, really I do. I love dealing with the public, love smiling and flirting with the eldery, and I have the major bonus of being able to ooh and aah over the babies that come into the surgery. My favourite 8 month old came in today. She had a rash. Mum's gone back to work now and Dad is a teacher on summer holiday leave, so he brought her in. I must tell you, this 8 month old is the daughter of one of my most special friends, so I get to play with baby on a regular basis. Excuse the gushing, but I'm past having babies myself really, don't think my body would cope, so I have to throw myself all over others.

And saying that, if you've read the first part of this post, you'll now know, that there's no way in hell I'm going to be able to conceive anyway!

Sunday, January 09, 2005

The Complications and Simplicities of It All

I sat here this afternoon, mindlessly playing Bejewelled, and thought to myself “am I a particularly complicated woman?” I didn’t think so, but everything of late has me dissecting all I do. England has been unhappy with me the past couple of days, for small things, I feel anyway. And quite frankly when he gets in a mood like that I feel like sending him a text and saying “oh ffs, is that really necessary??”. But I don’t, because I know that he is trying hard to ride this wave out and me saying crap like that to him will only exacerbate the situation *sigh* Is this another case of the bad boy winning out over the nice guy?

I’m going to try something different with England tonight….I’m going to sit in my bed and chat to him either voice or typing on my laptop….I need to go the extra mile for him right now…he needs to see some kind of effort from me….AND....I’ve managed to get my digital camera to work with the laptop and make it into a web cam of sorts. Eeeeek! God help me!…*rushes off to tidy up cesspit of a bedroom*.


Why is it that all my friends these days tend to be single divorced women? I mean, isn’t it interesting how we gravitate towards those that mirror ourselves in some shape or form. I have amazing friends, wonderful women….but why are they still single after all these years?? Is it because we’ve become particularly fussy with our choices of men? Is it because we now know for sure what it is that we want or need in a partner and are less accepting of those little foibles that some men have? It’s not like we’re perfect is it?

I need a gay male friend I think. Someone who I can cuddle up to and discuss the complications and simplicities of life…someone who won’t put any pressure on me sexually but whom I love dearly and can say whatever the hell I like to. That’d be kinda cool don’t you think? We could say whatever we liked without any repercussions or having them running off into the distance (which of course, is a repercussion). Someone who will berate us for our fashion sense and not just say “you look fine “. My ex husband used to say “you look good in anything you put on hun, you know that”. Well, I was asking because I bloody didn’t know that at all!

Once when 15 and 13 were messing with my head and my house…deliberately trying to wind me up and not do as I asked…I said to them “Do you know what happened to the last person that didn’t listen to me??” They both give me bored expressions, like they could care less but ask anyway “what?” I say in a low menacing voice “He doesn’t live here anymore” Bursts of laughter from them both…oh well…can’t say I didn’t try…obviously I haven’t got this threatening thing down to a fine art yet.

On a more positive note...I got an email from the teacher who’s taken 15 to Japan this morning. Said they’d all arrived safe and sound, found the hostel and had eaten dinner. So at least I know he’s safe. I can’t help but wonder whether he’s changed his underwear and been brushing his teeth daily.

Hit Counters

I've spent the past couple of days (ok, not all day but feels like it) trying to add a hit counter to my blog. I've seen these on others blogs and have been through all manner of cutting, cutting and cutting but found nowhere I can paste to! I've read instructions upon instructions and still I can't figure it out? Is there some kinda weird community that only allows certain people to have hit counters on their blogs?? Or am I just too stupid to figure it out?

I was attempting to do this without the help of 15, but it appears I just can't comprehend HTML stuff and will have to await his return *sigh*
Saturday, January 08, 2005

First Meeting

I haven't been into the room today. Not even in a 'hider' nickname. I spoke to Canada this morning, voice chatting on yahoo. He keeps saying "you need to make the decision, if you want him more than me, then go to him". It breaks my heart that he's forgotten that I have made the decision. He doesn't want to believe it. I spoke to him today because a mutual friend of ours, who I thought I was able to confide in, had been telling him from what she's hearing, that I do indeed love him, that I miss him and she got the impression I want things to go back to the way they were. But more importantly, I spoke to him because I felt it was necessary for me to make him understand how special he was to me, that he was an important person in my life, not someone that I had used for my own benefit and then tossed aside. I couldn't possibly change my mind now. I felt better after I'd spoken to him, in fact, while he was talking to me, I felt that I had made the right decision. Something was missing...I felt it....and it was missing for me....I can't explain it.

I met Canada for the first time at Vancouver International Airport. He flew 6000km so he could spend an extra week with me. I was staying in Vancouver for a week, and then flying onto Ottawa, where I was originally going to stay with him. But he didn't want to waste any time and came to make sure he had as much time as possible with me. I arrived at the Airport to meet him with butterflies and great anticipation. What if we didn't click in reality? What if there was no chemisty? OMG, what if we bored each other stupid and had to pretend all was the same??!

He rang me on his cellphone, he'd arrived a little earlier than expected and was waiting for me near the baggage carousels. I could hear the panic, the fear in his voice. He was just as nervous as I was. When I heard that in his voice, I relaxed...I became calm and strong. I continued to speak to him while I walked through the airport in search of the carousels.

