Sunday, January 02, 2005

Rampage

Been one hell of a night. Canada went on a rampage last nght. He went into a mutual room that we've frequented over the past 18 months (on a daily basis) and threw our dirty laundry all through the lobby. He posted intimate pictures of me that I had given him in confidence (as lovers do at times) on his msn, and people were logging in deliberately to take part of my humiliation.

My phone rang several times, starting at 4am this morning and each time I answered it was hung up in my ear. He's pissed...big time. He eventually spoke to me on the last call...forced me into a corner and refused to stop harrassing me unless I told him I didn't love him, that I'd never loved him and that I loved England more. I couldn't say it. After much tooing and froing and a lot of him yelling questions but not allowing me to answer....I said "I do love you, but I love him more"...that's apparently not what he wanted to hear, but he said goodbye and hung up.

The turmoil about choice and what to do about this whole situation has haunted me for several weeks now. It had to be done and I have to be strong about it. If I had any doubt that I'd made the wrong decision, this has only confirmed that I made the right one. I realise he's angry, and fair enough....he has a right to be.

It's a shame that things get to the stage where people become bitter and twisted about life and love in general. There is always fall out caused by such episodes. But as unhappy as I am about hurting him so badly, and as uncertain as I am about my future with England, I have to be true to myself first and foremost...and if I lose England due to any of this, so be it...I have noone to blame but myself. But I have to give it my all to see where it goes. I owe that much to him.

Here's to fresh starts and strength of character...I need both to get through this. 2005 has got to be the year for me, I want to stop deliberating over every last detail of every damn thing that goes on. I need my life back.
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