Because I can ...

Hm...I'm doomed if that's the case. I think you probably know by now, that not much in my life is straight. Oh, my sexuality, that's definitely straight (except that one time waaay way back when I was messing around seeing what it was like...yeah, so I kissed a girl and I didn't like it. No cherry chapstick maybe? Anyway, who cares, nuff of that). When it comes to my household...and my background with men...not very straight. But hey, I'm working on it and as far as I'm concerned I'm on the straight and narrow now, so you can breathe a sigh of relief. God knows I put some of you through some tough reading with all my to-ing and fro-ing a while ago. I can procrastinate too long at times, and chop and change my mind so often that my life can become virtually akin to zig-zag formation. Not a bad fashion statement in the 60's but under the "OMG You're Kidding Me?!" heading on the mental stability front. And it doesn't stop my brain from ha...

Just a quick catch up on some of what I've been doing lately. (Please excuse the quality of the photos, I've taken them with my phone.) I flew down south on a whim a couple of weeks ago...you may remember that...I blogged from Dan's while I was on my second drink. It snowed while I was there! This was very exciting for me. I've never been in the snow before. Course for Dan it was just a damn nuisance and while I was busy outside taking a few photos, he was busy inside telling me to "Close the bloody door!" lol. (He did however come out eventually, but only to make a snowball and then pose for a photo that I could send to Jaimee.) I made scones...and they were good. True story! They really WERE good! I had to use scone mix though....I've discovered it's the only way I can get decent scones. Honest to God, I've tried just about every other way/recipe, and this is it. Buy scone mix from supermarket, add water. Wa la! I helped Anna and Jason pack up h...

If you've been reading me for a long time, you'll be aware that my bed needs fixing. That is to say, it squeaks...loudly. So loudly, that it distracts those using it, from the quest at hand. To remedy this problem...and it IS a problem if you're a teenage boy trying to sleep, study or hang out, in the room next door... apparently a screw extractor, or an 'easy out' is required. From what I can gather, they're not always that successful. I need a new bed. Mainly because I'm not sure how I'm going to fix the one I've got. Dan thinks it's unnecessary. And he'd be right, if he was sleeping on his own in it....or I was sleeping on my own in it...which at the moment, I'm doing the majority of the time. But, when we're both in it? We need a new one. Any kind of movement on it makes it creak, let alone when you're really wanting to get ya motor running, so to speak. So anyway, a couple of weeks ago my mate Fi sent me this link and told ...

Well I'm back in Wellington. Flew home late last night. Clear skies, no wind, so rather uneventful. The cabin crew however was another story. They were chatty, friendly and full of quips and wise-cracks over the PA system. For instance, "Here at Pacific Blue, we pride ourselves on having skillful and efficient pilots, and the most up to date technical equipment. We also pride ourselves on having the most good looking cabin crew." "Unfortunately they couldn't be with us on this flight, so you'll have to put up with blah, blah and blah* this evening." (*Not their real names. ) and "We're about to dim the lights for take-off, so if you were thinking of making a move on the person next to you, now would be a good time to do it." Then hissing eerily into the microphone: "I know what you did last summer!" While the above brought a smile to my face, it didn't change the fact that I'd left Dan behind. It's lovely to be a norma...

It's probably best to let you know from the start that I've been drinking. Not much...actually I'm only on my second bourbon, but anyone that knows me well enough, will nod their head and comment that I'm quite likely to be half-pissed. Bingo...that's me right now haha. Now to get on with the rest of my gap filling stuff. Once I've done filling the holes, I may feel I'm able to blog 'normally', whatever the hell that is these days. But hey, who cares? Because I'd like to be able to write what I'm upto and to my regular readers some of it is not going to make sense if I carry on about this. That and the other thing, which will not gel mentally/chronologically with what's been written already. Afterall, I do know that y'all have been wondering, needing to know even. I am, if nothing else, trying to be good host and making an effort to keep you abreast of my life. Let's face it, y'all are sitting onn the edge of your seat...

Earlier this year when I was having my sabbatical (which is just a fancy word for "trying to hide and hope no-one notices") , I had a decision to make. Believe it or not, and against my better judgement, Neil was still in contact at that point (yeah yeah, I can hear ya, don't ask, it's just too crazy to explain) . ANYWAY, I took my break from the world at large, and then took a two week one from the menfolk. By the end of that, I'd driven myself almost potty trying to sort my shit out. We all know it's that much easier to sort other people's problems than you're own. And considering neither of them were Michael Buble, it just wasn't that cut and dried, ya know?? (I'm gonna have his babies, did I tell you? Just sayin') Dan was married, Neil was in England. Neil was in the throes of organising a trip to New Zealand...Dan was trying to get himself out of a complicated situation, and attempting to do right by all involved. Now this next part is...

