Saturday, January 01, 2005

It's A Dilemma

I recently went overseas and met a lot of people I'd chatted to online over the last year. One man in particular in Canada whom I love but am not in love with. Wonderful guy, willing to please me in any way he can, bent over backwards to make my trip a memorable time. BUT...I also have a relationship with another in England...and have had this for a very long time...almost 5 years in fact. Never met him yet, but I will.

Ok, this may all sound like a bunch of crappy dribble by a bored desperate divorcee, but living it is not comfortable, and it's wrong for me to have both...I can't talk the same way with both of them, it's not ethical, goes against my standards...which at the moment I have strong doubts about due to my situation.

England is powerful and strong and full of spark, and we debate and argue passionately and have for years. He makes me so angry I want to smash crockery, yet I ache to be held by him so much it drives me crazy. In the past 18 months our relationship changed, he was dealing with a lot of health issues, big ones...his mother died, more to deal with....things changed for us, and we drifted to only chatting once a fortnight, sometimes only monthly. I felt he'd slipped away.

Canada was there waiting. Warm, friendly, loving and 'safe'. I slipped into a relationship with him, pushing England out of my mind...thinking England wouldn't be interested in me that way anymore anyway....and started feeling stronger about good things happening for me and Canada.

I finally got the opportunity to leave the country, I went to Canada. It was lovely, we had a wonderful time together, very comfortable with each other etc. When I got back home, I chatted online to England, told him that I had slept with Canada. Well....he reacted completely the opposite to what I expected. (I have to say here, I had been celebate until Canada, I'd been waiting for England, sheesh).

After such a length of time of being internet loves, England and I had discussed the possibility of us taking lovers in reality, trying to be realistic about the situation. And we had always said we would tell each other when we did. For him to find out that I had finally slept with someone, and gone to another country to do so?...he was devastated. The actual sex wasn't the issue, the going to Canada was....I never asked how England felt about me before I made plans to leave home....never knew that he wanted me to go to him. Well it turns out he did...he was just too pig headed (his words) to say so.

Today, I'm going to say goodbye to Canada. It's only fair under the circumstances. I gave my heart to England years ago, and I never asked for it back. I never wanted it back. It was where it belonged as far as I was concerned.

I know I'm going to hurt Canada by doing this, and the thought of that makes me want to weep. And I have, and no doubt I will again about it. But to be fair on both of them, one has to go, and my affinity with England is too strong, and we've been through too much for me to make it him.

Anyone reading this is going to think I'm a complete and utter moron. Trust me, I know it. Fancy going on about two men across the other side of the world like this. I felt the need to tell somebody and you're it. Anyone who wants to add their opinion about my crappy situation, feel free, I think I could do with a good smack in the head.
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