Thursday, February 17, 2005

Continental Update

Interesting turn of events today. I spoke to Canada on voice chat…after a whole lot of urging from my best friend…for some reason she’s gone in to bat very strongly for him, even despite what he’d threatened to do with all the information he has about her.

He seems to have settled quite a bit, and last night he approached her and talked to her about the latest nickname he’d seen me in. God only knows how he knew it was me…she was the only person who knew it, and she certainly didn’t tell him. He wanted to let me know that I could use my old nic...that it was wrong of him to expect me to close myself off from my friends on that site and that he’d prefer I didn’t use any other nickname but my usual old one. Very confusing.

Anyway, the bottom line is, we talked...and we talked for a long time...we talked through a lot of what had happened, a lot of what he’d threatened, how he’d scared me with his change of attitude about everything and so on.

This is very confusing to me. I think back to the times we spent together in person and everything else as well, and also the fact that I’ve never felt myself in the same comfort zone as when I’m talking to England. With England, I’ve had to be careful what I’ve said and how I’ve said it….at times, when I’m tired and just basically said what I was thinking or whatever...it’s often turned into a major argument between the two of us. (It wasn’t always like that of course, but it’s been at least a couple of years, so let’s face it, that’s a long time to be worried about what I’m saying.)

I can’t continue to have to keep walking on egg shells like that. I also wonder whether I’m feeling like this because England’s done a runner for the moment. I know he’ll be back, he always is and of course I don’t expect him to be back until his health is in order, I understand that. But do I want to keep going with someone who does most of the talking and giving me English history lessons? (he’s a great historian, loooves all manner of English history). Then when I want to talk to him about anything…could just be about my day or what I’ve been upto…and he’ll tell me that that’s more ‘girl’ talk. So, I shut up and don’t say much and let him type...then he complains that he’s doing all the talking. Bit of a Catch 22 really.

I don’t know what to do....l I know I’m leaning more towards the Canadian airport, than the English one...I know I've thought about Canada more than I've thought about England in the past couple of months.

It became clear, in a fuzzy kinda way...I'm think I'm scared of commitment. How interesting.

Go ahead...feel free to tell me how I’m fucking my mind over yet again.
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