Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Drill Me Baby!

I had to make a trip to the dentist this morning. Eeeeekk! Ok, I wasn't that concerned or I wouldn't have made the trip so easily...they would've had to drag me kicking and screaming in there, jaw clamped shut.

Yesterday, during my morning tea break (such as it is at the moment), I dashed around the corner to the cafe and got my ever present hot frothy coffee. Being as it was a few hours since I'd eaten breakfast and we all know that I can't go 1 hour without food, let alone 3...I grabbed a breadstick to munch on...something to fill that hole until I had the opportunity to get something more substantial in me. While I'm chewing away on this bread I noticed a distinct crunchiness that's not usually expected with breadsticks.

Whizz back 15 years.....I'm pregnant with, you guessed it, 15....one of my back molars starts to disintergrate....losing a quarter of itself. That's ok, no big deal...no hurty stuff was happening. A year later I'm pregnant again...you guessed it, with 14 this time...(man, you guys are so good at this guessing game!)....my molar going out in sympathy for my uterus, loses another quarter of itself. Thus I had half a molar left. Having half a tooth not being the ideal, I finally truck along to the dentist, who charges me over $500 to get a root canal. Oh yay. Anyway, that's the last time I went to the dentist. Over 14 years ago. Yes, yes I can hear you.

Now we have to go further back in my life.

Whizz back 30 years (holy shit, that's a lotta years!)....I grew up alongside a river bank as a kid and this temptation being so close to home, my siblings and I were often over the bank and in the river itself...wooo hooo! those were good days (besides almost drowning that one time, but hey, I'm still alive, so we can celebrate.) One day I'm in the river, doing a fish impression by slipping under the water and *crack*....I come up doing a sissy impression...I'd just bashed my mouth on an invisible rock, leaving half of one of my front teeth below. My mother freaked out...dragged me immediately to the local dentist and I was given a white filling to build my broken smile back together.

30 years later that filling finally dropped off while I was chewing on a soft breadstick, got crunched up by my molars and disappeared down my throat...to one day soon be exiting my butt.

And THAT is why I went to the dentist this morning. You can't have a receptionist smiling at you when she only has half a front tooth showing. That's just downright fugly right?? Right.

So I lay back in the chair before all the fun begins and try explaining myself away...why I hadn't been to the dentist in 14 years (how I thought that was possible is beyond me)....and what's been happening to them during this inordinate absence...what I've been doing to abuse them etc. Considering I'd finally managed to drag myself there I felt I should have a complete overhaul toothy-wise and allowed her to take xrays to find the extent of the damage.

She numbed my gum with solution....stuck a needle in it to 'deaden' the remainder of the tooth (this resulted in a bulge above my top lip, and the numbing of my left nostril, which is making me continually sniff now, I feel like stuff is exiting that orifice, eeww). I had tubes stuffed in my mouth...one that blew cold air...another that sprayed water, and yet another to vacuum out the saliva so I wouldn't continue to drool over the dentist (well, she was a very attractive woman, I am nothing if not human). All the while tubes were spraying and sucking and blowing, there was a drill buzzing and grinding and a mirror tool thingy turning this way and that. How the fuck all these things managed to fit inside my mouth at one time was nothing short of amazing to me (you can all shut up, I already know I have a big mouth thankyouverymuch).

While I lay there staring at her and wondering how long her beautiful eyelashes were, she filed down that dirty great molar...the root canal fell out almost 2 years ago and left a rather sharp piece jutting out (yes yes I KNOW!). (Yay Honey!, now I don't have to worry about that ripping you to pieces next time I...oh never mind.)

She studied the xrays before I left and I heard the most exciting news of the visit. After all these years, I have no cavities whatsoever! I have been blessed with beautifully strong resilient toothy pegs...yes I have....I reckon I could chuck a grenade in there, close my mouth and blow my eyeballs out...BUT, my teeth would still be intact. I can see them all now, lined up side by side, swaying to the music of "Smile, And The Whole World Smiles With You", singing along in celebration at surviving the impact. Thank you lovely dentist lady....my smile is now back to how it should be.

Besides those two rebellious teeth in my mouth, the rest of them ROCK!!
See? Come closer, I want you to get a better look. *Big cheesy grin* See? Told ya.
| (0)Blogger

<< Home