Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Deciphering Me...

The last couple of days have been like slow motion. Literally. I've never been someone to be constantly moving and on the go anyway, I'm far too lazy for that. Lots of things I know need doing are buzzing in my head, so my brain is always working, but my body? Nah. It goes at it's own pace.

Today it showed that more than ever, when I got to work and found myself so lightheaded and giddy I had to move around at the speed of a snail. Went into the nurses office and asked her to take my bp. My blood pressure was actually really low...MY blood pressure...that is SO unusual for me. My bp has always been on the high side and a few years ago it got dangerously high (205/130). I finally gave in and started taking medication for it. It's NEVER been as low as it is today.

I have no idea why. It's not like I've been sitting on my arse doing nothing is it? Anyway, the nurse involved the doctor, who halved my meds and we're going to see if that makes a difference. I hope so. I've got lots of things I want to do around here, and it's taken me this long to get motivated. That smidgeon of motivation will be obliterated if I have to do it in slow motion for fear of the giddiness completely taking over and having me faint. Nothing will get done. That'll piss me off no end.

My previous post was obviously a bit of a vent/rant *sheepish look*. Thank God for my blog I say...it's been great in the past for me to spit thoughts out on, and it's now obvious to all and sundry that I still use it as such. Thank you to those that have commented or emailed me. I appreciated hearing from you. I always appreciate hearing from you.

I realise that 95% of you may have no idea what I was going on about because I've chosen to keep my personal life and what's going on in it, to myself. Obviously I drank far too much, turned into a potty mouth and spewed forth. That's ok, I'm allowed, but I do try to keep it to a minimum when I have more control. I hate turning into a loose cannon.

I've decided to take a blogging vacation. Don't know for how long, but I know I could do with a break away and I also suspect it's been coming for a while. I will endeavour to keep up with what you're doing... as you know, I'm too nosey not to keep my hand in here somewhere. So I won't be disappearing completely...just taking the time out.

Have fun people, enjoy your lives and those that are privileged to be in it...oh, and blog about it. That way I can continue to share in some of those special moments too!

Until then...much love to all...*blows kiss*
Thursday, March 01, 2007

Shattering Glass

There have been changes happening in my personal world these past couple of weeks. Some I've orchestrated myself, others I didn't expect and some I'd rather not have happen but have happened nonetheless. How rude is THAT?? Ah well, shit happens. We try to roll with the punches....dust ourselves off, get up and continue breathing in and out, and putting one foot in front of the other. Ooooh the dramatics of it all.

We have to deal with changes in our lives all the time right? We adjust and readjust to adapt to everything that occurs in our lives, whether it be on an annual basis, monthly and even on a daily basis. One day we can be blissfully unaware of what's going on behind closed doors, we go through our routine with a smile on our faces. Then the next day?....we're left with a dazed, blank expression that comes about from a tone of voice or a few words. Words we don't expect...words we may even be prepared to hear but that in itself doesn't make them any easier to receive.

"We need to talk" (translates to: I'm about to say something you're not going to be happy hearing.)

Yep, I hear those words and right then and there I know. What's the point in talking after those 4 words are spoken? I know what's coming next. Wouldn't it be easier to stop the conversation at that point? Maybe. But personally? I'd have questions crowding my mind. So I wouldn't stop there...I'd want to hear more...and being the glutton for punishment I can be at times....I'd want to ask pointed questions that aren't always easy to answer. But we ask anyway regardless of the hurt we know the responses are going to cause. I've always loved honest people with a passion.

So...what do we do once that happens? Do we lay down and let the feeling of loss wash over us...leaving us devoid of motivation and all positive attitude? Or do we hold our heads up high and wear it along with the fallout of past hurts...painting a smile on, pretending all is still great in our little corner of the world? And if we feel and know, that beyond all the bullshit, what we had there is worth hanging onto or even fighting for...are we ready to give it all up so easily? Damn the torpedoes and full steam ahead?

How does one do that? Affairs of the heart are not competitions. And noone wants to be seen as a bitter, twisted person who ends up stalking and harrassing others. (Well, not ALL the time anyways haha.) Someone pass me a bazooka and a bullet-proof vest. I have no idea what I'd set my sights on right now, but it's gotta feel a little good to shoot the fucking thing off at this point.

I feel so flat and withdrawn today I could be mistaken for a $50 note. A few more of those and I'll be able to hire my own steamroller. Mind you, I have managed to achieve getting this flat without one. Damn I'm good at that...I really must remember to include it as one of my special talents when I update my resume.

Oh by the way, I'm pissed at the moment...can you tell?? I've had a good amount of bubbly to deaden my emotions...bloody things won't lay down and die though...what the fuck's up with THAT?? How much fucking wine do I have to drink to kill the bastards? *sigh* I so feel like smashing something. Rest assured, it won't be my wine glass haha.

"And, I know that it's a wonderful world,
but I can't feel it right now,
well I thought that I was doing well,
but I just wanna cry now.

Well I know that it's a wonderful world,
from the sky down to the sea,
but I can only see it when you're here....here with me....
"

You know? This drunken blogging thing aint so bad really....stay tuned, I may choose to never sober up...ho ho ho and a bottle of Rum. *clink*

Oh well, at least my hair's having a good day, and fuck my walls are looking pretty hot if I do say so myself. Whoot!