Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Drill Me Baby!

I had to make a trip to the dentist this morning. Eeeeekk! Ok, I wasn't that concerned or I wouldn't have made the trip so easily...they would've had to drag me kicking and screaming in there, jaw clamped shut.

Yesterday, during my morning tea break (such as it is at the moment), I dashed around the corner to the cafe and got my ever present hot frothy coffee. Being as it was a few hours since I'd eaten breakfast and we all know that I can't go 1 hour without food, let alone 3...I grabbed a breadstick to munch on...something to fill that hole until I had the opportunity to get something more substantial in me. While I'm chewing away on this bread I noticed a distinct crunchiness that's not usually expected with breadsticks.

Whizz back 15 years.....I'm pregnant with, you guessed it, 15....one of my back molars starts to disintergrate....losing a quarter of itself. That's ok, no big deal...no hurty stuff was happening. A year later I'm pregnant again...you guessed it, with 14 this time...(man, you guys are so good at this guessing game!)....my molar going out in sympathy for my uterus, loses another quarter of itself. Thus I had half a molar left. Having half a tooth not being the ideal, I finally truck along to the dentist, who charges me over $500 to get a root canal. Oh yay. Anyway, that's the last time I went to the dentist. Over 14 years ago. Yes, yes I can hear you.

Now we have to go further back in my life.

Whizz back 30 years (holy shit, that's a lotta years!)....I grew up alongside a river bank as a kid and this temptation being so close to home, my siblings and I were often over the bank and in the river itself...wooo hooo! those were good days (besides almost drowning that one time, but hey, I'm still alive, so we can celebrate.) One day I'm in the river, doing a fish impression by slipping under the water and *crack*....I come up doing a sissy impression...I'd just bashed my mouth on an invisible rock, leaving half of one of my front teeth below. My mother freaked out...dragged me immediately to the local dentist and I was given a white filling to build my broken smile back together.

30 years later that filling finally dropped off while I was chewing on a soft breadstick, got crunched up by my molars and disappeared down my throat...to one day soon be exiting my butt.

And THAT is why I went to the dentist this morning. You can't have a receptionist smiling at you when she only has half a front tooth showing. That's just downright fugly right?? Right.

So I lay back in the chair before all the fun begins and try explaining myself away...why I hadn't been to the dentist in 14 years (how I thought that was possible is beyond me)....and what's been happening to them during this inordinate absence...what I've been doing to abuse them etc. Considering I'd finally managed to drag myself there I felt I should have a complete overhaul toothy-wise and allowed her to take xrays to find the extent of the damage.

She numbed my gum with solution....stuck a needle in it to 'deaden' the remainder of the tooth (this resulted in a bulge above my top lip, and the numbing of my left nostril, which is making me continually sniff now, I feel like stuff is exiting that orifice, eeww). I had tubes stuffed in my mouth...one that blew cold air...another that sprayed water, and yet another to vacuum out the saliva so I wouldn't continue to drool over the dentist (well, she was a very attractive woman, I am nothing if not human). All the while tubes were spraying and sucking and blowing, there was a drill buzzing and grinding and a mirror tool thingy turning this way and that. How the fuck all these things managed to fit inside my mouth at one time was nothing short of amazing to me (you can all shut up, I already know I have a big mouth thankyouverymuch).

While I lay there staring at her and wondering how long her beautiful eyelashes were, she filed down that dirty great molar...the root canal fell out almost 2 years ago and left a rather sharp piece jutting out (yes yes I KNOW!). (Yay Honey!, now I don't have to worry about that ripping you to pieces next time I...oh never mind.)

She studied the xrays before I left and I heard the most exciting news of the visit. After all these years, I have no cavities whatsoever! I have been blessed with beautifully strong resilient toothy pegs...yes I have....I reckon I could chuck a grenade in there, close my mouth and blow my eyeballs out...BUT, my teeth would still be intact. I can see them all now, lined up side by side, swaying to the music of "Smile, And The Whole World Smiles With You", singing along in celebration at surviving the impact. Thank you lovely dentist lady....my smile is now back to how it should be.

Besides those two rebellious teeth in my mouth, the rest of them ROCK!!
See? Come closer, I want you to get a better look. *Big cheesy grin* See? Told ya.
Monday, May 30, 2005

My Sunday

I've had a pretty cruisy weekend. I'm fairly sure I didn't put my foot outside the door all of Saturday. Yesterday (Sunday), I drove 15 to work at 5.50am, dropped into visit my friend at the cafe, who whizzed me up a large moccacino and came home to write and post my daily offering to you all, then ran around everyone on my list and read what you'd all been up to.

By 8am it seemed I had no energy left, I needed my bed again...so I crawled back into bed and rang Walker (I couldn't bear being upright in front of the PC, and I couldn't be stuffed getting the laptop booted up for a headset talk...so I just rang, it was the fastest and easiest option right then).

He was surprised to hear from me via that avenue. Once we started talking daily over the headsets, using the phone was obviously the more expensive option but I couldn't have given a toss yesterday....I was tired, I wanted my bed, and I wanted to hear his voice...so it all worked for me. We chatted for an hour or so and then he mentioned something about somebody's tits and that stuck in my head for a while. In fact, for some unknown reason, I appear to be obssessed with my own these days, so talking about boobs in any shape or form had me thinking of my own and blah blah blah...Boo-Yah territory was imminent.

How does this happen? One minute we can be talking about something completely unrelated to the subject and the next we're fully in the throes of it all. I was knackered...how is it possible I still had the energy?? Last week, in between shifts, I came home and had a chat with him over the headset...next thing ya know, I'm on the floor in front of the PC. And you all know how tired and whingey I was last week, right?

I guess this is what happens when you don't have each other in real time. Chances are if we were living together, I'd have constructed my own "Wall of No", (hope you don't mind Lisa and DataMonkey), down the centre of the bed and he'd be strapping on climbing gear to scale it's heights. OR...better yet...he might clip on a builder's utility belt and hardhat and tear it down altogether. Phew, that get-up's a fantasy all in itself.
Sunday, May 29, 2005

I Never Have...(Yet)

Last week sometime I was tagged by the very loveable DB (well he was very loveable until he tagged me for this, j/k dear ).

This meme is all about 10 things I haven't done (yet) and from what I've read on other people's blogs, this can be as bizarre or as down to earth as you like.

Right, here's my offering to the masses:

1. I have never sky dived (and why would I? I have no desire at all to jump out of a perfectly good airplane - unless the engines all cut out and I had no other choice.)

2. I have never been naked and harnessed to the ceiling for a night of sex and debauchery (and I shall never be, unless Walker is happy to have me and the entire ceiling come crashing down on him.)

3. I have never danced whilst drunk on a table or a bar in a public place (although after watching Coyote Ugly, I have thought about it...I stopped myself from this display..I would hate to have fallen and broken a bone, or worse yet, a fingernail.)

4. I have never taken longer than 4 hours to give birth (yes, I'm a lucky bitch, thank you, thank you *takes a bow*.)

5. I have never been tied up during sex (I will be at some stage...but only if the ties are fairly loose and I can get out of my restraints easily...I'm not good at being held down, it's a control freak kinda thing..which I guess defeats the whole purpose.)