And then I saw him. I stopped talking, stopped walking...he was standing side-on..still talking to me on the phone. I watched and listened to him for about 15 seconds before he realised I'd stopped talking to him. "I can see you" I said quietly. He stopped mid-sentence, looked around and caught sight of me. "I CAN SEE YOU!" I yelled. We both burst into laughter and walked quickly to embrace and kiss each other. Lots of beaming smiles between kissing and hugging. It felt fantastic to hold each other.

The next 6-7 hours we were on a bus (which went on two ferries) to get to our destination of Powell River where we were staying with yet another online friend. After that initial meeting, we were a little awkward with each other. We were travelling with a close friend of mine, and were very conscious about not leaving her out. We really didn't know what to do with each other for a little while. Small talked about flights etc. I suspect that had we been on our own, had I turned up at his door, we would've hugged, kissed and fallen into bed. I also think that was where some of the awkwardness came from...because we weren't alone, we were conscious of watching eyes, yet we were impatient to touch and kiss, explore and whisper to each other.

Initially, we had planned to fly from Vancouver to Powell River. But we decided it would be best to take the bus/ferry, so we had that extra time to get acquainted with being around each other physically. Afterall, we would be sleeping in the same bed that first night, we had to feel right and comfortable about that. It was night time, and dark, and during the bus ride he kissed me....really kissed me....that was it...I relaxed against him and was lost in that kiss. Later on that night, when we all went to bed, I went to him, so easily, so comfortably and so hungry to finally be in his arms.

Anyone that has read my previous posts, will be scratching their heads with confusion about this. Wondering how on earth I could be speaking about Canada in such a way, with such feeling and yet still say goodbye to him. I have written this post once again for Bella. Transported myself back to that time and written as honestly as I can to be sure she can understand my feelings of that first meeting. Reliving this has not been easy under the present circumstances, but I have lots of lovely memories of Canada and I over the months, and even more beautiful ones of us together in person. At this time they are being remembered with sadness and tears for what I've let go, but I will never forget how wonderful things were between us.

English Bounty

I feel I need to write something about England before you all think I'm potty and left him out of all these goings ons.

England and I have indeed spoken about visiting each others countries. We spoke about it at length in the first couple of years. At the time I was never in a financial position to make that happen unfortunately. By the time I'd managed to get that part of my life sorted, I was in the process of talking to Canada. England, I felt, had slipped away....our relationship appeared to change me, we were now good friends small talking about our lives when we had the chance. Our chats had dwindled to once a fortnight, sometimes monthly, and I felt he wasn't so interest in being anything more than my friend. Not my lover or partner.

It saddened me to feel that way but I accepted it too readily and moved on, keeping him in the back of my mind and heart, and comparing all other men to the way I first felt about him. Noone has ever affected me with the same rush of adrenalin and excitement that England has. He swooped into my life via ICQ and knocked me off my feet. He's a strong powerful personality, has an imposing and overwhelming maleness about him and we've travelled through life the past 5 years talking of anything and everything.

There is something special about the way he affects me....I can't explain's just there, forever stalking me....forever making me feel that noone will ever measure up to the likes of him. He has a tough exterior of bravado, that shuts people out, including me...but over time I've come to realise that it's a self-defence mechanism he uses....he doesn't want to be hurt again. I feel he has high standards, too high for me to meet...and too high for me to aspire to. I was tired of trying to keep up.

He's a musician, a bass player, and has been gigging for at least 25 years now. The artistic side of him is moody and temperamental and as such we've had some rather passionate debates and arguments over time. To be expected with two such strong personalities as ours really. He said some time ago, that there would always be arguments between us...and he respected the fact that I stood my corner and fought back....argued/defended what I believed in. We can't always expect to agree on everything can we? It's what we do afterwards that's important. How we deal with these differences that's important.

I don't want a doormat that's going to lay down immediately and agree with everything I say. I'm a strong passionate woman with ideas of grandeur and dreams further afield than any rainbow...I need a strong man to bring me back to earth. And he certainly does that lol.

Bella asked me "what made you fly to Canada, but stops you from flying to England?". I guess it was insecurity at the time. I really felt that England wasn't interested in me as his partner anymore. I made a mistake in that respect. Unfortunately, what stops me from going to England now, is that I have no funds left....I've used up most of what I needed to go to Canada. I made the mistake of not asking England how he felt about me before I left the country....I made the mistake of assuming that he felt differently about me now. I went to where I felt I would be wanted and loved. I didn't want to ask England how he felt about me...because I had already assumed the answers...and quite frankly, being in denial, I didn't want to hear what I thought he was going to say. The reality of that gnaws at my consciousness.

We've had a lot of difficulties and differences of opinions to deal with over the years. Granted, what we've been going through recently has been a struggle for both of us, and quite a different hurdle than we're used to, but we're still here....still love each other very much....and in turn that makes us more determined to put the wrongs right. He has shown me again how important I really am to him. I had forgotten how wonderful that feels. If he's prepared to try to forget about my indiscretion with Canada, and strive forward towards a stronger future together, then I must put it behind me and give him my all. He deserves that much.

May I advise any of you that read this, and who have found love via the internet to make haste and meet as soon as it's possible? The longer you leave it, the harder it gets and the easier it is to drift apart. Let's face it, people drift apart even when they're living in the same takes a lot more effort of time and energy to nuture online love...especially if you're both living in different time zones.

