Tuesday, April 12, 2005
14 was suspended from school today. Next week he has to go before the Board of Trustees and give them some good reasons for why they should allow him to remain at that school. The Principal has taken this route because he feels that the school staff can no longer keep 14's manner and temper under control...and by losing that control over one of their students...it can impact on the others.

I sat in the Principal's office today and listened to the Principal read out a list of things my son has done over the past 16 months. He's told one teacher to piss off...called another an arsehole...threw a chair across the room...(there's a couple more to add to this list, but they escape my mind right now)...recently he threatened his math teacher...and yesterday told the Deputy Principal to get stuffed.

Looking back over these 'charges', it seems to me that 14 has only ever taken his anger and frustration out on adults. For the past few years, I've occasionally heard him tell me he doesn't trust adults. This apparently includes his father and myself. He doesn't like being talked about behind his back by anyone. If he knew I was writing about him on here he'd flip.

In some ways I feel the school have been unfair on him. He hasn't physically hurt anybody. There are other students that get into fist fights and who I've heard yell at the teachers....course, I don't know what their repercussions have been if any, but going by today's events, I would say there must've been repercussions.

Should the Board of Trustees decide next Monday night, that 14 is no longer to remain a student at this college, then he will be expelled. "Permanent Exclusion" is the official term. The school counsellor is kindly going to be part of 14's support group at this meeting...as are his father and I. The Principal will be cutting his break short and driving back from way up north to attend these proceedings.

This whole business is weighing on my shoulders like a murder trial verdict. I think I'm pre-menstrual, and over reacting. I cried when the Principal gave his verdict in the office...I cried over the phone to 14's father when I rang to fill him in on what had happened....I cried over the headset to Canada. I'm not sure this has warranted so much crying. I surely must be pre-menstrual.

I need to get to the bottom line as to why my son keeps doing this. Why does he keep rebelling against authority and disrespecting his teachers in such a way. Why is it always adults that he does this to? Is it because he knows they won't/can't strike back? Is it because, God forbid, sometime years ago someone actually did something to him that he refuses to talk about or tell anyone?

I've sat here for the past two hours, messing around the house, moving things from one room to the next...not really being a part of what I'm doing...and thinking that I must've done something to cause this behaviour. What did I do, or didn't do, that has my youngest child acting in such a way? His older brother is so different in comparison. I don't have these problems with him at all. If 15 feels he's been wronged he will stand his ground and discuss with the teacher why...until the matter is resolved...14 doesn't give anyone a chance to even see the mood change in him...he's hit the ceiling before you've blinked.

If I was on that Board of Trustees, I don't know if I'd want to have a student like 14 being part of my son's or daughter's class. How are the rest of the students supposed to continue learning if one of them is disrupting the class in such a way? If he's expelled from this school next week, his father and I will need to find another for him to attend. And any other school in the area doesn't HAVE to take him. They could easily turn him down after viewing his past history. Sending him away to Boarding School would become an option if the local public schools won't have him.

I don't want my son living somewhere else. And what purpose will it serve if he's living out of the house anyway? Until we get to the bottom of this and find out WHY he keeps letting off steam in this way...it's not going to make any difference if he's at a school near home, or somewhere up north is it? I need to find out why this is keeps happening.

I feel exhausted thinking about this. I can't talk about it anymore....I don't want to talk about it anymore...I don't want to talk to anyone right now...I just can't seem to think or say anything about it that doesn't have me dissolving in tears. As his mother, and main caregiver, I am feeling so responsible for this. And although I know it's not about me...and that we need to work on 14 and what's going on in his head...I still feel that perhaps this is something I started. He used to be such a sunny, happy child...always. With 15 being the deep worrier, old man that he's always been....and the problems I was having with their father....at the time, 14 was the one bright ray of sunshine in my life. Then I went ahead and separated from his father. And that's back as far as I can pinpoint his mood swing changes. He was never like this before...NEVER.

I think this is my doing...and for the love of God, I just don't know how I'm going to fix it.
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