Wednesday, April 13, 2005

On Second Thought...

This morning I feel differently about yesterday, thanks to your comments and Walker's post for today.

Last night while I was at work, and as I was thinking about the post I made earlier in the day, I was embarrassed about how dramatic I became on this issue.

Today I feel stronger and ready to handle the situation. Yesterday I was a crying, vulnerable mess of a woman. I hate feeling vulnerable and insecure...and most of all I hate doubting my ability to raise my children. Fuck it, I'm a damn good mother. I've done the best I can under any given situation over the years. And Kurt you're ex-husband and I were in an unhappy marriage...and once I'd spoken to him about separation and he moved out of the house...there was a noticeable sigh of relief from everyone, that it was over. Prior to that the tension was incredible. I was hoping that my kids were old enough by then to understand once I'd explained the situation to them.

I know there are always going to be ups and downs as my children find their feet and spread their wings in this world.

I think that maybe the reason I fell off the edge of "happy happy joy joy" motherhood yesterday is because I couldn't control what happened or what's going to happen. Someone else is now making a decision for what's going to happen to 14 as far as his education is concerned, and I don't like it one bit I don't have a lot of say in that decision at all, and it sucks. I do however get the opportunity to fight for what 14 wants, for what I want...and I know his father will do the same.

Whatever the outcome, we'll cope with it. We've coped with pitfalls before, not to the same extent, but we always do. We have no choice but to deal with circumstances that arise.

Thank you all so much for your kind words of encouragement and support regarding yesterday's post. I apologise for being such a snivelling, unravelled being and should there ever be a next time, which I'm sure there's going to be at some stage on this rocky road of motherhood...perhaps I should just throw myself on the bed and scream into the pillow instead.

Soooo, today I'm feeling ready to continue supporting my son by digging my cleats in, raising my shoulder and meeting the school Board for a head on collision at home plate.
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