Anna came to see her GP the other night, Jason and Jaimee accompanying her. Jaimee (4) came around the back of the reception desk and sitting on my knee pointed to my telephone earpiece/mic. Jaimee: "What's that?" Me: "Oh, this is my secret microphone to the boss." Jaimee: "Oh. But who's the boss of you , Aunty Lisa?" I watched her eyes widen as I held the micophone closer to my mouth and whispered: Me: "Hello?...God?...Are you there God?" (Got myself a slap from her mum for that one lol) *** Occasionally the doctors are given gifts of thanks from their patients. Dr R has had a box of chocolates sitting in his tray since last Friday. While I was messing about with the doctors mail this morning, one of the nurses commented: Nurse: "He's had those chocolates there for almost a week now." Me: "And you're bringing this to my attention because...?" Nurse: "Because I feel like eating chocolate today, that's...

This is the first time in many years that I've had a real life time relationship. A REAL one. One where I can actually physically touch the person I love, one where I can cuddle up to him at night, read books in bed beside him, cook in the kitchen alongside him. The bonus of this, besides feeling and acting almost like normal people, is I get to make love to him, with him. In the same bed no less...who knew how incredible the union of two bodies could be? I'd forgotten what that felt like...the feelings of joining together with someone so freely and with that much love had drifted off to such a distance, they would brush past my memory banks so fleetingly I had to wonder if they'd ever existed to start with. I can safetly say that I have not felt this connected to another person since way back when I fell in love with the boys' father. I was 18. And while I don't want to minimise how I felt about Pat, there's certainly a difference to falling in love at 18...

I'm having withdrawal issues re smoking again. I can feel it in my stomach. That knot that starts getting tighter and tighter each time I realise that I'm a non-smoker. Each time my body thinks "Hm, now feels like a good time for a smoke"...and then the mental gasp of....."You don't smoke, remember??!" YES!...ALRIGHT!...I REMEMBER!...*mutter mutter*...bitch. This'll teach me. Serves me right for thinking I was going to be able to smoke for a couple of days (or five) and then stop again without any problem. It's probably one of the phases of the non-smoking thing....I stopped reading Allen Carr's book because I stopped smoking before I even got past chapter 2. I was SO ready to quit. Apparently Mr Carr suggests/recommends you continue to smoke while you read his book. Course I never got far enough in the book to find out why . NOW, I'm willing to read the whole damn book, but only because it'll give me some kinda weird 'per...

And this is what she looks like today. (Her head looks disproportionate to the rest of her but we'll have to put that down to the photograher and the fact I only ever take photos with my camera these days.) I was going to spend some time reading blogs and even post again, but I've run out of time...I'm off to get physio done on my knee and then to work. By the time I get home, I doubt I'll feel like doing anything haha.

As most of you will know, this young lady is the lovely Jaimee (not sure why she looks cross-eyed in this pic, must've been the photographer!) If her parents weren't around so often, I would attempt to claim her as mine, but alas, they won't go away. Both my boys are of the impression that Jaimee's needs and wants come above and beyond theirs' in this house, even when she's not here. There are certain bits and pieces that I'll buy for her in the grocery shopping, and should I see one of the boys reaching towards them in the pantry, I'll always point out..."Oh, I got that for Jaimee, she loves those museli bars...please don't eat them." or whatever it is. Generally this gets the response of "Oh, right, yes of course, I see how it is." Yesterday I answered the phone to hear a rather high-pitched Anna... "Jaimee's fallen at kindy, are you able to go and get her?!" Friday is my day off, I had climbed back into bed earli...

This is getting a bit hopeless isn't it? I have lots of things running around in my head to write about, yet when I sit here, I have trouble putting the words together to make it readable. I think the best thing to do is basically just spit it out and forget about grammar completely...well, maybe not...but maybe just enough for you to understand what I'm going on about anyway lol. And shorter, sharper posts. Which is better than no posts at all. For me I mean, I miss writing on here, regardless of size... ...and we all know that life is not necessarily about size right?...more about length... ...err...*cough*...of life, that is. Moving right along. Larry...thank you for your apology. Noone is hearing from me like they used to. Besides Leilani and Lisa, two ladies very dear to me, I have been extremely slack at getting in touch with anyone online. Dan is the special man in my life, so you can not only imagine, but expect, that I am in constant contact with my sweetheart. I...

*ahem* *tap, tap, tap* "Err, is this thing on?" *thonk, thonk, thonk!* *deepens voice* "Charlie, Romeo, Alpha, Papa...are you receiving me?...over" *rolls eyes* Yeah....I know....sorry. Soooo....I stopped smoking two months ago. Exactly two months ago today actually, 23rd of January. What possessed me to stop smoking and blogging in the same week is beyond me...but it happened anyway, and despite some ups and downs emotionally, we managed to ride it out. The kids didn't even notice I'd stopped until I pointed it out to them 3 days after the fact...and here's me hoping I was raising a couple of observant and attentive young men. *sigh* Saying that, when I did approach them, asking "Have you noticed anything different about me the last few days??" , they both suddenly took great interest in my hair. *snort* I also took some time out from the adult male variety, trying to give myself some space to think (like I needed any more freakin' time ...

