Sunday, January 16, 2005

Needing Details

Last night England wanted me to tell him about sex with Canada. He actually wanted me to go into detail...right down to the nitty gritty. I told him I'm not sure how doing that would help us move forward. Felt that it would be like driving the knife in deeper for him. But he said it hurt more not knowing...he needed to hear it all, so he could accept it and move on. The logic of that was lost on me. He also made it clear that he didn't want to hear it to get his kicks out of it. It was important to him to know exactly what happened, how it started...he wanted to know, did I enjoy it? was it good? I told him it would be easier if he asked questions and I would give him straight answers...but he said no, he needed to hear it from my perspective, hear it in my own words.

So I started to talk about it...hesitating and faltering all the way....and I bawled like a baby the entire time. He was silent while I typed and I sat here so wanting him to interrupt me...so wanting to stop the flow of words from my keyboard. He knew I was upset and crying and suggested that maybe I should stop...compose myself and come back to it when I felt better. I see my words through tears saying "no, if this is going to help with the healing process, then let's get on with it, I'll only end up in the same state if I have to go through this again". So I continued. I went back in time and relived Canada and I making love, I cried to the point I was unable to see the words I was writing...I cried because I didn't want to hurt England by telling him how good it all felt, how wonderful it was for Canada to touch me...and I cried because I was betraying Canada and the intimacy and love we'd shared.

The rest of the conversation was spent with him asking the same questions we'd been through already....round and round in circles I felt we were going....but I hung in there, because he obviously felt the need to rehash it all and if this was going to help us move on, then I had to deal with it. He was surprisingly calm during the entire conversation...he spoke no words of anger or hurt to me...he just had to know.

Writing the above words has me crying again. I've cried so much of late, I thought I'd run out of tears. I'll come back later and continue with the rest of what we talked about...the conversation did finish on a happier note.

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