14 January 2005

Bella has got me to thinking. I need a more positive direction to go in with England. I need to set a goal and a date and sort out my finances and get my hiney over there. After the initial chat of confessing all about Canada and trying to work through it with England, I said to him (England) "perhaps next time we get online and chat we can talk about what we expect of and from each other?" He told me to slow down and let's get over this hurdle first. I suspect his heart rate had gone up and he was thinking I meant something along the lines of a marriage proposal or some such milarky. Not so. I meant as far as timing for texting and perhaps more chatting and being more open with each other. Wearing our hearts on our sleeves etc.

This weekend I'm going to talk to him about visiting him in England. God knows we used to talk about it at length. I briefly brought the subject up a couple of weeks ago, saying how very expensive it is over there. Well let's face it, it's bloody expensive in England, especially for us Kiwis, our dollar melts into about 30p or so. He said "Yes, but I would take care of the accommodation etc obviously" That left me wondering what "etc" actually encompasses. And besides, I'd like to make sure I had plenty of money behind me should I need to rush home in a hurry, I don't like the idea of someone else paying for much of anything for me, I'm an independent woman and choose to stay that way.

Soooo, I shall talk to him about a date, set myself a goal financially, and find out what "etc" stands for, so I know just exactly what it entails...what I need or don't need...the minimum amount of funds I need for the time being, and work my way up from there. I've done it before...had the savings set aside...but I was also working two jobs at the time so the money was coming easier....then my washing machine died...my tenants downstairs handed me notice.....couple that with 15's first year of college and my nest egg dwindled to taking a trip to the south island, not the the east of England. At that time England had been making noises about coming over here...him being tied into a contract gig-wise didn't help matters but the thought had always been there. We'd both like to visit each other's countries.

This has given me new inspiration to get my bum moving and put some direction in my relationship with him. I have to meet him don't I? Otherwise I'm never going to know if the chemistry and affinity we have is only that...an online connection...and the way we've felt about each other over the years is real...the emotions and yearnings...all physical and mental...are very real...I have to act on this.