6. I have never been tolerant of small minded or judgemental people that gossip or mock others. (Although I have at times been one myself...this is commonly known as double standards.)

7. I have never been able to understand the intricacies of HTML (and most likely never will...after messing around with my template and screwing it up...it's easier to throw 15 at the computer and yell "JUST FIX IT!!".)

8. I have never had a 'blackout' while drinking alcohol (it was bad enough spewing my guts out all over the toilet floor when I missed the bowl...I had an amazing recovery that particular night...I know the precise moment it happened - everything I'd just barfed out came into crystal-clear focus.)

9. I have never eaten brussel sprouts, olives or haggis (just the thought of them makes me turn green *shudder*)

10. I have never slapped a man for getting 'fresh' with me (I usually just fall to the ground, hike up my skirt and wait in anticipation for the lovin' to start...JUST KIDDING! sheesh, you all believed that didn't you??)

I shan't be tagging anyone (for fear of having a hit taken out on me), but if you feel a screaming need to join in, feel free to participate, the more the merrier.

Yay, I did it! My work here is done...now I'm off to find out what the rest of you have been up to.
Saturday, May 28, 2005

Be Careful Who You Talk To

I've been following back some of the 'referring' websites that come into my blog lately and I've found some quite interesting stuff in the process of doing this.

Anyway, here are some of the words that have been typed in the google search box that has brought me up on their screens:

- Itchy fanny
- meeting lover each other
- reading ex girlfriends blog
- my husband my bra in bed
- his girlfriend died in a car accident 4 years ago
- 100 things (way hey, I saw some of my blog friends on there, go figure)
- Ive had the time of my life wav file
- hubby lover

Pretty tame, but still, it's always cool to be googled in any shape or form, right?

Anyways, I googled the name of my blog (holy shit, do you know how many zillions of things out there have got the words 'internet lovers' in them?? I always knew it was a stupid name for my website.) Whilst running my eyes down this list, I saw a link that caught my eye that I just HAD to go and look at. If I was quick thinking enough at time I would've kept the link and let you read it yourselves...but seeing as I was in dimwit mode, I'll have to tell you myself.

Headline: Lesbian Online Relationship Ends Terribly When Both Men Meet. (See? now you know why I had to go have a look)
It seems that several years ago a couple of men went into a lesbian chat room to amuse themselves with some hot girl on girl talk. Both impersonated lesbians (which we all know is possible from behind these screens of ours), and joined in the conversations...eventually the two of them hooked up on IM and had a ripe old time with dirty talk, turning each other on like crazy. (I'm doing a bad job of this, fuck, I wish I could find that link again lol). This went on for 5 years....yep, you heard it right...for FIVE YEARS! For 5 years, these two were thinking they had a hot sexy lesbian on the other side of the screen getting them off. I guess they had exchanged pics....obviously not real ones...and both had been reluctant to meet in person (ya think??). Eventually the time came when they decided they should meet....thinking that once 'she' met him, and realised 'she' had been talking to a male, 'she' would still love him for who he was (which is what exactly?? a lying scum sucking slimy bum lick??) and would forgive him the presentation of unexpected genitalia and they'd make passionate animal sex (and if he was lucky 'she'd' bring a friend along?).

So, the big day arrives, the two of them meet in a public place...both waiting around, looking for their 'girlfriend'...until the place becomes almost deserted and there's no options left but men. One approaches the other (who apparently was carrying a bunch of flowers for 'her')...reality of the situation dawns...things get a bit sketchy here, but a few comments were exchanged and the meeting ended abruptly when one of them vomitted on the other.

'She' really showed 'her' didn't 'she'?... Now let that be a lesson to ya!
Friday, May 27, 2005

As It Should Be

Yesterday was my last day of double shifts for a while, and just as well too. Over my lunch break yesterday, it became obvious to me that I'd had enough. I found myself sitting here, shoulders hunched and staring at the floor. I closed my eyes and felt so tired, I just wanted to slip to the floor and go to sleep. The thought of going back to work made me feel like weeping. That afternoon, all I wanted to do was sit...not talk to anyone, not answer any phones...not smile if I didn't want to....but just SIT. Ah, how good it would feel just to sit still and ignore everyone and everything. But no...unfortunately that isn't what I get paid for. People kept coming in to be greeted...too many questions being asked that I couldn't advise upon....nurses being unavailable to consult with and phone calls to be answered...lots and lots of phone calls *sigh*.

Ya know? It really hasn't been that difficult to deal with....I've pumped myself full of vitamins and my kids have been trojans at organising themselves, getting their own dinners etc. It's comforting that they're capable of coping without their mother, although I could do without the occasional looks of pity I've had from them.

There's a gastric virus sweeping New Zealand at the moment....it's a nasty vomitting/pooping thing that has the punters coming into work in droves. This virus has got so bad in a couple of schools that they've closed their doors to try stopping it from spreading amongst their pupils and staff. My favourite 1 year old (Jaimee) has been subjected to this...continually power-chucking up anything her mum has attempted to put in her mouth. The wonderful Dr Richard has been fantastic at seeing her regardless of what his schedule is like. It could have something to do with the death stare I use on him while I'm asking, but I doubt it. Poor guy. He had to call in to ask us to shuffle his patients around that morning because his two year old had been doing the same thing. The moment he arrived at work, I was there, waiting to pounce as he came through the door...."Oh, how pleased I am to see you!"....I must try and change that strategy, he now sees right through me..."Oh dear...what's up with her this time?".

BUT...today is Friday...and that means the weekend is here for me now that I'm done with Allison's shifts. I've had a short burst of energy this morning. I went shopping and blew $200 I can't afford on baby stuff and then dropped in on Jaimee and her mum Anna, for coffee. The minute I walked through the door and saw that little munchkin sitting on the floor, with a string of fake beads around her neck, dark curls trailing down her face, her huge brown eyes fringed with long lashes, smiling up at me.... I knew it was worth every penny. That little girl melts my heart good and proper. I can't help myself, she turns me to mush.

For the next couple of hours I relaxed and spent time playing dress-ups with my wee human dolly and by the time I'd left, I knew that all was as it should be in my world.
Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Gramming Ya Mammies!

Next month when I turn 40, apart from sitting around waiting with joyous anticipation for my 'life to begin', I also have to face the fact that now would be a wise time to start getting my tits squashed (and not a man in sight!). Yep, I'm talking about the much dreaded mammogram [insert Jaws theme music here].

I've heard some nasty things about this procedure, so to be honest, I'm not keen to be starting off this part of my life...but considering it's such an important issue, it really needs to be done. I read somewhere that to prepare my upper body for this invasion, I should lay down on a cold concrete driveway, flop a boob out, and let someone back over it with their car. What the fuck??! This vision alone has my tits shrinking back up into my chest (ok, that's a big ask for a couple of DDs but you get the idea)...but more importantly it does not have me running toward the radiographer in celebration.

So in tribute to my breasts and the ordeal they're going to be subjected to in the next couple of months, I post this poem.

(DB, I shall get around to the list of "10 things I haven't done" very soon. Oh, and I expect you to be feeling all warm and fuzzy at the moment due to me mentioning your name and my breasts in the same post.)

***
For years and years they told me, be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them, and give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings, and protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully, And I always wore my bra.

