Monday, January 03, 2005

Random Thoughts

I miss Canada more than he's ever going to believe. Crazy huh? After everything I've been through with him in the past few days. But that's only a reaction to what's happened. If I had decided that I wanted to change my mind, and tried grovelling back with words of love and promises of the future...how could he ever believe anything I said to him anymore?

I can't do that...I have to be strong and follow this through. It certainly is difficult at the moment though. A real rollercoaste of emotions. I'm sure I've done the right thing. It was best for both of them. Unfortunately Canada is a completely innocent party...he did no wrong...never hurt me in any shape or form.

England and I are working through this...he's been incredibly supportive about the Canada thing. Didn't expect him to be that way. Both of them would like to rip each other apart. Stands to reason I guess. And me...what about me? I'm sitting in the middle, looking like the innocent one when I've brought this on both of them.

Don't you find it strange that when one partner cheats on the other....the other partner actually wants to have a go at the other party? shouldn't they immediately want to do something to hurt the cheater? Afterall, they're the one that is supposed to love them. A good friend of mine read somewhere, that the male ego and the competitive fighting spirit of the male is so strong, that should a female actually sleep with two men on the same day (different times), that the sperm from the first man will fight and kill the sperm of the second. Thought that was bizarre and taking the territorial thing a tad far, but hey, apparently it's fact.

My sex drive is gone. Whenever I feel the urge, I lay there, thinking of England (ha ha, ok, not funny)...then start having visions of Canada...well, he's the last person to touch me in such a way. So I end up trying to muster up the sexual feelings I have for England, find I'm continually having flashbacks of Canada...end up feeling like shit and tearful....and give up...the mood's gone.

I need to start setting some goals...things like, losing weight, doing more gardening, getting away from the PC more, spring cleaning, giving up smoking. Feels like a lot really, perhaps I should just chill out here for a bit. I'm in the net revolving door...how DO we make this thing stop??


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