Saturday, January 08, 2005

First Meeting

I haven't been into the room today. Not even in a 'hider' nickname. I spoke to Canada this morning, voice chatting on yahoo. He keeps saying "you need to make the decision, if you want him more than me, then go to him". It breaks my heart that he's forgotten that I have made the decision. He doesn't want to believe it. I spoke to him today because a mutual friend of ours, who I thought I was able to confide in, had been telling him from what she's hearing, that I do indeed love him, that I miss him and she got the impression I want things to go back to the way they were. But more importantly, I spoke to him because I felt it was necessary for me to make him understand how special he was to me, that he was an important person in my life, not someone that I had used for my own benefit and then tossed aside. I couldn't possibly change my mind now. I felt better after I'd spoken to him, in fact, while he was talking to me, I felt that I had made the right decision. Something was missing...I felt it....and it was missing for me....I can't explain it.

I met Canada for the first time at Vancouver International Airport. He flew 6000km so he could spend an extra week with me. I was staying in Vancouver for a week, and then flying onto Ottawa, where I was originally going to stay with him. But he didn't want to waste any time and came to make sure he had as much time as possible with me. I arrived at the Airport to meet him with butterflies and great anticipation. What if we didn't click in reality? What if there was no chemisty? OMG, what if we bored each other stupid and had to pretend all was the same??!

He rang me on his cellphone, he'd arrived a little earlier than expected and was waiting for me near the baggage carousels. I could hear the panic, the fear in his voice. He was just as nervous as I was. When I heard that in his voice, I relaxed...I became calm and strong. I continued to speak to him while I walked through the airport in search of the carousels.

And then I saw him. I stopped talking, stopped walking...he was standing side-on..still talking to me on the phone. I watched and listened to him for about 15 seconds before he realised I'd stopped talking to him. "I can see you" I said quietly. He stopped mid-sentence, looked around and caught sight of me. "I CAN SEE YOU!" I yelled. We both burst into laughter and walked quickly to embrace and kiss each other. Lots of beaming smiles between kissing and hugging. It felt fantastic to hold each other.

The next 6-7 hours we were on a bus (which went on two ferries) to get to our destination of Powell River where we were staying with yet another online friend. After that initial meeting, we were a little awkward with each other. We were travelling with a close friend of mine, and were very conscious about not leaving her out. We really didn't know what to do with each other for a little while. Small talked about flights etc. I suspect that had we been on our own, had I turned up at his door, we would've hugged, kissed and fallen into bed. I also think that was where some of the awkwardness came from...because we weren't alone, we were conscious of watching eyes, yet we were impatient to touch and kiss, explore and whisper to each other.

Initially, we had planned to fly from Vancouver to Powell River. But we decided it would be best to take the bus/ferry, so we had that extra time to get acquainted with being around each other physically. Afterall, we would be sleeping in the same bed that first night, we had to feel right and comfortable about that. It was night time, and dark, and during the bus ride he kissed me....really kissed me....that was it...I relaxed against him and was lost in that kiss. Later on that night, when we all went to bed, I went to him, so easily, so comfortably and so hungry to finally be in his arms.

Anyone that has read my previous posts, will be scratching their heads with confusion about this. Wondering how on earth I could be speaking about Canada in such a way, with such feeling and yet still say goodbye to him. I have written this post once again for Bella. Transported myself back to that time and written as honestly as I can to be sure she can understand my feelings of that first meeting. Reliving this has not been easy under the present circumstances, but I have lots of lovely memories of Canada and I over the months, and even more beautiful ones of us together in person. At this time they are being remembered with sadness and tears for what I've let go, but I will never forget how wonderful things were between us.

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