After 30 years of astute care, my gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
Said I should get a mammogram "O.K," I said, "let's do it."
"Stand up here real close" she said, (She got my boob in line),
"And tell me when it hurts," she said, "Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."

She stepped upon a pedal, I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down, My hooter's in a vise!
My skin was stretched and mangled, from underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed, to Swedish Pancake thin.

Excruciating pain I felt, within it's vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing, my poor defenseless tit!
"Take a deep breath" she said to me...Who does she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine, and woozy I am getting.

"There, that's good," I heard her say, (The room was slowly swaying.)
"Now, let's have a go at the other one." Have mercy, I was praying.
It squeezed me from both up and down, it squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done, To HER tender little hide.

Next time that they make me do this, I will request a blindfold.
I have no wish to see again, my knockers getting steam rolled.
If I had no problem when I came in, I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there, It would have gone "ker-pow!"

This machine was created by a man, Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there, and see how THEY come out!
Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Questions

Sunday afternoon I met a good friend of mine for coffee in the mall. Another mutual friend of ours came along and joined us. It was good to catch up with both of them. Eventually something began to bother me...we had discussed what each of them were up to...and then I filled them in on what I'd been doing...mentioned blogging...talked about Walker's imminent trip to New Zealand etc...one asked me questions, genuinely interested...she's spoken to Walker online (and over the phone at one stage). The other, was completely uninterested about anything to do with online activity...she made it extremely obvious by deliberately looking away...staying out of the conversation completely...occasionally 'slapping' the table with her hand, with what I saw was utter boredom.

We didn't talk about online stuff for ages...must've been all of 5 minutes...I was extremely annoyed by her attitude but said nothing. I understand that those that don't get online as often as I do, don't understand the concept of what really goes on here, but to brush it aside with such distain?...that fucked me off. How rude of her. I sat there and listened to what she said, asking what I thought were good questions to show I was indeed listening and interested in what she was saying and what she'd been doing with her life recently. Yet she had totally disregarded what I was doing with mine. Perhaps I'm being too sensitive with this, but I would never disregard anyone in such a way. Does this ever happen to you?

Later my other friend and I went for a quick necessary trip through the supermarket, and we prattled on about bits and pieces...I asked her at one stage if she thought we were complicated women...she preferred to refer to us as 'interesting' with our fingers in lots of pies. Variety being the spice of life an' all that, this made me feel a little better about the complex character I appear to have become over the last couple of weeks in particular. "Why does it seem that so many divorced women are on their own for so long?" I ask her as we're sidling down the cereal aisle..."Do you think it's because as we get older we tend to become more aware of what we want and expect too much out of the opposite sex?".

We ran into a work colleague of my friend down the alcohol aisle, they say a quick hello and we continued on..."I hope she doesn't think you're my partner"...."And why's that? Are you ashamed to be seen in public with me?"..."No of course not, don't be silly"..."If you wanted me to get dressed up and wear make up for you, you only had to say so earlier...you know I strive to be perfect in your eyes" *snort*.

As I'm inspecting the cartons of eggs, checking to see if any are broken in one box, I continue asking questions..."Do you think it's because we've become more selective about who we spend our time with?"...."And do you think those that have either remarried or are in another long term relationship have just settled for what they have?"....."Or do you think that because they've had the past experience of one marriage, they can now go into the next with their eyes open and love and accept all the joys and pitfalls it can bring no longer wearing rose tinted glasses?"

As I'm discreetly removing my knickers from my arse crack where they've so diligently ridden to..."God, now I know why I stopped wearing this particular pair of panties. Don't you just hate it when that happens?"....I turn to my left waiting for an answer...and look straight into the eyes of a smiling bemused gentleman beside me. I look passed him to see the back of my friend at the other end of the aisle, deaf to my most recent question. *clears throat* "Well? Don't you?". "If you give me a quick look I might be able to offer judgement on the offending article of clothing"..."Um..pass...but thank you for your concern".

The result: One red faced female marching proudly away from the vicinity of the eggs....trying so hard to stop herself from laughing that snot almost flew out of her nostrils.

Note to self: Stop asking so many questions.
Sunday, May 22, 2005

Poo Poo Pee Do

Seeing as some of the bloggers I've been reading appear to have a fascination with body expulsion recently, I have chosen to post this list today in tribute of the everyday activity of our butts (and if it's not an every day occurrence, it's time you added more fibre to your diet). You may have already seen this, it's been around for years, but if not then I hope you have a good laugh. I'm sure you can relate to any or all of these at some stage in your lives. (The thought of that alone is making me feel a bit queasy actually.) May I suggest you don't read it whilst eating your brekky? Right, nuff said...on with the show!

THE POOPIE

Ghost Poopie: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie: The kind when you poopie it out, see it in the toilet but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie: The kind where you wipe your bottom 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you put some toilet paper between your bottom and your underpants so you don’t ruin them with a stain.

Second-Wave Poopie: This happens when you’re done poopie-ing and you’ve pulled up your pants to your knees and you realise that you have to poop some more.

Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Head Poopie: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

Lincoln Log Poopie: This kind of poopie is so huge, you are afraid to flush the toilet without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

Sassy Poopie: It’s so noisy that everyone within earshot is giggling.

Drinker Poopie: The kind of poopie you have in the morning after a good night of drinking. It’s most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.

Corn Poopie: Self explanatory.

Gee-I-Wish-I-Could Poopie: The kind where you want to poopie and all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.

Spinal Tap Poopie: That’s when it hurts so badly coming out that you’d swear it was leaving you sideways.

Wet Cheeks Poopie: (The Power Dump) The kind that comes out of your bottom so fast that your bottom gets splashed.

Liquid Poopie: The kind where yellow brown liquid shoots out of your bottom and splashes all over the toilet bowl.

Mexican Poopie: It smells so bad that your nose burns.

Surprise Poopie: You’re not even on the toilet because you think you are about to fart but oops... a poopie.

The Dangling Poopie: This poopie refuses to drop into the toilet although you have finished poopie-ing it out. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.
Saturday, May 21, 2005

Time to Lie Down

There doesn't appear to be much of me left when I get home from work these days. I have no sense of humour, my tolerance level is extremely small and any little thing that I can see in a negative sense is seen exactly that way. I say things I forget not long after and I pay for the consequences when pulled up on it by others later. Maybe I need to take more vitamins at the moment.

On Wednesday when I got home from work I was knackered. Of course I was...I'd stayed up too friggin' late the night before hadn't I? I ended up lying on the sofa with the headset on and listening to Walker read your blogs to me...this is otherwise known as 'cheating'. This also meant I didn't have to sit upright but I could still keep up with what was happening in your worlds. When I'm feeling tired and slow, the only thing I really want to do is climb into bed and have a cuddle with my favourite man...considering the distance involved right now...that's not possible...so this was the next best thing. It was great...I could lie down, with my eyes closed, listen to his voice and be kept up to date on you all. As time went on I could feel myself drifting to sleep...occasionally he would laugh at something funny and I'd have to shake myself and say "Oh, can you read that part again? I think I just missed something". He was very patient with me and would repeat it. Knowing my temperament at the time...if I'd been the one doing the reading...I just know I would've come back with something bitchy like "Oh for crying out loud..Am I wasting my breath here??...Why didn't you listen to me the first time when I said it??!" But no, he kept going and did a splendid job at putting up with me. Thank you Walker.

