Wednesday, June 01, 2005

A Wandering Post

Hallo Everybardee! (that's my Sharon Osborne impersonation.)

I'm listening to Lemar's "If There's Any Justice" while I'm sitting here wracking my brain as to what to write today. And this song coupled with the recent brain-hurty questions that are being flung at us via Lisa's blog have me wondering.

How many people out there are sitting in unhappy partnerships/marriages out there? How many are bobbling along in their marriages, for fear of not wanting to be alone or for the sake of the children etc?

I spent 15 years with my husband before I finally realised we just weren't the same people we used to be and no amount of compromise was going to get us through the rest of life together. I met him when I was 18...seperated from him at the age of a teenager, the other a much different woman and the mother of two boys. I don't regret this time of my life, not one iota...there's a lot of learning and growing to had in those 15 years. My ex-husband is a good man (for the most part hahaha)....I had basically discovered that after all those years, and the changes that came about...he just wasn't the man for me anymore.

What I'm trying to say here is, I had discovered this a few years before I actually took the plunge to end it...that's not to say I didn't love him during those last few years because I certainly did. Some of that delay was due to us trying to put the pieces back together...and some due to the thought of me trying to make it on my own. How would I cope with it all financially? Would anyone else want me? Would anyone else accept me with two young children? blah blah blah, the list could go on and on. I also felt he had similar thoughts running through his head...that with everything else he was dealing with at the office, he was only still here because it was easier not to cope with all the drama of leaving.

Anytime I took the boys out to do something fun eg, circus, picnics on the beach or at the park etc....I'd look around at other family units and wonder. Wonder if the man with them had been 'forced' to be there...had his wife nagged at him to get him to leave the house? had he been bribed with 'favours' to get him there? or was he there purely because he WANTED to be there? I would go home...look at my husband sitting in the same position I'd left him (couch potato) and wonder why he wasn't interested in spending time watching his children laughing and yelling at each over the sound of the surf at the beach. They're only going to be this age once...why not enjoy this time of their lives and be a part of it? It would upset me at how much he was missing out on.

In all fairness to him...if there was any special occasion they were involved in at school or wherever, he was there if he could be. Owning his own business made him a little more flexible when it came to dashing off from the office to watch the boys sing and dance in the latest school production. For that, I'm grateful he could be there for them. For me, it was about THEM..not was important for me that they see their Dad had made the effort to be there. On the other side of the coin, in times of crisis, he was always there, a rock to lean on...someone I could always count on to pull a rabbit out of the hat...or throw the sun back into the sky for us.

14 said something to me last night that made me think about this again. He said, right out of the blue "You know...Dad seems to be more of a friend to me these days than my father". Although I know, just as 14 knows, that when his father feels the need to put his foot down, he'll sharply turn back into that father figure without hesitation, just like that *snaps fingers*. But for the time being, I enjoyed hearing him say that...I think it's important that our children learn about the other side of their parents...that we're not just Mum and Dad...we are indeed people, just like they are....we make mistakes, we do and say stupid things at times....we fall down and bleed, just as they do.

Above all else, they know they can always depend on us to be there when they need us...they can depend on us to share the highs and lows of their lives with any capacity they want....mother, father or friend. Because despite what they can think of us at times, we have an unconditional love that will never be broken. One day, they'll understand the depth and intensity of this love....that'll be the day we're at the hospital..sharing in the joy of them becoming parents themselves. Until that day arrives, there is no other way we can explain this never-ending tie to them.

Whoa, did I get off the initial subject, or what?? A case of word association I'm afraid. I'll blame it on the fact I haven't taken my medication yet this morning.
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