Online love can be passionate and all-consuming and have you rushing home from work to get at the PC. It can have you climbing the walls with sexual frustration and you could possibly find yourself on the floor during a particularly steamy chat session *cough*. But I can tell you right now, it's worth it. To feel that strongly and ache that deeply for somebody you've never met? is that possible? I know England inside out...I know when something's got under his skin...from him being hacked off at the world, to the warmth he feels when seeing a two year old with rosy cheeks and bright eyes, all wrapped up with woolly hat etc seeing Santa standing before her on a snowy winter's night. When you talk to someone online, you find out what gets under their find out about the person they are on the inside... what choice do you have? there's no body language to read is there? there's no feeling of superficialness that can happen if you spy someone across a bar when you're out.

I, for one, am not into the bar/club scene, I couldn't bear the thought of having to yell over music trying to get to know somebody. This is a perfect media for me...I can sit here and chat and say whatever the hell I feel like, without any recriminations, no prejudgements, and if I don't like who I'm chatting to, or what I'm hearing, I can easily end the conversation and that works on both sides.

I have a full and interesting life away from the PC, so don't think I'm a desperate divorcee closing herself off from the outside world because she has nothing better to do. Online love can happen when you least it expect it to. I didn't go looking for it, it just happened to fall into my lap...and from hereon in, I'm going to nuture and savour it til kingdom comes! It feels good, in fact it feels bloody fantastic and those that feel it will agree with me, that it's worth the extra effort and time we all put in.

This has become a lengthy epistle. I apologise for my rambling and sometimes nonsensical words but hey, blogs are blogs and I suspect you may have heard/read worse than mine before now.

Opening Their Minds

This post is largely for Bella. As you know, I've had an online love for over 5 years now, and yes, I got some weird looks from friends and family about the going's on in my heart and mind. When England and I first met online, it took me all of 3 days to feel the pull contantly towards him. There was something about the way he strung words together, his cutting wit was a twin of mine, he's a strong, powerful personality and soon I could think of nothing else but him. Whenever I saw his name pop up on ICQ, I'd get a warm rush, an adrenalin rush. It felt bloody good and I wasn't going to stop, had to have my fix of him.

For those that don't chat online, they don't understand how such love can happen. They also think that internet people are fruit loops, axe murderers and 13 year old boys out to get their kicks. I, like Bella, was getting fed up trying to explain something others can't comprehend. At the time it seemed there was an awful amount of small minded people in my life. How do I explain to them that the person I hold dearest to my heart is a cold glass screen and a keyboard? that he sits on a desk in the corner of my lounge, waiting for me to push button him into life?

For me, at first, I was astounded I could feel this way. For goodness sakes, I'm saying to myself at the time, you're a 33 year old woman, with your feet planted firmly on the ground, this is crazy, how can you even feel anything for a bloody font?? In the end, I chose not to analyse my new 'weirdness', there seemed no normalness to it. In fact, England and I discussed it at length, once we realised we both felt the same. And oh my god, the euphoria I felt when he said he was feeling that way too. How could it possibly be wrong to feel so good?!

Now, my friends and family accept the fact that no amount of talking to me about this is going to change my mind. They finally accepted that England was a part of my life and that was all there was to it. Being a single mum with two boys, I'm not going to profess I know everything that goes on with the male physique or mind, and England has helped me with various strategies etc when it comes to dealing with the male offspring in my house. He's been there to support me through just about every facet of my life in the past 5 years (ok, some of late have been ordeals, but he's still there isn't he?), and I have given him the strength to deal with adversities to the same extent. That's what friends and lovers do, whether they be sitting on the sofa next to you, or whether you're sitting in a chat screen discussion. Makes no difference.

I'm a strong believer in the saying "our lives are influenced by the people we meet and the books we read". Well shit..look at me, I have that covered on both sides. I met him online, and I read him online. I bought a gold celtic ring, one I wear on my ring finger. It doesn't look like a wedding ring, but to me it acknowledges the fact that I have someone very special in my life, and considering how long he's been there, and the affinity I have with him, I sure as hell am going to acknowledge him, despite the frowns and confusion I see on other's faces.

Do you know....I never even saw a photo of England until the past month? It just wasn't important...I've sent him pics of me and the kids etc over the years, and for him, it just wasn't a priority. He didn't give a hoot what I looked like, and I trusted his description of himself to me. He doesn't have a digital camera nor a scanner, and it just wasn't important. The friends we have, the ones we hang around with most....we're there because of the way they make us feel. It's not about what they look like or what they do for us or us for them (if that makes sense)...we're there hanging with them, because they make us feel good.

People are always amazed when I say my partner, my boyfriend lives in England. That's how I tell them. The most common questions that come up, are about long distance relationships. I say, yes, it can be difficult and frustrating, but we talk every day, whether it be online or via text and we're happy. I know where my man is practically every minute of the day....every minute....whether he's on stage gigging, out in the car delivering something, or about to hop in the shower or many women can say that about their spouses?