This morning, I'm still feeling slow....I've put some washing in the machine...emptied the dishwasher...made some porridge for breakfast...and sat down in front of the telly and watched some drivel of a movie, don't even know what it's name was, so I'd certainly not be labelled as being very observant these days.

I got a lovely compliment from one of the patients that rang in yesterday morning. When I answered the phone she said "My God, have you been there all night? you answered the phone when I rang last night". I told her that I had been doing extra hours...covering for Allison while she was away in Spain...she said "Well as far as I'm concerned she can stay there forever...she's rude as hell. You're the best one they've got there, and I've told the doctor that they should have you on the front desk all the time...I hate having to deal with anyone else". Besides the fact that she'd run down one of my co-workers, it was nice to hear that she appreciated my work.

Unfortunately a little later I received another call from a mother who tells me her son has had a nasty chest cold for the past week and could she get someone to see him today. She rang 2 hours before we closed, and already all the 'emergency' appointments had been taken...we had so many patients 'squashed' on top of other apointments...there really wasn't anywhere for me to put him. She got defensive.

Me: Do you feel it's urgent?
Her: No, but he's had this for over a week now and I want to have him seen before the weekend. Don't you have emergency appointments set aside each day?
Me: Yes, but I'm afraid they've all gone already. It's been an extremely busy day.
Her: I'm going to have to go to the After Hours Clinic then aren't I?
Me: Well with the way our afternoon is, it would certainly be quicker for you to take your son to the after hours surgery...he'll be seen a lot sooner there. I'm very sorry. I certainly don't like turning away patients, especially young children, but there honestly isn't any where I can fit him in this afternoon.
Her: I see. I think I'll just go to [insert surgery name here] instead. And tell me, what do I have to do to transfer my medical files? This happens too often, it's time I changed to a clinic that can go the extra mile for it's patients.
Me: Ok, well, when you go to [surgery name], ask at reception for a transfer form. You need to sign it for yourself and anyone in your family under the age of 16. The clinic will fax that form to us, and we will mail your records directly to your new doctor. Would you like me to start getting them ready for you now?
Her: *click*

What I wanted to say to her was:

"Listen up Lady, your son has had a nasty chest cold for over a week now and on a Friday afternoon, with 2 hours before closing, you've decided it's time to take him to the doctor? Not only have you waited too long to make an appointment, you've stated it's not urgent. Why the hell didn't you take him to get checked during the week? We have 4 late nights in this surgery, you could've picked any other day. Why the hell didn't you even try ringing earlier today?? I have three doctors working hard this afternoon...one of which is 8 and a half months pregnant, who has been doing a fantastic job at juggling patients of an urgent nature all fucking day long. Don' t you dare threaten me by saying you'll go to another surgery...that won't work with me...I won't bow down to pressure like that...I could care less about your business here...you are not the only patient we look after...I care even less about your ratshit attitude. Now fuck off wasting time with this crap and find somewhere else that might actually be able fit him in."

Right, I feel better now I've got that out of my system. I'm off now to read and comment on the rest of you.
Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Sleep, Blog, Sleep, Blog, hmm

Working extra hours will of course take it's toll on my body...and to be honest, things are going fairly well in that respect...that was...until last night. Cos ya see, last night, I didn't go to bed at the usual time of around 1030ish. I sat here and read my entire blog history...and although that's not HUGE because I've only been blogging since the beginning of the year....that's still a fair amount of reading to get through. That, coupled with catching up on some of your blogs (didn't always comment on them, forgive me)...I ended up crawling into bed at 1.35am.

1.35AM!! I haven't stayed up that late since I first started playing backgammon on the MSN Zone (and then we're talking about 3 and 4am, I must've been nuts!). Now I know that 1.30 isn't an unusually late night for some of you...but for me? it's big these days...real big. So this morning (some of the only free time I have this week, I...am...knackered. Why do we do this to ourselves?? Only a few years ago I could last until 5am if I was still moving...you know...when you're out dancing and drinking?...long as I'm still moving (because I do so love to dance)..I was fine and could outlast the distance...once I sat down and stopped for more than 5 minutes I was done..washed up...ready for bed...finito.

Dunno if youv'e noticed, but I put a digital clock on here under the analog one...now you'll be able to see if I'm in bed or not, depending on what time you come in here. Please note that New Zealand time is always ahead of the rest of the world..hahaha...we're usually a whole day ahead of the rest of you....I'm wondering if this means I'm aging faster than the rest of you...I won't dwell on that, it could upset me in my sleep-deprived fragile state this morning.

Anyway enough of that...while I was driving 15 to school earlier, there was a competition on the radio....the winners get to wrestle in KY jelly, and the winner of that gets $1,000. No, I wasn't planning on entering, I have more dignity than that (it's called being boring). How do people come up with these ideas??

My sweetheart and I are chatting on the headsets at the moment...he's wondering what to post about for the day....I could suggest that he do as I do...when I find I've run out of something to say, I resort to a sexual blogging of sorts, let's face it, sex sells lol and saying that, I'm doing my best not to be so sexual about such things, it can come across as me having a sad empty kinda life..nuff said lol. So, I suggested he write about his visit to the doctor today and the arse poking that ensued. Now let's all see if he goes ahead and posts about THAT! lol
Sunday, May 15, 2005

Hey! Guess What?!

Morning everyone...thanks to Walker and his determination....I've just had a play with a new audio programme, which I'm hoping you can see over there in my sidebar. Have a listen and see what you think.

Oh and I REALLY don't have a lisp in real life, I'm not sure if I had the mic too close to my head or whether it has something to do with the quality of the recording programme, but there's a lisp there all the same.

I didn't have my blog open while I was playing with the audio thing, so I'm afraid I couldn't remember who had commented (bit slack of me really, it's not like I had hundreds of you to remember)...Now that I've gone back in and had a look..oh dear....I'm very sorry Chaotic Serenity and MrHaney, but I forgot to mention you in it. Katya got a mention and she wasn't even on my comments! lol

It's kinda fun to play with in a 'lispy' sorta way.

Anyway, go have a listen and a play yourself and see if we can turn the blogging audio world on it's ear lol.
Saturday, May 14, 2005

And The Time Is...

*Turns left and right*

So? What do you think?

Can you tell I've been playing around with my template? Yep, I fiddled around with it last night. Changing px numbers etc, which has resulted in me having a long white line down the bottom sidebar under my hit counter. I haven't a clue how to get it back to it's original green-ness, so for the time being, the white will have to stay. (And no, I don't know what px means, I think it's pixels but what would I know?).

I did this because I was trying to 'broaden' my blog content. Make it spread more over the page so my posts wouldn't look so long and you lot wouldn't think "OMG, look how much she's written today, I couldn't possibly read all THAT!" or a similar exclamation.

And now I have a clock...cool huh? I like going into other bloggers' sites that have clocks...then I don't have to do any calculating as to what time it is in the US or the UK, or Canada (ok, that time I can automatically pop out with regardless, but you know what I mean) or wherever. I have a clock so you can all see what time it is where I am in New Zealand. I have a clock, so that when it says 3am here, you will all think of me tucked up in my bed sleeping peacefully and looking angelic, and that will give you all a warm fuzzy feeling about me. It's all about me ok?

