Monday, February 28, 2005

The Final Continental Update

I no longer need to make any decisions about Canada and England. England has taken himself out of the picture. I received an email from him this morning saying that it just wasn’t working for him anymore. Fair enough, how could I dispute that? It wasn’t working for me anymore either. That much is obvious from my talking with Canada again, not to mention the phone call the other night.

I’m not sure how I feel about this right now…not that I have the chance to try making it work of course, but I do know that relief is part of the way I’m feeling. It saves me from having to do it to him. When I think back over the past 5 years, we had a lot of good times in amongst some not very good ones and those are the times that are making me feel weepy today. I am, however wondering why I'm not feeling more upset about it. I was devastated when I said goodbye to Canada last year. Why is life so complicated?? *sigh*

I have spoken to Canada about this already. We talked about it on yahoo voice chat, and before we hooked up, I warned him that he needed to be prepared for how I was feeling and that I was bawling (fuck, yes, I was crying yet again!). He was fantastic about it…he didn’t jump with glee and dance around the fire, but then I never expected him to do that anyway. He understood that I would be feeling sad for times gone by and we spoke about it for awhile and then moved on to another subject to put it aside for the time being.

I will from time to time wonder what England is up to and if he is happy and hopefully healthy. That’s normal. And some day in the future I may even send him an email to let him know how me and the boys are doing, I know he’ll be wondering how life is going for us too.

Canada and I have some things that obviously need working on because of this mess, and over the past week we have been doing a lot of talking about the last couple of months and what’s been going on and our reactions to different things. He was just happy to be talking with me and hearing my voice again. He understood I had a decision to make (although we’d thought I’d already done that) and he was prepared to wait until England came back (from yet another of his sabbaticals) to find out.

We are not officially an ‘item’ but are working in a positive way towards it again and he wants to come to New Zealand to be with me and the boys. He’s aiming for March 2006 (a long time away but enough to strengthen what we have) and he wants to take the kids and I back there for a visit with him. I could go myself again, but financially, taking the boys as well would be a struggle, but he said that if we both have to work harder to get the money together to get the kids there too, then so be it.

If all goes well, he’s prepared to sell up everything he has over there and come and live in New Zealand. Noone’s ever said they’d do that for me. It’s a scary big picture to look at but I’m feeling comfortable about it for now. We’re taking things slowly, step by step.

Everything in good time.
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