I have been fortunate with Canada. He has been a wonderful strength in my life. We started talking about nothing and everything while we played online backgammon....tournament was fun and I was meeting some lovely people, who I've been lucky enough to meet in real life now. Under the circumstances, I feel like crap mentioning the two loves of my life in the same breath....but for Bella, Canada is probably the one she'd like to hear about more, seeing as I did meet him.

Let me just say Bella....I was always so very comfortable with Canada. We spoke for hours, just as you and Nick do now...on the phone or over voice chat on yahoo (which incidentally is a lot less costly). He had a rather sensitive mike, I could hear him crashing around in the kitchen, turning on taps etc. His mike was so sensitive that I could even hear him fart. He didn't know it at the time though, and I would say to him "wow, you microphone is very sensitive, I can hear everything that goes on, everything" He didn't seem to get what I was saying. and when I stayed with him, he would madly rush off to the washroom to pass wind, not knowing that I was sitting there amused thinking "honey, I've been hearing you do that for at least 6 months now, you don't need to run off elsewhere" Needless to say, after hearing all that, if I felt the need to cough or fart, I'd switch on the mute button on the my headset lol

Yes, there is an initial awkwardness to seeing each other. How can there not be? You look at the man standing in front of you in real life, and you think, "hm, he really doesn't have a screen for a face or any usb ports, this is great! HE'S A REAL LIVE MAN!" Just because you have them in front of you doesn't mean your feelings change and everything you had in the past has disappeared does it? This is what you think...."this is my Nick here....this is MY Nicholas, the one I love, the one that I've shared all those thoughts and feelings and dramas with over the time, he's still the same Nick he was through the PC" and he will be. And the beauty of it all will be, you'll both be able to show each other all that online love physically. Woooo hooooo!! That connection itself will be wonderful, trust me on this.
Friday, January 07, 2005


A friend sent me one of those emails that you have to answer questions and write peoples names to colours blah blah blah. There were only 4 questions, so I think, "ah what the heck, have a go, I aint got nothin' else to do right?"

I finished it off and read what the results are at the bottom of the email. Well, it seems that England is the person I truly love....and Canada is my twin soul.

Someone explain that to me please? How was I supposed to choose one of those over the other?

I wrote a HUGE post on here in relation to meeting online loves and how I explained it to my friends and family members (was largely for Bella that I wrote it)...the way I felt about online people etc...and for some reason it's disappeared into the ether. I understand about the systems of bugs and hiccups that can happen at times with websites, but may I just say "how bloody frustrating!"

15's gone

Well, 15 is gone. We took him to the airport last night, 13 and I and stood and waited until the last possible minute before he got on the plane. There was only us and one other die-hard parent left, the two of us struggling to let go. He was looking smiley and relaxed and that's how it should be. I know he's going to miss us. He continued to wander over to the glass where we were to wave and smile. I kissed my hand and placed it on the glass and he did the same on the other side.

Getting to the airport was an ordeal. Was plain sailing until we reached the Terrace Tunnel. Then nothing...sitting in traffic not moving at all. I was ready to get out of the car and yell "Hey! what the hell's going on here?". I was doing ok at that stage, had got used to the fact I was going to have to let him go.....but anymore of this waiting was going to undo me. There was an accident in the tunnel and the police had arrived and were starting to clear it.

And guess what? I didn't cry. Was close, but not "heinous" so I know he'll appreciate that. His father however was about to get a smack in the nose, because all he seem to do was continue encouraging me to cry. He didn't shake 15's hand and say have a good time, he didn't hug him goodbye, in fact he actually left without even saying "see ya" to me or 13. How bloody rude is that?? And me telling 13 "no, I'm sure Dad's still here somewhere, he wouldn't have gone without saying goodbye to us". Maybe he needed to rush off to the safety of his car, so he could fall to pieces?

15 was ready. He was calm and confident and I know he's ready for this. This is going to be an amazing experience for him, one he's worked towards for the past 18 months. He received an award of Academic Excellence in Japanese at prize giving last year, so I know he's got the nouse to cope with anything Japanesey wise.

One of my good friends was saying that when her son left for a week, she preserved his "bum dent" in the sofa the whole time he was gone. I thought about that good and long and now his pillow sleeps alongside mine....just for now, until he comes home and claims it back. It may have become my 'blanky' by then, so I figure he's in for a fight.

13 and I got home and had dinner, face to face at the table. We actually had a conversation about my dilemma of late. He was shocked that I had chosen Canada over England. And get this...he said that what I should've done is not mentioned the other to either of them and just slowly distanced myself from the one I'd decided against. I told him "I can't do that, I would have been lying to both of them. I can only have one, it's not fair on either of them". He replies "well yeah, but at least it wouldn't have caused all this anguish would it?" *sigh* when did he become so grown up and devious of thought?

Thursday, January 06, 2005

First comment!

Someone commented on my blog today, didn't realise how exciting that was til I saw the little "1 comment".

Thank you Bella. Your words are much appreciated. Please don't think badly of Canada, he's a wonderful, loving man....a proud man. And for the time being he's calmed down somewhat. I hated turning him into that 'other' person, even for 24 hours...that's my fault he became that way. A mutual friend of ours spoke to him the other day...she copy and pasted one of his messages to me.

"There have only been 3 women in my life that I've wanted to stay with. She was the only one I felt I was born to be with"
Well, you can just imagine....more tears from me.