I'm also thinking about this audio blogging thing. I'd really like to do some kind of audio thing on here...I desperately want you to hear my voice...so you can tell me it's extremely sexy and you just KNEW that I sounded like THAT...or that it grates on your nerves like fingernails down a chalkboard, or whatever. After reading about audio stuff in the help section, I don't think it's possible for me to do the telephone thingy, so I wondered if I could attach a wav file or something. Anyone else know what I'm going on about?

15 suggested that I make a wav file and put it somewhere online, and then put the link on my blog post...he suggested I make it a low quality file instead of high quality....apparently high quality will make the file about 40 megs and that would make you all hate me. Like you could all hate me! Pah, what would he know!?? Besides, I'd find it difficult giving you a low quality wav file of my voice, it being of such high quality in real life an' all.

Ok, I've spouted enough crap for the time being.
Friday, May 13, 2005

My Week

The menningicocal vaccine (MenzB) programme has begun full force this week. New Zealand has one of the nastiest menningicocal disease strains in the world, and as such, everybody under the age of 20 needs to be immunised. Anyone attending school will be done through the school system....the Ministry of Health are being very strict about this....noone between the ages of 5-17 are to get their injections at medical centres. There are 3 injections per person altogether, and each one will be spaced 6 weeks apart.

The programme started for our medical centre on Monday. Also, we have finally received the flu vaccine. We have extra nursing staff coming in each day to pick up the slack of patients that desperately need this injection and have waited too long for it's arrival. This delay has been stressful for everyone. I had an 85 year old man ring me the other day asking if it had arrived yet. He was terrified of getting the flu...with his age and the fact he had an acute illness...should he have contracted the flu, he'd be a goner. I was pleased to finally be able to tell people it was here now and book them in for an appointment.

Monday morning was diabolical! The phone goes crazy as soon as we turn it over to us (from the after hours clinic) on any Monday, let alone a Monday we were expecting extra nurses and extra patients (youngsters at that). Why do people decide that Monday mornings are a good time to ring and notify us they've just moved into the area and could they please register their family of 6 with us?? This is not a good time for me, but I try shutting out any background noise, bite my lip and register them anyway. The nurses are run off their feet with all this extra activity. The pre-schoolers are brought in to have their injections...understandably they cry when they have it...it's not an easy injection, it's like having a tetanus...then each youngster has to wait 20 minutes in the waiting room just in case they have a reaction. This is the same for ANY vaccination...anytime you have one, you need to wait the requried 20 minutes before you can leave. Of course this gives us more noise to deal with. I'm sounding selfish about this noise thing aren't I? I'm just griping because I'm doing double shifts at the moment and am coming home with the squeals and crying of toddlers echoing through my head. We now have a TV and video set up near the children's corner, with various videos playing...The Wiggles, Pooh Bear, Disney stuff etc....to give these youngsters a distraction of some sort, while they sit being cuddled on mum or dad's knee sucking lollipops or marshmallows or whatever else it is the nurse gives them in sympathy.

One of my patients yesterday, came in carrying her 3 month old son...beautiful little boy. Watching her with him pulled my heart strings. 18 months ago, this same woman had come in to see us with her 11 month old son. He was gorgeous too...huge blue eyes...smiley little baby. Two weeks later he was no longer with her...he'd died of Cot Death (SIDS). This was a horrible horrible case obviously. As expected, Mum blamed herself...she felt she shouldn't have covered him with that extra blanket...felt the food she'd given him that night for dinner had something to do with it...the doctor spent a long time trying to explain that she'd done nothing wrong. How could he explain the unexplainable? The following day I received a phone call from her mother...she'd flown in to be with her daughter...part of the support system. She rang to ask for sleeping tablets...said she was here trying to support her daughter but she was getting no sleep whatsoever and felt she was being a hopeless pillar of strength without it. I rang the doctor at home...he didn't start until the afternoon that day...and he came in early to see this lady who brought her oldest son along with her. When registering them both on the computer I realised the wee baby had been named after his Uncle....the grieving man that stood before me. I went in to see the doctor before he took in these two, basically to warn him about the name. He sighed, nodded and took a deep breath..."Send them in". If I'd had the opportunity to hide out the back that day, I'd have spent a good amount of time crying. When Mum came in with her new baby son yesterday, I congratulated her on the new addition to her family.

I've had children throwing major tantrums...high pitched screaming (how DO they manage to get their voices THAT high??)...the phone going nuts with parents booking their toddlers in for the MenzB injection....other patients ringing to book in for their flu vaccines. I've had one teenager bleeding profusely, after being struck on the back of the head with a rock (what the hell's wrong with these kids??)...another teenager gracefully 'crumple' in front of me (now you see her now you don't kinda thing), fainting right at the feet of a screeching 4 year old (stopped the child mid-screech, bonus!)...an elderly lady who choked so badly on her dinner that her grandson did the Heimlick(sp?) on her and promptly broke one of her ribs....and a mental health patient that decided a full waiting room was a great audience for abusing me because his prescription wasn't ready yet. (If I'd had those pills to hand, I would've liked to shove them right down his throat myself.) Yep, it's been a big week.

Happy Friday the 13th to everyone!

My venting is over...as you were.
Wednesday, May 11, 2005

MPEMG Plus

Years ago I used to have a reocurring dream that I had gone to the local store with the baby, and then walked home, leaving the stroller and baby behind...still waiting outside the shop. I would wake up in a sweat, get up and check the bedrooms to be sure both children were present and accounted for.

These days, there are often times when I wished I'd left a baby or two behind. Those are the days that I struggle to come to terms with motherhood, the days when I think how free I'd feel without the extra burden of two teenagers...and the days I find they're particularly difficult to deal with. On those days I wish I could gag them....stick a sock in their gobs, render them speechless...just see their mouths moving but no sound coming out to injure my ears and worse yet, make me have to think hard to answer their more difficult questions about life in general.

Late last year, my oldest son turned 15...."Wooo hooo" he's thinking..."time I learnt to drive". "Holy shit, I don't want my baby to dieeeeeeeeee!" is what I'm thinking. That's known in my household as MPEMG...'Mothers Paranoia Extreme Mode..GO!'. This happens when my mind works overtime. Leaping to horrible conclusions such as my innocent son stalking the streets in a motor vehicle.

I, in my wisdom of not wanting to argue or freak out or deafen my son with screams from the passenger seat, handed the job of 'Driving Instructor' over to my ex-husband. Afterall, I felt this was more of a male thing and Dad should step up to the plate and do said duty, especially if he wanted to keep the harmony (?) of my household continuing.

15 comes to me, the week prior to him taking the road.

15: "Mum, I'd like to go and sit the written exam for my driver's license, all my friends are going to do it"
I knew it would happen eventually, but my heart leaped anyway
Me: "When?"
15: "On Friday"
Me: "But it's Wednesday today!...do you even have a copy of the road code?"
15: "Yeah, Fred's given me his for the night"
Me: "For the night?? That only gives you two nights to study for it! I'm not underestimating your intelligence level here, but I'm not keen to pay $80 knowing there's a possibility you could fail and I'd have to pay again"
15: "But...but...but"
Me: "No 'buts' about it, two days is not enough to satisfy me, you'll have to wait until next week".

