Wednesday, May 11, 2005

MPEMG Plus

Years ago I used to have a reocurring dream that I had gone to the local store with the baby, and then walked home, leaving the stroller and baby behind...still waiting outside the shop. I would wake up in a sweat, get up and check the bedrooms to be sure both children were present and accounted for.

These days, there are often times when I wished I'd left a baby or two behind. Those are the days that I struggle to come to terms with motherhood, the days when I think how free I'd feel without the extra burden of two teenagers...and the days I find they're particularly difficult to deal with. On those days I wish I could gag them....stick a sock in their gobs, render them speechless...just see their mouths moving but no sound coming out to injure my ears and worse yet, make me have to think hard to answer their more difficult questions about life in general.

Late last year, my oldest son turned 15...."Wooo hooo" he's thinking..."time I learnt to drive". "Holy shit, I don't want my baby to dieeeeeeeeee!" is what I'm thinking. That's known in my household as MPEMG...'Mothers Paranoia Extreme Mode..GO!'. This happens when my mind works overtime. Leaping to horrible conclusions such as my innocent son stalking the streets in a motor vehicle.

I, in my wisdom of not wanting to argue or freak out or deafen my son with screams from the passenger seat, handed the job of 'Driving Instructor' over to my ex-husband. Afterall, I felt this was more of a male thing and Dad should step up to the plate and do said duty, especially if he wanted to keep the harmony (?) of my household continuing.

15 comes to me, the week prior to him taking the road.

15: "Mum, I'd like to go and sit the written exam for my driver's license, all my friends are going to do it"
I knew it would happen eventually, but my heart leaped anyway
Me: "When?"
15: "On Friday"
Me: "But it's Wednesday today!...do you even have a copy of the road code?"
15: "Yeah, Fred's given me his for the night"
Me: "For the night?? That only gives you two nights to study for it! I'm not underestimating your intelligence level here, but I'm not keen to pay $80 knowing there's a possibility you could fail and I'd have to pay again"
15: "But...but...but"
Me: "No 'buts' about it, two days is not enough to satisfy me, you'll have to wait until next week".

This started off a 'debate'.

15: "You don't trust my intelligence....You don't believe I can do it....That's so unfair, ALL my friends are sitting the exam on that day..."

Yaada yaada yaada...until....

Me: "I'm the authority in this household and if I say no, that means NO. The answer is not going to change, GOT IT??!

15: *stomp, stomp, stomp....SLAM!*

3 days later, I'm attempting a family 'warm fuzzy' and we attend "Carols by Candelight", which is a fabulous carol singing and rock concert thingy held at the stadium. Was a great night, I thoroughly enjoyed it. I allowed 14 to bring his girlfriend along...made my best not to freak out at the hand holding and cuddling that was going on...in fact I tried to avoid looking in their direction at all, I didn't want them thinking I was continually watching...15 met up with a few of his mates, and they sat about 20 feet away from me and my friends.

My girlfriend and I are looking at the various cameras and equipment etc that are being set up on stage (we were super early to get a spot right in front of the stage)...anyway, the next thing I know....my vision is being broadcast over the absolutely MASSIVE stadium screen! I see my facial expressions changing with the speed of light....laughing and smiling, then horrified, I see myself blush...then I'm waving out, trying to say "Nooooooooo" to the cameraman.....who had obviously decided I was his prey.....Then I did the famous "throat cut' hand movement....followed up with a 'talk to the hand' gesture....I could see the camerman laughing (bastard!)...eventually my image left the screen. My 15 seconds of fame were over. I looked towards where 15 was sitting and see him pointing and glaring at me...I wave at him half-heartedly "oh great, something else for him to hold against me at the moment". *sigh*

This is getting awfully long I know, but hang with me, I'm almost a quarter of the way through (hahaha, scared ya didn't I?). Nah, about half way through now.

The concert was fantastic...picnic dinner with friendly company, both my kids nearby...what's not to like?....the evening was a success. As people were leaving and I was busy clearing up rubbish and folding blankets etc, 15 comes over to me....his face like thunder. He's shitty as hell and refuses to answer my "What's happened?"....storms his way through people to get out of the stadium. "Oh for fucks sake, it was only 15 seconds!" I mutter to myself.

Back in the car, he spits it out. Let me just say that 15 is above average in height...not really tall, but about 6 feet...and some twit older than him kept shoving into him from behind...15 says he moved a few times to get out of this guy's way, but the idiot kept doing it....he turned around to glare at him, then turned back to watch the concert....next thing you know the guy is putting tomato sauce through 15s hair...15 turned around to face him....the guy shoves him....15 shoves him back....the guy shoves 15 again (*yawn*)....before you know it, 15 has curled his hand into a fist and smacked the guy in the face....guy hits the ground...15's friend turns around just in time to see this and exclaims "Yeah!"....guy stays on the ground unmoving...friend utters "oh".....guy then springs up and runs off into the crowd.

(I don't encourage violence at all...in fact I shrink from it big time...but under these circumstances I was not only surprised at his reaction but also proud of my son for not taking any shit from this stranger...he'd tried to avoid it for as long as possible....I'm not happy about him hitting him, but considering this is the first time he'd struck anyone, and the scenario involved, I'll live with it).

15: "If you hadn't pissed me off about the driver's license thing I would've been sitting with you, and none of that would've happened! It's all your fault!"
(I chose not to bring up the fact that his friends were there and that I'm sure regardless of the circumstances he would've decided to sit with them and not me anyway)
Me: "Please don't swear when you're talking to me"

I drove home singing to myself, pretending we were one joyous family and that 14 wasn't getting too close to his girlfriend in the back seat. Deny...Deny...DENY!
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