I read some of your blog. The part where you are going to meet Nick is VERY exciting. I am filled with nervous apprehension and giddy excitement of it all on your behalf. I have no regrets about meeting Canada. I had an amazing wonderful time with him. After the initial awkwardness of actually seeing each other in person, we slipped into being a couple almost immediately. Best of luck to you and Nick, I look forward to reading your future blog posts.

Great Mental Preparation

My son is leaving the country tonight and winging his way to Japan. I have been out early today, buying up a few extra bits as pieces, like NZ souvenirs for his host families, camera film etc. I'm putting on a brave face....a positive smiley face for him....don't want him to know how I'm really feeling about it. It wasn't so bad when I left them behind ....I felt confident that I could handle any given situation should it arise...but my oldest baby? (15)....I'm not so sure. I won't be there to protect him. I'm finding this a bit tough to cope with.

Earlier I said to him "Do you know how to say 'Please help me! There's a man chasing me with a knife!' in Japanese?" He replies with a bored expresion "no mum". I fling myself at him and cry "Please learn now, just in case!" *sob* The worse part of this is he thinks I'm joking.

How do you we do this? How do you let go of your offspring and watch them stumble out into the world on their own...relying only on their own initiative and knowledge? We just have to. What choice do we have? It's not like it's going to stop just cos we're not ready is it?

All this growing up and letting go thing kinda sucks. I'm off to search google for some sort of potion recipe that will stop it from happening to my 13 year old.
Wednesday, January 05, 2005

5 January 2005

I've been going into the room lately, in a different nic..hiding...just so I can see Canada's nic in the pathetic is THAT? I daren't go in under my usual nic...I can just imagine the IMs and MSN messages ringing out with great speed and gossipy enthusiasm. For someone who has always said she doesn't give a toss about what others think or say, this is new ground for me. I do care....I care alot. Yet, I feel the need to see some sign of him. See that things can be normal...all I guess it proves is that life goes on regardless of all the upsets we go through. It's a nice safe feeling seeing him there....can't let him see me...would hurt him more...still, a nice warm feeling ensues when I see him anyway.

Oh well, we all have to live with choices we don't like at some time or other.

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

No More Whinging

This morning when I woke up, I decided to try to shut out the past difficulties and get on with life! I would say I bounced out of bed with refreshed energy and the excitement of a new day but that would be lying. I kinda turned the covers back, rolled out, dreamily wiped the sleep from my eyes, yawned, farted and stumbled to the loo.

My oldest (15) is going to Japan on Thursday for 4 weeks. As fed up as I get with his know-everything attitude and the look of disdain on his face when I do or say things he doesn't approve of (kinda like having my Dad living with me sometimes)...I'm going to miss him like hell. He's my rock, my sounding board, my buddy.

I've been given strict instructions I'm not allowed to cry at the airport. Last time we said goodbye at the airport, I was "heinous" apparently. Ok, yes, I must agree, I did fall to pieces saying goodbye to my kids when I left the country, but heinous? I looked that up in the dictionary..."heinous - utterly odious or wicked"....then I had to look up "odious - hateful, repulsive". Was I really THAT bad?? New motto for not to look words up in the dictionary.

My youngest son (13) and have a completely different relationship. He pretty much sees me and runs...what's with that? I hardly ever know what's going on in his life...he keeps it all closed up tight. He's been known to say (after a fairly innocent "how was your day hun?" from me)..."Mum, would you please not get involved in my life" Should I be worried?

How are 13 and I going to cope while 15's gone? He becomes the link between us...passing information to and fro...the informant of all matters that are important, and not so important. I'm hoping that this will be a good time for me and 13. He's going to HAVE to talk to me isn't he? There'll be noone else in the house to converse with. I will make the effort to drag him out of his room, so we can sit at the dinner table in utter silence and look bored at each other probably.

Once we begin the journey of parenthood, we are never the same again. And some days, I feel that the fact my two boys are still alive is all credit to my tolerance level. Afterall, I haven't killed them yet. Parents of other teenagers, I'm sure, know where I'm coming from. When did they suddenly turn into gremlins with huge attitudes? Where was I when that was happening?? Did I have my eyes closed? In some cases, it felt like they'd changed markedly overnight....other cases have been a long windy road to discovery.
Monday, January 03, 2005

Random Thoughts

I miss Canada more than he's ever going to believe. Crazy huh? After everything I've been through with him in the past few days. But that's only a reaction to what's happened. If I had decided that I wanted to change my mind, and tried grovelling back with words of love and promises of the could he ever believe anything I said to him anymore?

I can't do that...I have to be strong and follow this through. It certainly is difficult at the moment though. A real rollercoaste of emotions. I'm sure I've done the right thing. It was best for both of them. Unfortunately Canada is a completely innocent party...he did no wrong...never hurt me in any shape or form.

England and I are working through this...he's been incredibly supportive about the Canada thing. Didn't expect him to be that way. Both of them would like to rip each other apart. Stands to reason I guess. And me...what about me? I'm sitting in the middle, looking like the innocent one when I've brought this on both of them.

Don't you find it strange that when one partner cheats on the other....the other partner actually wants to have a go at the other party? shouldn't they immediately want to do something to hurt the cheater? Afterall, they're the one that is supposed to love them. A good friend of mine read somewhere, that the male ego and the competitive fighting spirit of the male is so strong, that should a female actually sleep with two men on the same day (different times), that the sperm from the first man will fight and kill the sperm of the second. Thought that was bizarre and taking the territorial thing a tad far, but hey, apparently it's fact.