I'm taking a sabbatical. Just letting you know in case you start to wonder if I've fallen down a dark hole. I'm still around checking in on my blog favourites but need the time out from my own life and just about everything else right now. I wish you good health and much happiness. Take care and bye for now xx

That's the name of the OPI nail polish on my toes..."Where's My Limo"...cute huh?...oh never mind. Leilani?...Thank you. Thank you for commenting on that post down there...I couldn't have said it better myself. You're a gem and a good mate...ok, one that asks some frightening questions (via email) . Questions that have my brain struggling to monumental proportions, but a great mate nonetheless. Big smooches to you my gorgeous friend. Right, 'nuff of the mush. You'll be thinking I've been eating too much sugar again. (Have not !) So anyway , I keep sitting down here to write something...anything...and then my mind scrambles any possible subject I might come up with and I get up again, and walk away. Actually, this afternoon at work, I was thinking that I'd just come home and do a video post...that'd solve the thought of sitting here in this heat and messing around with the keyboard. But, on the way home I made a detour to the supermarket...i...

Cancer (June 22 - July 23) "An outburst does you no favours on the relationship front so take a few moments to cool off. What is it that you are really furious about, the real issue or your lack of control? You are the only one responsible for this difficult situation. You can put an end to it by changing your stance and temporarily going with the flow." How DO they know?? It's almost like magic, isn't it? Pfft. Tomorrow I want to read one that says something about dreams coming true and harmony and peace will reign supreme in your life and blah blah blah, warm, fuzzy, wholesome, positive stuff. Fuck that negative shit. And the swearing... enough of the swearing! Eh? That was me, you say? Oh...yeah...that WAS me *sigh* You know? One day I may just surprise the crap out of you all and get it right! I promise we'll fly lots of colourful banners and balloons that day, k? Hell, we'll have a fucking parade to celebrate that milestone, I tell ya!

You know you've been distracted when... - you drive 50 yards down the street and it's the 3 year old passenger beside you that brings to your attention she's not buckled in - "Oh! My seatbelt Aunty Lisa!"; - you immediately have to apologise and then have a conversation about 'naughty' words and how bad Aunty Lisa is, all.the.way.home, because you just said "Fuck!" in front of said 3 year old without thinking; - the following day, you jump in the car, put it in gear and instantly move in reverse coming within a hair's breadth of the garage wall behind you; - you yell at the children for not putting their shoes away...take a seat at the computer, look down and count five pairs that belong to your own feet; - you discover you're completely out of blood pressure medication and it's the last thing you should be without right now; - you have to ring work in the morning to ask what time you're expected to be there that day; - you'...

I had a lengthy text conversation with Neil's son last night. Neil's still in hospital and the doctors can't find anything else wrong with him, they believe it's "psychological trauma" that set him off. He's seen a psychoanalyst and will be doing so again. They'll be keeping him in for a further couple of days to make sure it doesn't recur and he's very withdrawn at the moment. Mike's also said, Neil is asking after me every day, and nobody knows what to tell him. Mike said the best thing for Neil right now, would be for me to make up my mind. So I did...I told Mike that it was better that I just backed off completely. I told him that I can't continue to keep doing this to Neil, and that by me disappearing I will no longer be screwing around with his father's head or his health. Mike's obviously angry at my decision, and knows it will further upset his father. He said that if I think he can tell his Dad that, while he'...

So I made the decision to take some time out from Neil...On Friday morning I asked for two weeks, no email, text or phone contact at all. I needed a breather. I've been feeling under so much pressure, it's been a nightmare trying to juggle two men in such a way. Foolish of me to think I might actually have a handle on it. I lied to Neil, told him that Dan was no longer in contact. This is not the first time I've lied to Neil...I did it a few years ago. It really is quite hopeless trying to keep everyone happy you know. It can't be done. Well, more to the point, I can't do it and not suffer emotionally and mentally anyway. Here's the quick version: - Neil knowing full well that I was already involved with someone else (yet unaware of the married status of that person), asked if he could come to NZ to see me. At that time, he was prepared to come here regardless of my circumstances, and said it was my choice that we meet, secretly or openly. I told him there was n...

...or not. The beginning of a new year. The possibilities could be endless really...or could they? I guess that remains to be seen. Did you know, I've been blogging for 3 years now? Yes, I'm amazed too. December 31st, 2004...that was my first ever blog entry. Not that you can tell...for some reason my archives only show up from Jan 2005. Whatever...no biggie. Funnily enough, I've come full circle. Three years ago, I was faced with making a decision when it came to the men in my life. Yes, that's "men", plural. The last few months, I've found myself again in a similar situation. Two men, one me...now that aint gonna work, is it? I've said "funnily enough"...yet it certainly has no humour to it at all. How the hell do I get myself into these situations? Is it because I'm weak and insecure? Is it because I'm the procrastinator extraordinaire? Is it because I'm greedy and want everything? Possibly a combination of all the...