Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Blog Venting and Jealousy

Two things I'm going to address today are due to a couple of questions asked by Bella (one from my comments yesterday and the other from her most recent post). One is about how I feel about Walker now reading my blog, and the other is about jealousy.

1. Because Bella has been here with me, since the creation of my blog, she could easily put herself in Walker's shoes and understand the feelings that swept over him when he came upon my blog one day by clicking on 'next blog'. I won't go into the details of that chapter of our relationship...it was fraught with confusion for me, and I had ended my relationship with Walker for all the wrong reasons.

Bella asked me yesterday if Walker reading my blog has changed what I say in it. She realises that it has changed in some ways, but is wanting to know how much, as Nicholas (her man in the US) is now also reading hers.

Yes, it's changed things for me. I don't feel right about blogging any negative thoughts I may have at different times about Walker on here. BUT, this has had a positive effect on my relationship with him...because instead of blogging how I'm feeling, I'm telling him directly instead. Previously, if I was annoyed by something he'd said or done, I would vent about it in here. Now, I tell him personally and we either talk the issue through, or he just accepts that I'm being a bitch (not that he'd EVER say that to me lol) at the time, and we carry on as usual. I couldn't possibly sit here and talk to him like nothing was wrong...and then vent in here and have him read it to find that I'd been feeling that way. I'd even cheat sometimes, and instead of having to repeat some of the hassles of my day to him over the headset, I'd forward him an email of what I had blogged about that day. These are the days when I can't be bothered talking about the hassles, but am happier just blurting them out 'silently' on here. (That was obviously before he discovered my blog.)

I'm well aware that some of you are reading both our blogs. Sometimes, some of you will comment on his blog and not on mine. And to begin with, I would think "Hey, come back here...you're my blogger friend, not his...he can bugger off and get his own lot!" lol Needless to say, I'm well over that now. One thing that did annoy me, was when Walker and I were busy yakking away on Yahoo, and then he'd say something like "Hey, [insert blogger's name] just commented on your post", then proceed to read it out to me. That was infuriating...I like to read my own comments first. But he's aware of this now, so no longer does it. At other times I've asked him to read what my comments say for that day out to me, before I've seen them myself...so the poor guy can't win.

I think that covers the 'venting' thing. And as far as blogging about the hopes or worries of our future together is concerned, this is something we talk about freely...directly with each other. We both have fears of what's in store. There's the "what if this" and "what if that" going on in our heads..but we talk about it...we can't foretell the future...as far as I'M concerned, we make sure that we're both aware of what's going on in each others minds and discuss anything that we feel could be a potential problem. In some ways that could be seen as roasting the chicken before the egg's actually hatched, but it works for me. As time's gone on, the "what if" stuff has become less of a 'problem' for me...I'm feeling settled...just damn keen to be in the same room with the man....have the chance to grab him...chuck him down...and...oh, scrap that...wrong post.

2. Now onto the jealousy issue. Being so far away from each other and the fact that we are not trapped in boxes and shut off from the rest of the world...then obviously we have contact with lots of other people of both genders. The jealousy that I feel is more about the fact that the women that he may hug and kiss 'hello' or whatever, have the privilege of being in such close proximity to him...and I am way over here not able to touch him at all. That part sucks big time. The biggest issue for me, regarding his recent house guest, was the overwhelming feeling of jealousy, that she was there and I wasn't. Not that he may want or love her more than me. He's proven to me time and time again that I'm the one for him. I have no need to feel insecure. I will admit that I don't like it when I hear about ex girlfriends in a sexual sense, but I accept that. Sometimes I shoot myself in the foot because I ask out of curiosity....I want to know some of what he's done with other women. Then he tells me...and I squirm about it....say something flippant like "sounds a bit sordid to me" or something similar. By that stage I realise I've just cut my nose off to spite my face. Other times I like hearing about it....'like' may be a bit strong...but curiosity and the want to do something for him that he's enjoyed from someone else is important to me. I want to know everything and anything about his wants and needs, only now it's going to be ME that is giving him that pleasure.

Jealousy, I feel, is something that you need to get your head around. I think we all need to accept that it goes part and parcel with any relationship, there are certainly going to be times when it can rear it's ugly head. But it's important that you get it into some perspective...it can be a nasty destroying feeling that can rip the heart out of an otherwise strong relationship. Talking it through and both partners accepting and understanding these insecure outbursts from each other makes all the difference.

I don't have a problem with women hitting on my man...why wouldn't they?...he's worth the hit. Like I said earlier, I feel secure enough to know he won't follow it through. Why would he? he loves me to pieces. I'm sure he knows that if he did...I would brutually injure every part of his body with great precision, when he gets over here in December anyway lol.

I could go on and on about these two particular subjects. OMG, I just did, didn't I?
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