My sex drive is gone. Whenever I feel the urge, I lay there, thinking of England (ha ha, ok, not funny)...then start having visions of Canada...well, he's the last person to touch me in such a way. So I end up trying to muster up the sexual feelings I have for England, find I'm continually having flashbacks of Canada...end up feeling like shit and tearful....and give up...the mood's gone.

I need to start setting some goals...things like, losing weight, doing more gardening, getting away from the PC more, spring cleaning, giving up smoking. Feels like a lot really, perhaps I should just chill out here for a bit. I'm in the net revolving DO we make this thing stop??

Sunday, January 02, 2005


Been one hell of a night. Canada went on a rampage last nght. He went into a mutual room that we've frequented over the past 18 months (on a daily basis) and threw our dirty laundry all through the lobby. He posted intimate pictures of me that I had given him in confidence (as lovers do at times) on his msn, and people were logging in deliberately to take part of my humiliation.

My phone rang several times, starting at 4am this morning and each time I answered it was hung up in my ear. He's pissed...big time. He eventually spoke to me on the last call...forced me into a corner and refused to stop harrassing me unless I told him I didn't love him, that I'd never loved him and that I loved England more. I couldn't say it. After much tooing and froing and a lot of him yelling questions but not allowing me to answer....I said "I do love you, but I love him more"...that's apparently not what he wanted to hear, but he said goodbye and hung up.

The turmoil about choice and what to do about this whole situation has haunted me for several weeks now. It had to be done and I have to be strong about it. If I had any doubt that I'd made the wrong decision, this has only confirmed that I made the right one. I realise he's angry, and fair enough....he has a right to be.

It's a shame that things get to the stage where people become bitter and twisted about life and love in general. There is always fall out caused by such episodes. But as unhappy as I am about hurting him so badly, and as uncertain as I am about my future with England, I have to be true to myself first and foremost...and if I lose England due to any of this, so be it...I have noone to blame but myself. But I have to give it my all to see where it goes. I owe that much to him.

Here's to fresh starts and strength of character...I need both to get through this. 2005 has got to be the year for me, I want to stop deliberating over every last detail of every damn thing that goes on. I need my life back.
Saturday, January 01, 2005

It's done

Well, I said goodbye to Canada yesterday. I cried all day. I was a coward and wrote an email saying goodbye. We had talked on a daily basis on mics using yahoo voice chat and I had planned to talk to him about it via that avenue, but I knew once I heard his voice I would've broken down and cried and he wouldn't be able to make sense of my words.

He's angry. Very angry. And who can blame him? He doesn't believe anything I said to him in the past, thinks I lied to him about how I felt. But I did love him, and I still do. In all fairness I can't love two men at the same time. It's not fair on either of them.

Now I hear he's going to post on a mutual website. He's going to air our dirty laundry to people we know mutually online...people we've been friends with for a long time, and from what I've heard, none of it's going to be pretty. He says this is war. He's going to do what he can to ruin what little dignity I have left. I'm hoping he may calm down some and be rational about this. Under the circumstances that may be a bit much to expect.

To be quite honest, I thought he was above doing that. But anger and love do crazy things to us and we lash out wherever we can, despite the fact that it really doesn't do us any good. Only exacerbates the situation.

100 Things About Me

1. I come from a family of 6. Four children, two parents. I come in second. Two sisters, and my brother is the baby of the family.

2. I'm the only child that was planned. Which could have me thinking I'm "the Chosen One". When I went through my teens, my father continued to called me "the good one"

3. I used to do a lot of singing on stage up to the age of 16. Came first in many talent quests and competitions and have sung on tv once.

4. I started smoking at the age of 18 and ruined my singing career (haha), so now I only sing in the shower.

5. I'm made up of all the colours of the rainbow. Nah...I'm half polynesian islander, my father is a full blooded Niue island mother is part German, English and Welsh. (I always wondered how my grandparents got together during those years.)

6. I have two godsons. One is 17 and now lives up north...the other recently turned 5..started school...and in his first week was scolded twice for swearing and once for spitting in the library *sigh*

7. My mother was an animal junkie, so I grew up with lots of pets...cats, dogs, a horse, an aviary each of cockatiels and budgerigars...a hen house of bantam, little egg laying chickens...mohair guinea pigs (which my mother decided to breed, briefly, and the whole of the neighbourhood kids watched the birth of tiny ratlike looking beings).

8. My older sister ran away from home...and I helped her by packing some clothes for her.

9. My brother is a police officer, now working for the Sydney Police Force.

10. I have two teenage that looks like that looks like his Dad...seems fair.

11. I've been pregnant four times. (One day when I have the strength to elaborate about this without any anger and tears, I may even blog about it....I won't hold my breath on that)

12. I had 22 driving lessons before I finally past my test and acquired my license. (Yep, it's not a typo, I really said 22)

13. I own a house that has a two bedroom self-contained flat/apartment below it. My house is starting to fall down around me...I don't have the funds to fix it up. I want to sell but I rely on the income from my tenants.

