The Final Continental Update
I no longer need to make any decisions about Canada and England. England has taken himself out of the picture. I received an email from him this morning saying that it just wasn’t working for him anymore. Fair enough, how could I dispute that? It wasn’t working for me anymore either. That much is obvious from my talking with Canada again, not to mention the phone call the other night.
I’m not sure how I feel about this right now…not that I have the chance to try making it work of course, but I do know that relief is part of the way I’m feeling. It saves me from having to do it to him. When I think back over the past 5 years, we had a lot of good times in amongst some not very good ones and those are the times that are making me feel weepy today. I am, however wondering why I'm not feeling more upset about it. I was devastated when I said goodbye to Canada last year. Why is life so complicated?? *sigh*
I have spoken to Canada about this already. We talked about it on yahoo voice chat, and before we hooked up, I warned him that he needed to be prepared for how I was feeling and that I was bawling (fuck, yes, I was crying yet again!). He was fantastic about it…he didn’t jump with glee and dance around the fire, but then I never expected him to do that anyway. He understood that I would be feeling sad for times gone by and we spoke about it for awhile and then moved on to another subject to put it aside for the time being.
I will from time to time wonder what England is up to and if he is happy and hopefully healthy. That’s normal. And some day in the future I may even send him an email to let him know how me and the boys are doing, I know he’ll be wondering how life is going for us too.
Canada and I have some things that obviously need working on because of this mess, and over the past week we have been doing a lot of talking about the last couple of months and what’s been going on and our reactions to different things. He was just happy to be talking with me and hearing my voice again. He understood I had a decision to make (although we’d thought I’d already done that) and he was prepared to wait until England came back (from yet another of his sabbaticals) to find out.
We are not officially an ‘item’ but are working in a positive way towards it again and he wants to come to New Zealand to be with me and the boys. He’s aiming for March 2006 (a long time away but enough to strengthen what we have) and he wants to take the kids and I back there for a visit with him. I could go myself again, but financially, taking the boys as well would be a struggle, but he said that if we both have to work harder to get the money together to get the kids there too, then so be it.
If all goes well, he’s prepared to sell up everything he has over there and come and live in New Zealand. Noone’s ever said they’d do that for me. It’s a scary big picture to look at but I’m feeling comfortable about it for now. We’re taking things slowly, step by step.
Everything in good time.
I’m not sure how I feel about this right now…not that I have the chance to try making it work of course, but I do know that relief is part of the way I’m feeling. It saves me from having to do it to him. When I think back over the past 5 years, we had a lot of good times in amongst some not very good ones and those are the times that are making me feel weepy today. I am, however wondering why I'm not feeling more upset about it. I was devastated when I said goodbye to Canada last year. Why is life so complicated?? *sigh*
I have spoken to Canada about this already. We talked about it on yahoo voice chat, and before we hooked up, I warned him that he needed to be prepared for how I was feeling and that I was bawling (fuck, yes, I was crying yet again!). He was fantastic about it…he didn’t jump with glee and dance around the fire, but then I never expected him to do that anyway. He understood that I would be feeling sad for times gone by and we spoke about it for awhile and then moved on to another subject to put it aside for the time being.
I will from time to time wonder what England is up to and if he is happy and hopefully healthy. That’s normal. And some day in the future I may even send him an email to let him know how me and the boys are doing, I know he’ll be wondering how life is going for us too.
Canada and I have some things that obviously need working on because of this mess, and over the past week we have been doing a lot of talking about the last couple of months and what’s been going on and our reactions to different things. He was just happy to be talking with me and hearing my voice again. He understood I had a decision to make (although we’d thought I’d already done that) and he was prepared to wait until England came back (from yet another of his sabbaticals) to find out.
We are not officially an ‘item’ but are working in a positive way towards it again and he wants to come to New Zealand to be with me and the boys. He’s aiming for March 2006 (a long time away but enough to strengthen what we have) and he wants to take the kids and I back there for a visit with him. I could go myself again, but financially, taking the boys as well would be a struggle, but he said that if we both have to work harder to get the money together to get the kids there too, then so be it.
If all goes well, he’s prepared to sell up everything he has over there and come and live in New Zealand. Noone’s ever said they’d do that for me. It’s a scary big picture to look at but I’m feeling comfortable about it for now. We’re taking things slowly, step by step.
Everything in good time.
Life sounds confusing for you!!!
ReplyDeleteBut hang on, I thought you gave Canada the flick cos you weren't "in love" with him? Did that change? (gawd, I need to read your archives to catch up, I think).
Oh well, with England out of the picture, life should become less complicated.
But seriously, are there no local guys for you? I had a long distance relationship with my husband (before the internet and email, mind you) for 10 months and that was a killer. I can't imagine 5 years!!
Yes, I'm confused, yes I feel like my head's going to cave in.....I'm so tired of thinking about it all but what has finally become clear to me, is that I hung in there with England because of the past, because of how I used to feel about him, because of the way he used to affect me. There was always some drama going on in his life, something that I needed to support him emotionally about...and when I talked to him about Canada the first time, he pushed more on me...emotional blackmail, I thought I'd got away from when I left my husband. Things weren't the same anymore and the promises he made me never happened, some of the things he said he'd do, he didn't, and as reliable as he could be in just about every other way....I got tired of waiting...and as you've said...5 years?? I feel foolish just saying that out loud.
ReplyDeleteI feel I'm done with flogging a dead horse with England, it's something that should've happened a long time ago, I just never had the guts to do it myself. And it's one of the reasons I encourage anyone that is in an internet love relationship to meet as soon as they possibly can...leaving it too long causes angst and frustration amongst other things.
I don't know what's going to happen with me and Canada, but I'm prepared to put some effort into finding out. What he's offering is too big a picture for me to comprehend right now, and if I look at it in one go, I'm twitching to run out the door...that's the other thing I discovered about myself during all this chaos....the commitment thing scares the crap out of me!
I'm so tired of thinking....beam me up Scottie.
Best of luck on the Canada guy thing. All Canadian men are worth waiting for, hee,hee..
ReplyDeleteI too must read the archives but this Mr Canada does sound rather lovely. He includes your boys in your plans (that one is a huge bonus), and he is making plans which is a fantastic sign. Hope it all works out for you.
ReplyDeleteHaving been through this with a Mr England myself... and having had the offer of someone willing to move country (and having done that too!) to be with me... I have some food for thought...
ReplyDeleteAnd please by no means do I mean to rain on your parade....
You need to be the bonus, not the reason, for him to give everything up to move house, home, country, life.. to another country. If in the sad off chance that it doesn't work out and he gives up everything else, it leaves him with nothing. If it works out (fingers and toes and eyes crossed) then absolutely, all worth it.
When it didn't work out with Mr England and I, I had nothing left. I had sold everything but my house, gave up my job and my life to be with him and came back with nothing. That was nearly 10 yrs ago and I resent having had done that (not regret, resent) with nothing to come back to.
Just food for thought...
Thanks for your thoughts guys. and yes, thanks llCoffee, he really is rather lovely.
ReplyDeleteKirstin, I appreciate your input on this, I've thought about that side of things a fair bit...the last thing I want is for him to move countries, find it doesn't work out and then have nothing to go back to...I'm sure it's crossed his mind too...we're just taking it slowly for now...and they'll be no moving countries in any great hurry...this has to feel right before we get anywhere near that stage. They'll be as many visits as financially possible first and then take it from there. Feel free to give me your thoughts on this anytime, I'm keen to hear from those that have trod this path before me :)