Sunday, January 23, 2005

Will It Never End??

On the dilemma of England and Canada, today has not been a particularly good day really. Last night I decided it was time I could go into the room with my usual nic on...this week I've been going in there more often under different nics, and unfortunately on a couple of occasions I've been assigned to Canada and had to play against him. Like I said, last night I went in under my old nic, thought he'd be asleep at that time of night...not so....he came into the room after I'd been assigned my first opponent and 2 minutes later I received an email from him "so much for not playing in here any more"...that started off a string of emails back and forth between us, that didn't finish til a couple of hours after I got up this morning. So now I have promised him I won't go into that room at all, not ever...a mutual friend of ours reckoned he was ok with things and he would cope with me being there...I should've gone with my gut instinct and not turned up.

Going into that room under different nicknames is crap for me. All the people that I've known for the past year don't know who I am....I've become a stranger in amongst a room that's been a big part of my life for the past 18 months. As Canada would see it, that's a small price to pay compared to what I've dealt him. I largely went back in there to try and contact a good friend of mine, who I met when I was in Vancouver. It's the only way for me to contact her. Anyway, I've now got that sorted out so that I can get hold of her, so there's no need for me to go back in there. But I will continue to use my old nickname and play in other rooms should I feel like it. It's been an odd feeling losing my identity these past few weeks.

On the England good as things are trying to get, and with my imminent trip (god, ages away yet) I am still trying to prove myself to him. Over and over again....just about every weekend, after he's finished gigging, especially on the Saturday night (what is it with Saturdays??), I'm getting text messages that relay anything other than him feeling secure in this relationship. I don't know what else I can do to put his mind at ease and I suspect there isn't much I can do but keep riding this out. He wants me to send him sexy messages, it strokes his ego I guess, makes him know that I want him and only him. So I do that this morning, in time for him to get off stage....and I get a response like "yeah but ya see, last time you did that it wasn't with me". So, here we have the fall-out of my graphic description of me and Canada together.

Am I going to come out of this do you think? Or am I going to end up in a heap on the floor? I've been running myself ragged the past few weeks reassuring England he's the man for me...and going to such lengths to do that too...and trying to make Canada understand that I didn't just use him and toss him aside, that he really did/does mean a lot to me. Right now I feel like telling them both to go onto the motorway and play with the cars.

I guess this is my just desserts being served.
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