Saturday, January 08, 2005

Opening Their Minds

This post is largely for Bella. As you know, I've had an online love for over 5 years now, and yes, I got some weird looks from friends and family about the going's on in my heart and mind. When England and I first met online, it took me all of 3 days to feel the pull contantly towards him. There was something about the way he strung words together, his cutting wit was a twin of mine, he's a strong, powerful personality and soon I could think of nothing else but him. Whenever I saw his name pop up on ICQ, I'd get a warm rush, an adrenalin rush. It felt bloody good and I wasn't going to stop, had to have my fix of him.

For those that don't chat online, they don't understand how such love can happen. They also think that internet people are fruit loops, axe murderers and 13 year old boys out to get their kicks. I, like Bella, was getting fed up trying to explain something others can't comprehend. At the time it seemed there was an awful amount of small minded people in my life. How do I explain to them that the person I hold dearest to my heart is a cold glass screen and a keyboard? that he sits on a desk in the corner of my lounge, waiting for me to push button him into life?

For me, at first, I was astounded I could feel this way. For goodness sakes, I'm saying to myself at the time, you're a 33 year old woman, with your feet planted firmly on the ground, this is crazy, how can you even feel anything for a bloody font?? In the end, I chose not to analyse my new 'weirdness', there seemed no normalness to it. In fact, England and I discussed it at length, once we realised we both felt the same. And oh my god, the euphoria I felt when he said he was feeling that way too. How could it possibly be wrong to feel so good?!

Now, my friends and family accept the fact that no amount of talking to me about this is going to change my mind. They finally accepted that England was a part of my life and that was all there was to it. Being a single mum with two boys, I'm not going to profess I know everything that goes on with the male physique or mind, and England has helped me with various strategies etc when it comes to dealing with the male offspring in my house. He's been there to support me through just about every facet of my life in the past 5 years (ok, some of late have been ordeals, but he's still there isn't he?), and I have given him the strength to deal with adversities to the same extent. That's what friends and lovers do, whether they be sitting on the sofa next to you, or whether you're sitting in a chat screen discussion. Makes no difference.

I'm a strong believer in the saying "our lives are influenced by the people we meet and the books we read". Well shit..look at me, I have that covered on both sides. I met him online, and I read him online. I bought a gold celtic ring, one I wear on my ring finger. It doesn't look like a wedding ring, but to me it acknowledges the fact that I have someone very special in my life, and considering how long he's been there, and the affinity I have with him, I sure as hell am going to acknowledge him, despite the frowns and confusion I see on other's faces.

Do you know....I never even saw a photo of England until the past month? It just wasn't important...I've sent him pics of me and the kids etc over the years, and for him, it just wasn't a priority. He didn't give a hoot what I looked like, and I trusted his description of himself to me. He doesn't have a digital camera nor a scanner, and it just wasn't important. The friends we have, the ones we hang around with most....we're there because of the way they make us feel. It's not about what they look like or what they do for us or us for them (if that makes sense)...we're there hanging with them, because they make us feel good.

People are always amazed when I say my partner, my boyfriend lives in England. That's how I tell them. The most common questions that come up, are about long distance relationships. I say, yes, it can be difficult and frustrating, but we talk every day, whether it be online or via text and we're happy. I know where my man is practically every minute of the day....every minute....whether he's on stage gigging, out in the car delivering something, or about to hop in the shower or bath....how many women can say that about their spouses?

I have been fortunate with Canada. He has been a wonderful strength in my life. We started talking about nothing and everything while we played online backgammon....tournament backgammon...it was fun and I was meeting some lovely people, who I've been lucky enough to meet in real life now. Under the circumstances, I feel like crap mentioning the two loves of my life in the same breath....but for Bella, Canada is probably the one she'd like to hear about more, seeing as I did meet him.

Let me just say Bella....I was always so very comfortable with Canada. We spoke for hours, just as you and Nick do now...on the phone or over voice chat on yahoo (which incidentally is a lot less costly). He had a rather sensitive mike, I could hear him crashing around in the kitchen, turning on taps etc. His mike was so sensitive that I could even hear him fart. He didn't know it at the time though, and I would say to him "wow, you microphone is very sensitive, I can hear everything that goes on, everything" He didn't seem to get what I was saying. and when I stayed with him, he would madly rush off to the washroom to pass wind, not knowing that I was sitting there amused thinking "honey, I've been hearing you do that for at least 6 months now, you don't need to run off elsewhere" Needless to say, after hearing all that, if I felt the need to cough or fart, I'd switch on the mute button on the my headset lol

Yes, there is an initial awkwardness to seeing each other. How can there not be? You look at the man standing in front of you in real life, and you think, "hm, he really doesn't have a screen for a face or any usb ports, this is great! HE'S A REAL LIVE MAN!" Just because you have them in front of you doesn't mean your feelings change and everything you had in the past has disappeared does it? This is what you think...."this is my Nick here....this is MY Nicholas, the one I love, the one that I've shared all those thoughts and feelings and dramas with over the time, he's still the same Nick he was through the PC" and he will be. And the beauty of it all will be, you'll both be able to show each other all that online love physically. Woooo hooooo!! That connection itself will be wonderful, trust me on this.
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