Saturday, January 08, 2005

English Bounty

I feel I need to write something about England before you all think I'm potty and left him out of all these goings ons.

England and I have indeed spoken about visiting each others countries. We spoke about it at length in the first couple of years. At the time I was never in a financial position to make that happen unfortunately. By the time I'd managed to get that part of my life sorted, I was in the process of talking to Canada. England, I felt, had slipped away....our relationship appeared to change levels....to me, we were now good friends small talking about our lives when we had the chance. Our chats had dwindled to once a fortnight, sometimes monthly, and I felt he wasn't so interest in being anything more than my friend. Not my lover or partner.

It saddened me to feel that way but I accepted it too readily and moved on, keeping him in the back of my mind and heart, and comparing all other men to the way I first felt about him. Noone has ever affected me with the same rush of adrenalin and excitement that England has. He swooped into my life via ICQ and knocked me off my feet. He's a strong powerful personality, has an imposing and overwhelming maleness about him and we've travelled through life the past 5 years talking of anything and everything.

There is something special about the way he affects me....I can't explain it....it's just there, forever stalking me....forever making me feel that noone will ever measure up to the likes of him. He has a tough exterior of bravado, that shuts people out, including me...but over time I've come to realise that it's a self-defence mechanism he uses....he doesn't want to be hurt again. I feel he has high standards, too high for me to meet...and too high for me to aspire to. I was tired of trying to keep up.

He's a musician, a bass player, and has been gigging for at least 25 years now. The artistic side of him is moody and temperamental and as such we've had some rather passionate debates and arguments over time. To be expected with two such strong personalities as ours really. He said some time ago, that there would always be arguments between us...and he respected the fact that I stood my corner and fought back....argued/defended what I believed in. We can't always expect to agree on everything can we? It's what we do afterwards that's important. How we deal with these differences that's important.

I don't want a doormat that's going to lay down immediately and agree with everything I say. I'm a strong passionate woman with ideas of grandeur and dreams further afield than any rainbow...I need a strong man to bring me back to earth. And he certainly does that lol.

Bella asked me "what made you fly to Canada, but stops you from flying to England?". I guess it was insecurity at the time. I really felt that England wasn't interested in me as his partner anymore. I made a mistake in that respect. Unfortunately, what stops me from going to England now, is that I have no funds left....I've used up most of what I needed to go to Canada. I made the mistake of not asking England how he felt about me before I left the country....I made the mistake of assuming that he felt differently about me now. I went to where I felt I would be wanted and loved. I didn't want to ask England how he felt about me...because I had already assumed the answers...and quite frankly, being in denial, I didn't want to hear what I thought he was going to say. The reality of that gnaws at my consciousness.

We've had a lot of difficulties and differences of opinions to deal with over the years. Granted, what we've been going through recently has been a struggle for both of us, and quite a different hurdle than we're used to, but we're still here....still love each other very much....and in turn that makes us more determined to put the wrongs right. He has shown me again how important I really am to him. I had forgotten how wonderful that feels. If he's prepared to try to forget about my indiscretion with Canada, and strive forward towards a stronger future together, then I must put it behind me and give him my all. He deserves that much.

May I advise any of you that read this, and who have found love via the internet to make haste and meet as soon as it's possible? The longer you leave it, the harder it gets and the easier it is to drift apart. Let's face it, people drift apart even when they're living in the same house....it takes a lot more effort of time and energy to nuture online love...especially if you're both living in different time zones.

Online love can be passionate and all-consuming and have you rushing home from work to get at the PC. It can have you climbing the walls with sexual frustration and you could possibly find yourself on the floor during a particularly steamy chat session *cough*. But I can tell you right now, it's worth it. To feel that strongly and ache that deeply for somebody you've never met?..how is that possible? I know England inside out...I know when something's got under his skin...from him being hacked off at the world, to the warmth he feels when seeing a two year old with rosy cheeks and bright eyes, all wrapped up with woolly hat etc seeing Santa standing before her on a snowy winter's night. When you talk to someone online, you find out what gets under their skin...you find out about the person they are on the inside... what choice do you have? there's no body language to read is there? there's no feeling of superficialness that can happen if you spy someone across a bar when you're out.

I, for one, am not into the bar/club scene, I couldn't bear the thought of having to yell over music trying to get to know somebody. This is a perfect media for me...I can sit here and chat and say whatever the hell I feel like, without any recriminations, no prejudgements, and if I don't like who I'm chatting to, or what I'm hearing, I can easily end the conversation and that works on both sides.

I have a full and interesting life away from the PC, so don't think I'm a desperate divorcee closing herself off from the outside world because she has nothing better to do. Online love can happen when you least it expect it to. I didn't go looking for it, it just happened to fall into my lap...and from hereon in, I'm going to nuture and savour it til kingdom comes! It feels good, in fact it feels bloody fantastic and those that feel it will agree with me, that it's worth the extra effort and time we all put in.

This has become a lengthy epistle. I apologise for my rambling and sometimes nonsensical words but hey, blogs are blogs and I suspect you may have heard/read worse than mine before now.
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