This started off a 'debate'.

15: "You don't trust my intelligence....You don't believe I can do it....That's so unfair, ALL my friends are sitting the exam on that day..."

Yaada yaada yaada...until....

Me: "I'm the authority in this household and if I say no, that means NO. The answer is not going to change, GOT IT??!

15: *stomp, stomp, stomp....SLAM!*

3 days later, I'm attempting a family 'warm fuzzy' and we attend "Carols by Candelight", which is a fabulous carol singing and rock concert thingy held at the stadium. Was a great night, I thoroughly enjoyed it. I allowed 14 to bring his girlfriend along...made my best not to freak out at the hand holding and cuddling that was going on...in fact I tried to avoid looking in their direction at all, I didn't want them thinking I was continually watching...15 met up with a few of his mates, and they sat about 20 feet away from me and my friends.

My girlfriend and I are looking at the various cameras and equipment etc that are being set up on stage (we were super early to get a spot right in front of the stage)...anyway, the next thing I know....my vision is being broadcast over the absolutely MASSIVE stadium screen! I see my facial expressions changing with the speed of light....laughing and smiling, then horrified, I see myself blush...then I'm waving out, trying to say "Nooooooooo" to the cameraman.....who had obviously decided I was his prey.....Then I did the famous "throat cut' hand movement....followed up with a 'talk to the hand' gesture....I could see the camerman laughing (bastard!)...eventually my image left the screen. My 15 seconds of fame were over. I looked towards where 15 was sitting and see him pointing and glaring at me...I wave at him half-heartedly "oh great, something else for him to hold against me at the moment". *sigh*

This is getting awfully long I know, but hang with me, I'm almost a quarter of the way through (hahaha, scared ya didn't I?). Nah, about half way through now.

The concert was fantastic...picnic dinner with friendly company, both my kids nearby...what's not to like?....the evening was a success. As people were leaving and I was busy clearing up rubbish and folding blankets etc, 15 comes over to me....his face like thunder. He's shitty as hell and refuses to answer my "What's happened?"....storms his way through people to get out of the stadium. "Oh for fucks sake, it was only 15 seconds!" I mutter to myself.

Back in the car, he spits it out. Let me just say that 15 is above average in height...not really tall, but about 6 feet...and some twit older than him kept shoving into him from behind...15 says he moved a few times to get out of this guy's way, but the idiot kept doing it....he turned around to glare at him, then turned back to watch the concert....next thing you know the guy is putting tomato sauce through 15s hair...15 turned around to face him....the guy shoves him....15 shoves him back....the guy shoves 15 again (*yawn*)....before you know it, 15 has curled his hand into a fist and smacked the guy in the face....guy hits the ground...15's friend turns around just in time to see this and exclaims "Yeah!"....guy stays on the ground unmoving...friend utters "oh".....guy then springs up and runs off into the crowd.

(I don't encourage violence at all...in fact I shrink from it big time...but under these circumstances I was not only surprised at his reaction but also proud of my son for not taking any shit from this stranger...he'd tried to avoid it for as long as possible....I'm not happy about him hitting him, but considering this is the first time he'd struck anyone, and the scenario involved, I'll live with it).

15: "If you hadn't pissed me off about the driver's license thing I would've been sitting with you, and none of that would've happened! It's all your fault!"
(I chose not to bring up the fact that his friends were there and that I'm sure regardless of the circumstances he would've decided to sit with them and not me anyway)
Me: "Please don't swear when you're talking to me"

I drove home singing to myself, pretending we were one joyous family and that 14 wasn't getting too close to his girlfriend in the back seat. Deny...Deny...DENY!
Saturday, May 07, 2005

Her Thoughts

She's restless. Everything is annoying her. Little irritations picking away at her....digging deep into her stomach. The man at the shopping centre that wouldn't get out of her way fast enough...the baby that kept crying, with no end of the noise seeming in the near future...what was it's mother doing anyway?...maybe it just wanted to be picked up out of it's restraints and cuddled. She wanted to cuddle that baby.

She's feeling impatient. Everything not being done quick enough. Details being forgotten. Her home is in order but her mind is disorganised, she wanders around moving items from one room to the next. Things that don't need moving. Everything is in it's place...as it should be....tidy, organised...like hospital corners on a bed. Just so. But something is missing...a loneliness rises inside her...winding it's way up her inner torso....she forces it back down for fear of choking on it.

She lays down on her neatly made bed, eyes closed. Thoughts and visions flash across the darkness. Images of mountains and craters.....hundreds of people...planes descending and ascending....the black of the water at night during the boat's crossing....the squirrel darting across the park and up a tree trunk...the beautiful sculptures on the walls of parliament. The warmth of a man's hand holding hers....the love in his eyes when he looks down on her. The soft touch of his mouth manipulating hers...sucking on each others tongues...savouring the taste and feel of every tiny curve and fold in their smiles....she remembers and feels her body melting in that memory.

As she lays quietly....thinking...wondering...still remembering....her hands start to move from the resting place on her stomach...they glide over her waist and up further to cup her breasts....palms slowly circling the fleshy mounds through the material of her shirt. Her nipples harden and she groans. She lays there stroking...caressing....her breathing changing rhythm. She recalls the flick of his tongue over her nipples...the sound of his breathing as he sucked and licked them...nibbling them, sending her into a frenzy of desire.

Her pussy's aching...desperate for attention. One hand slides down to slip under the fabric of her panties and covers the mound of soft hair....she feels the warmth rising from between her legs. Her fingers spread the swollen threshold to find the core of the ache....she gasps. The moist heat covers her fingers as she starts to slowly rub the engorged button...the slippery wetness of her centre arousing the love and devotion she remembers.

Fingers circling and rubbing...sliding back and forth ....the smell of her own sexuality surrounds her, heightening her focus....ragged breathing....legs tightly squeezed, hips tense and waiting for release....the other hand snakes above her head to grip the slats in the headboard....her back is arched...groaning aloud with the sheer enjoyment of pleasuring....she inhales sharply as she recalls the delicious sensation of his hardness entering her for the first time...her throaty whisper is spoken to an empty room... "Ooooh Baby, that feels soooo good"....teeth now biting her bottom lip.....the heat grows stronger....rubbing faster and faster....heat building....hotter and hotter...sounds of her whimpering and moaning fill the room. The hot embers burst into flame as a rush of adrenalin explodes within...she cries out passionately, her body jerking and shuddering with the intensity of her lust.

She lays still...slowly spiraling back down into the real world...her heart rate slowing to normal...ragged breathing now silenced. Opening her eyes, she stares at the ceiling....thinking again....remembering....wishing. A single tear escapes.
Friday, May 06, 2005

Um..What were we talking about?..

A couple of weeks ago I posted my finale of 100 Things About Me....one of the last entries was about my slight epilepsy problem. I said I don't convulse, and I don't. It affects my eyesight more than anything else...well it affects my speech at times as well, and if I have a seizure mid-sentence I slow right down because what I was saying has completely escaped my brain and I have to fight to remember what it was all about (the sentence that is, not my brain). The seizure triggers something in my brain that stops sending signals to my vocal cords, and makes anything I'm looking at swim before my eyes. These episodes last for approximately 10-15 seconds. Sometimes I want to just sink into them...close my eyes and fall into the abyss of the kalidescope, a slight physical rush envelopes me entirely...other times I feel semi-panic brewing in my stomach...especially if I'm driving...and I fight to keep focus on the road.