14. I've been out of the country only once so far...Vegas, Vancouver, Power River, Ottawa.

15. I've now been bitten by the travel bug and intend to do a lot more of it in years to come.

16. My birthday is 22 June, and I'll be turning 40 this year.

17. I have a scar on my inside right thigh, when a bike I was sitting on the back of collided with a hedge and a screw went through my thigh.

18. I have a scar on my left thigh from running away from a boy when I was 8...jumping over a fence...and a stray piece of fence wire went through my thigh.

19. My first godson was born on 6th August...I met my husband-to-be on the 6th of August, and our divorce was official exactly 21 years later...on the 6th of August. We went out for lunch that day.

20. My second godson was born on the 29th of March, and is an independent stick of dynamite.

21. I have a bum left knee...injured in a game of softball by having a whole lotta woman throw herself at me to avoid getting out on 3rd base. I hit the ground...swore very carried off the field, so they could continue the game....and ended up in hospital for 5 hours waiting for someone to see me (translates to; perving at doctors and orderlies for 5 hours).

22. The bone in my right thumb appears to be permanently bruised from when I was team catcher and kept catching the pitches in the palm of my mitt as opposed to the 'pocket'.

23. I've never hit a home run.

24. My bra size is 40DD (scraping the bottom of the 100 things barrel here).

25. We have a cat who is going to be 11 this year and if she's locked in the house for too long, she will crap in the bath or behind the laundry door (scraping around further inthe bottom of the 100 things barrel.)

26. My father's hair is completely white now. He's 71 years old.

27. I have been going prematurely grey/white for the past 10 years, and have to dye my roots at least every six weeks. This sucks on a financial basis. But sucks more for me, cos I feel like shit if everyone can see obvious root growth lol.

28. I drive a 1999 Ford Laser XLR automatic hatchback.

29. My very first car was a dirty white Honda Accord.

30. My best subject at school was Shorthand Typing.

31. I was 'let go' (aka fired) from my first job as Engineering Secretary after 2 years...they felt I wasn't coping with the work load very well....three people were employed to replace me. Bastards!

32. My favourite colours are yellow (because it's bright and sunny), black (because I like the slimming effect it gives me) and white (because I look so good in it lol)

33. I'm a push-over as a landlady. My tenant's are terrible at taking advantage of me because I let them.

34. I hate doing I have a dishwasher. Now I hate having to rinse dishes and stack the dishwasher.

35. Ryan has two jobs: to empty the dishwasher and feed the cat.

36. Cameron does anything else his mother asks of him (including bregrudgingly dying her roots and painting her toenails on occasion). He's become the 'man' about the house.

37. My children's eyes glaze over as I lecture them on the values of life.

38. I'm a shocking procrastinator.

39. I tend to repeat myself a lot.

39. I tend to repeat myself a lot.

40. When I'm faced with adversity, I need time to block it out for a few hours, before I go back to it and rethink the situation...then I feel ready to do what needs to be done.

41. I'm great in times when other people are having a crisis. I do what's needed...then I fall to pieces after all's been sorted.

42. As much as I'm good at hiding how I feel...and making my facial expressions stay neutral...those that know me well can read my face like a book.

43. I hate feeling out of control.

44. I'm extremely organised in every aspect of life except my housework. I loathe housework with a passion.

45. I like to think I'm a passionate woman who speaks her mind.

46. I often hear my mother or father's voice coming out of my mouth, directed at my sons.

47. I was secretary of the local softball club for 6 years. I stood down this past season.

48. I don't like earthquakes.

49. Any time I hear sirens, I immediately take stock of where my children are.

50. I love feeling green grass against my bare feet. It helps me relax.

51. My favourite alcoholic drink is Jim Beam bourbon and diet coke (although I'm also partial to butterscotch ripple, chocolate martinis and strawberry dacquaeries).

52. Favourite pizza topping is chicken, camenbert cheese and cranberry sauce. My second favourite is seafood; mussels, crabmeat, shrimps etc.

53. I've never been arrested.

54. I worked selling hot dogs at the circus when I was 13.

55. I've been to only 3 open-air concerts in my life; two were Dire Straits, the other one was Eurythmics.

56. My wedding dress went into a goodwill bin a couple of years after my husband and I separated.

57. I used to have a bumblebees nest in the wall of the flat downstairs. When the boys were little, we used to sit on the steps and watch the bees go about their work. It was fascinating to watch them fly out at a great speed, to come back a little later, laiden down with pollen, flying slower and wobbling around in the air under their burdens. I eventually had to lay down poison...the tenant at the time was starting to freak out at finding them floating in the bath she'd run at night....or open the back door and feel they were flying straight at her.

58. I hate seeing people chewing gum with their mouths open.

59. I can't stand noisy eaters and/or those that eat with their mouths open.

60. I've never been tied up.

61. Although I used to be scared of spiders, it appears I'm now the Bug Sheriff in this house. Neither of my boys are happy about creepy crawlies at all, so it's always left up to me to 'remove' such beasties from their rooms.

62. I started my very first patchwork quilt project over 3 years ago. It's a queen sized quilt and it's still unfinished. In fact I've often slept with it on my bed... and it still has over 200 safety pins holding it's 3 layers together. (I really must do something about that!)