This is one of the reasons I so hate driving at night. All the lights of oncoming traffic, coupled with lack of sleep and sometimes stress can spark off an attack of these heebie jeebie demons. The boys are both aware of this and understand it...although I have to admit that on at least two occasions, I've made them both freak out by saying "Fuck, I'm having a seizure, hang on". Both of them have had to be my 'eyes' on occasion. Thus I don't drive at night if I can help it...especially if it's raining...the raindrops on the windshield magnify the oncoming traffic lights and blah blah blah...I find myself struggling to focus...not a good thing. My ex-husband is also well aware of this, and I have often called upon him to take the boys to wherever they need to go in the evening if I have to.

Although the daily medication I take controls these seizures...if I'm particularly tired, it can spark them off. The last few days I've been having problems while in front of the computer. Last night, especially so. I sat here and tried to read your blogs and had to keep closing my eyes to avoid the 'swimming' affect coming over me. No luck. I came back again later and tried....nope...my brain wasn't having a bar of if. Yesterday was a very busy day at work, not without it stresses and by the time I came home I was so keyed up I almost spring cleaned the house (that's a good thing, it was well overdue). Once that was done and I was feeling in control of my life, I sat down here and 'bingo' I could barely focus on what any of you had said.

Next week could be particularly difficult....I'm starting double shifts at the surgery while one of my co-workers holidays in Spain for 3 weeks (woo hoo, lucky her!)....this is going to mean less blogging time...less reading blogs and a phenomonal amount of catching up to do in the weekends. Try not to do anything tooooo exciting in case I miss it ok? During my more 'lucid' moments, you can bet your bottom dollar that I will be still attempting to keep you abreast of what's going on in my world/brain...whether it be something wonderful or nothing at all. (Let's face it, it's become rather obvious I can blog about nothingness til the cows come home.)

Please don't think I've disappeared from your blogs...I'm trying...considering my brain loses momentum with the rest of my limbs (eg typing fingers)...commenting could come out in any form at the moment, so I've avoided doing that, but I am trying to keep up with what you're all saying...it's just taking me a little longer to grasp.

And now that I've said all that, I'll probably be seizure-free for ages and find I whined about all this for nothing! lol

PS: I had a short episode at work yesterday....during which I managed to perform a sex change on a patient. It was relatively simple...I just basically used the computer to write directly over the top of a woman with a man...hey presto! The sister became the brother and the brother took on the debt of the sister...this debt was not minimal...it was rather substantial, like over $900. By the time I came home, I had orchestrated a reversal. This was important before the patient came in and the doctor read the medical notes...imagine his surpise at finding the male before him was complaining of aching ovaries last time he was in attendance. I'm impressed with myself...all these years I have been harbouring a hidden talent for trans-gender doctoring....who knew??
Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Tag...You're It

The man with the wonderful description of kissing (scroll down to "Besame Mucho")...that'd be Brian....has tagged me to play the "If I could be..." game. Apparently he's asked me cos he wants a New Zealand perspective on it. (I humour myself by thinking he asked me cos he thinks I'm an extremely gorgeous and sexy woman with a great set of nay-nays....SEE? I can play this game...I'm dreaming already! Yay Me!)

The object of this exercise is simple. Pick five from the list (way down there below) and complete the phrase. Feel free to add additional occupations after you've done yours. Pass it on by tagging others.

If I could be an Hooker....I would bat my eyelashes, flash my cleavage, blow kisses at passing prospects...I would take in only the richest and most handsome customers, being sure they had kind hearts....When alone, I would yell "Noooo, please don't do this, don't touch me!" and then cry and cry and CRY about my sick mother and my child that was due to have a limb amputated....and the customer would feel so badly they would pay a huge sum for me to stop crying, and throw in a tip for medical bills for my family. Then I would use the money to buy a farm and ship Walker over from Canada.

If I could be a farmer.....I would grow fields upon fields of lavender. I would have a small group of cows mincing around somewhere, cos I think that cows eyes and lavender go together in some way, not sure how, but they just do. I would live in a beautiful big 12 bedroom farmhouse with a verandah that went all the way around the outside, and I would refurbish my farmhouse into a Bed and Breakfast. Walker would be involved, cos he's so good at fixing anything that gets broken, and one hell of a cook, so all the guests would be wowed by his cullinary prowess (but unable to pronounce anything he did cook) and come back again and again.

If I could be a doctor....I would give all my patients a stern lecture about not harrassing the lovely receptionists and that the reason I was an hour late getting to said patient was because of ME, not them. (They never take it out on the doctor.) Then I would fix their broken bones with duct tape (for better support)....close up their open wounds with sellotape...wipe their noses with tissues and tell them not to go out in cold weather just after they've washed their hair. I would play with their babies, squash and squeeze them til they threw up on me...and then I would assume that the nastiness they'd come to see me about had now left their wee bodies.

If I could be a librarian....I would spend most of my day with my nose buried in a book. I would get to "ssshhhhhh" people on a regular basis and give them stern, grumpy looks for interrupting my reading time. I would patrol dark corners at the ends of aisles etc for imposter library-goers, who were there primarily to 'cop a feel'.

If I could be an actor....I would be the girl that wore the pretty white floaty dress that ran in slow motion through lavender meadows, hair caught by the wind and sing to the cows that would meander their way down to the milking shed each morning for Walker to milk. The background music would be composed by Roger Somebody (Dances with Wolves). In the evenings I would sit on the vernada in a wooden rocking chair, wearing elaborately sequined dresses, a tiara on my head...and Walker would keep me amused by reading aloud all your blogs as he massaged my feet (that's the beauty of wireless connection don't ya know?)

Uh oh...Um....I just realised that this really doesn't have much of a New Zealand slant at all....let me think....*brain pounding against skull walls again*. Oh ok....The farm on the other side of the boundary fence from my lavender/cow paddocks has 50 million sheep...the owner of this farm's name is Fred Dagg and every year he hosts the national gumboot throwing competition. Ah, that should do it.

Now I have to tag a few people to play this game (sorry folks, it's part of the rules and besides, if I have to play, it's only justice that I drag some of you with me)...so...I choose to tag...

Walker... it seems only fair ...afterall he's been portrayed as my Man Slave...and he deserves the right to reply

Bella....cos I want her brain to hurt as well (and she's been my faithful reader from the beginning of time, ok, not that long but you know what I mean)

Jon...because I always enjoy reading things from a tree trimmer's point of view

Kirsten....I thought this might be a good way to keep her mind off *cough* other things (like telling the blog world that I was wrong hahaha)

Fizzy...because she may not get the chance to participate once she starts working hard at teaching her students about important subjects, like ducks.

Right you lot (should you choose to accept this mission)...take 4/5 things on the following list and complete the sentence. GO!

If I could be a scientist...
If I could be a farmer...
If I could be a musician...
If I could be a doctor...
If I could be a painter...
If I could be a gardener...
If I could be a missionary...
If I could be a chef...
If I could be an architect...
If I could be a linguist...
If I could be a psychologist...
If I could be a librarian...
If I could be an athlete...
If I could be a lawyer...
If I could be an innkeeper...
If I could be a professor...
If I could be a writer...
If I could be a llama-rider...(by Ogre)
If I could be a bonnie pirate...(By Teach)
If I could be a servicemember...(By Jeremy)
If I could be a business owner...(By Blue 944)
If I could be an actor... (By Blue 944)
If I could be an agent...(By KelBel)
If I could be video game designer...(By KelBel)
If I could be a comic book artist...(By Stoli)
If I could be a hooker...(By Pollo Loco)
If I could be a crack addict (by Elizabeth)
If I could be a porn star (by Elizabeth)
If I could be a mime (by Garrison)
If I could be a domestic engineer (by Rick)
If I could be a chimney sweep (by laine)
If I could be a masseuse (by laine)
If I could be a taxi driver (by Brian)
If I could be a priest (by Brian)
If I could be a fighter pilot (by Sara)
If I could be a homeless person (by Sara)

If you are upset and weeping that I didn't choose you, then feel free to take part....the more the merrier! If you're pissed off that I tagged you for this...take it up with my bodyguard...you can find him here.
Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Guide to Great Cybersex

I found this on the internet several years ago....I have no idea how I came across this site...all I know is I printed it out because it gave me such a laugh. The other day while I was chucking out papers and files, I came across it. I've tried to go back to the webpage that I took this from, but it has either been changed or is now out of existence. Seeing as I tend to share most of my life with you...I shall share this as well....lol (This is otherwise known as 'more cheating').

***
Jenni's Guide to Great Cybersex

Before becoming involved in any kind of cybersex please make sure your spouse, boyfriend, kids, etc. are out of the room at the time, (preferably out of the house and not during a major holiday when your in-laws are in attendance.) It really gets difficult explaining what you are doing undressing in front of the computer, drooling out of one corner of your mouth, moaning and groaning while the buzz of various "toys" can be heard.

For men, before you begin, please check that your modem protector is on, along with the splash guard for your keyboard. it will stop the future embarrassment of telling the computer technician that your keys are "stuck" and you have no idea why.

For women, no matter what you are truly wearing, such as, sweat pants, sweat shirt, torn bathrobe, slippers, t-shirt with stains on the front, bloomer underwear that could cover a car or be used for a parachute, always tell your potential cyber partner you are wearing a thong, garter belt with black stockings, and your best wonderbra, (the one that has everything pulled up so high your belly button is under your chin), and a pair of high heels. We don't have want to destroy that myth that all women dress that way when we sit down at the computer. Although I truly wear these things each and every time i sit in front of my computer. (It does seem to cause a bit of a commotion at the office but I have certainly worked my way up the ranks in the company.) As for what the man should be wearing, we all know that they are all naked and wearing just a smile.

If a cyber begins to get very hot please refrain from straddling your monitor, there are many potential emergency room stories to be told if you get overly excited, not to mention the many years of therapy to get you to let go and not continue this sordid affair with your 15" screen.

If the cyber is not going well, please let the other person know in the best way you can. It is not very polite to tell them that you are doing your nails, have just made up your grocery list for the next month, shingled the house, pulled out one of your wisdom teeth because you were bored, would rather read the instructions on how to set the time on your VCR, checked your fridge to make sure the light still works when you open the door, and last but not least, stuck your tongue to an ice cube tray to stop monotony.

When it really starts getting hot and heavy, please check your spelling before you send that embarrassing typo. i.e. "Oh baby, let me suck on those beautiful beasts of yours. I just love your hot, wet posse" (kinda puts a western slant on things) or "Oh baby, you have such a big coke", (hope you go the supersized fries with burger with that). "That's it baby, show me that beautiful clint" (go ahead, make my day), and the proverbial "oh fork me hard".

Pay attention to what is going on. Please refrain from putting your "coke" in one place, when your cyberpartner had just typed that it was someplace else. If you have no clue as to where the cyber is going, ask to buy a vowel. If you are really lost and can't keep up, or you had a case of premature cybering and really do not feel like typing for 3 days to satisfy your female counterpart, just pretend you got bumped offline. That always works and at least she won't take it so personally. Please refrain from the excuse, "I have to let my dog out".

Once both cyberpartners have been satisfied, or faked satisfaction, (oh great, we now have the added pressure of faking cyberorgasms too), at least say thank you. (Thank you can mean "thank God it's over" or "THANK YOU" because you truly had a wonderful time.

If it was a truly bad experience, do not feel pressured into ever having cybersex with this person again. When they ask for your email address, just give them the wrong one. If they begin to pester you, it's proper etiquette to just bump yourself offline, or just say "Huh? I never got your message". Nobody needs to suffer a really bad cyber twice.

Last, but not least, remember that cybersex will not make you go blind, unless you keep all the lights out in the house while having it, watching the screen in the dark does make your eyes burn. Realise that you may be addicted if your real life partner walks by naked and you'd rather be typing with one hand and still trying to keep a steady rhythm going. Sex can be jest as nice with a partner you know. And just for variety, when your right hand gets tired, try dating your left hand for something different.

***

So there you have it. Now you all know how to go about it (well kinda sort anyway). One day I might actually attempt to have a go at doing a dialogue thingy of headset sex, who knows?

Monday, May 02, 2005

Missing In Action

Feeling full of new inspirational thoughts and blogging phenomona, I planned to be a clever dicky today and tried messing around with my template. Nothing too drastic, was just going to add a new heading to my side bar. Something to the tune of "Past Posts I Enjoyed Writing" kinda thing.

So I go look at my template and the HTML swims before my eyes...symbols...dancing around...flaunting themselves at me...talking to me...saying "can you do this?"...and..."can you do that?"....."neener neener neeeeeener". All of them joining together and chanting at me...teasing me...."Come on...you know you want to". Crazy speak is what it is...CRAZY I tell you!!!

Anyway, that's as far as I got.

I took one look and my brain deserted me.....it ran in the opposite direction....ran... at great speed...it bounded away with a new obsession not to think anymore...it took substantial leaps of superhero monstrosity to be as far away as possible from my inner skull. At one stage, it stopped...looked back...pointed it's two index fingers at me....then cackling with high pitched laughter said...."You're on your own here Girl".

It bounced on the desk in front of me.....ricochetted off the wall...skated along the carpet towards the ranchslider....stepped through the door, out into the big bad world....turned, waved, winked...somersalted backwards over the balcony.....and disappeared...*poof*...just like that....gone Gone GONE!

Thus...

here I sit....

alone again...

wondering....

wondering how my brain grew a couple of index fingers worthy of pointing at me....wondering where it learned to skate with such olympic precision and beauty....wondering what size skates it's tiny 'brain-feet' were wearing....wondering if it would be safe and warm.....and wondering how it's possible to even wonder, when my head is now an empty vessel.

This can't be a good thing....surely losing one's brain in such a way needs some explaining. I call out to my children....who for once in their teenage lives appear immediately before me....they stand there solemnly....waiting for to me to speak.

*sigh*

"Which one of you do I need to punish for leaving the door open?"
Sunday, May 01, 2005

Blank Blankety Blank

I have nothing to say. Imagine that? Yep... I have nothing to say today. If anyone wants to comment on that, you have the floor.

And I bet you lot didn't think I could write a short post eh? lol