63. I took a Gondola ride up Grouse Mountain and had dinner at the restaurant at the top. It was a beautiful sight looking out over the lights of Vancouver City.

64. I don't have any tattoos. I have toyed with the idea of getting a VERY small one on the inside of my left bicep. Too small for anyone else to see easily, but something I can see whenever I wanted. It would have to be something that had some meaning for me to do it.

65. The only piercings I have are one in each earlobe.

66. My favourite TV programmes are ER, Third Watch and Desperate Housewives.

67. I get seasick, air-sick and used to get terribly car-sick as a child. (Although thinking back about the car-sick thing now, I wonder if it was my father's driving).

68. I threw up on my 4 year old brother in the car, during a family outting to go strawberry picking one weekend. He never came near me the rest of that day.

69. My favourite movie is "Field of Dreams". There are some beautiful, poetic one-liners in this movie, and it always gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling of hope after I've finished watching it. Such a feel good movie.

70. I hate brussell sprouts, but I've never tasted one. They look like tiny condensed cabbages...cabbage not being one of my most favourite veges either.

71. I make the best kick ass vegetarian lasagne on the face of the earth. Well, ok, that's an exaggeration, but people always love it and ask for the recipe. It's excellent.

72. I kept a prisoner 'company' for 9 months by writing to him in jail. I kinda ended up becoming his surrogate mother until I told him 'enough is enough'.

73. My mother and father worry constantly about me because they seem to feel I can't cope being a single mother with two teenagers. Both my parents loved my ex-husband, but after we split up and the boys and I had taken a trip down south to visit them, I asked if I could take back a jar of homemade relish that my ex adored and my mother responded with "No! I'm not giving any to HIM" *sigh*

74. Before the wedding, we had a constant headache with the seating plan due to my ex's family, mainly because there's so many of them, and the weekend prior to our wedding day, one of the sisters had been pounding her older sister's head against the sidewalk. It was a nightmare trying to find the right seating arrangements alongside those that were still talking to each other etc.

75. I walked down the aisle to the "Trumpet Voluntary".

And now for some juicy personal bits about me;

76. I've shaved my pubic region once, and due to the itching it caused afterwards, I shall never do it again. I don't want to be hearing about all the creams or potions I could use to stop the itching...I'm just never going to do it again. It was an itchy nuisance.

77. I love to talk dirty during sex. It turns me on more.

78. Hearing the f and c words during sex talk makes me hornier. (Geesh, get me, I can't even type them out in full here, hence the "blah blah blah" in previous posts lol)

79. I've always been self-conscious of my body, especially when getting naked. Yet, once the first kiss happens, I completely forget about the scary naked bit and am totally involved with what I'm feeling and what I'm doing to make my partner feel good.

80. I'm a noisy kinda girl in the sack. Even biting the pillow doesn't tend to muffle me enough. (eg Ryan coming knocking on my bedroom door a few years ago..entering and saying in an exasperated tone "Do you mind Mum? I'm trying to get some sleep!". This is about the time I realised my kids were getting older and not sleeping like the rocks they used to.)

81. I love the feel of fresh sheets against my newly shaved legs.

82. Somehow I've managed to break 3 vibrators. Don't ask me how, it's not like I'm throwing them around the room or anything, is it?

83. An ex-boyfriend mailed me a 'rabbit' vibrator and it's tucked away in the closet at the's never been used yet.

84. I have some 'WomanZone' cream in the bedside drawer that's supposed to enhance orgasm. It's herbal. Never worked for me...I never noticed any difference. Fine print says "for best results, keep rubbing" duh!

85. I've never used chocolate body paint as part of sex play...although I do like the thought of licking strawberry yoghurt off my man's 'bits'. Never being a huge chocoholic, I reckon it would be too sweet and I'd feel ill part way through. Not a good look.

86. I'm a firm believer in phone sex.

87. I have never needed the use of lubricant (yet). "You're actually dripping down my arm" unquote.

88. The oddest place I've had sex is in the last carriage of a train. Straddling his lap, facing him.

89. I seem to be obssessed with my own breasts at they feel, how they respond etc. (Sad, sad, SAD!)

90. I used to play backgammon against my husband in bed. If he won, we had sex...if I won, I got to go to sleep. I became an accomplished backgammon player.

91. I've ended up on the floor at the foot of my PC during a particularly steamy cyber-sex chat with my ex-boyfriend a couple of times. (No time to move to the laptop and bedroom, no kids at home, so why bother cutting the mood to move...easier to slip off my chair onto the floor if I want to lol)

92. All my nightwear is satin. Oh, except one...I have a two piece cotton pants thingy.

93. I love digging my fingernails in a man's back or biting his nipples.

94. I love giving head.

95. I can't always stay 'on top' for too long because my gammy knee starts to ache and cramp (damn damn DAMN!) I eventually figured this out by straightening that I'd end up with one foot pointing to his head, the other pointing to his feet.

96. I love the smell of a bedroom after a good romping sex session.

Now, back to my regular programme, so you don't think I'm completely obssessed with sex;

97. I have a non-convulsing type of epilepsy and take 800 mg of Tegretol every day to control seizures.

98. I have to take medication each day to keep my blood pressure in the normal range.

99. My real name is interpreted in the 'Baby Name' book as "honey bee".

100. I love my children, my family and my life.