Thursday, August 11, 2005

The Noise of the Dance

I have a problem. It's been hanging over my head for a while now, and I must do something about it before the end of December.

The problem? My bed.

Now, don't get me wrong, I love my bed. My bed is made up of 3 main pieces...the headboard, the baseboard and the bit that joins them together in the middle. It's a slat bed and the wood is Rimu (that's natural new zealand timber people). It's a little higher off the ground than the norm, thus I can fit all manner of boxes and junk beneath it. Occasionally I pull these boxes out from under it, have a look through them...thinking "Ooh, so that's where you've been all this time" and "Why the hell am I still holding onto this?" and more often than not I shove them back under, thinking..."I'll deal with that some other time". Anyone else have stuff under their bed like this?

When I'm in my bed alone, everything's great (well, it's not, but you know what I mean). I don't move the bed around much at all by myself. It may creak a little under the strain of me getting into it each night, but other than that, it's a silent bed.

That is, until I try to move it. I mean, until I add another body to the bed and we both move it...together. That's when the problem begins. That's when the neighbours wonder what the hell is going on. That's when the children come rushing to my room to make sure noone's maiming their mother. (As thrilled as I am at their devotion to my safety, this is not a good time.)

The noise is defeaning. It's not like an embarrassing "squeak squeak squeak" noise....although it's definitely a squeak of sorts. But it's more of a loud squawking. Everytime the bed is in motion, the squawk is ringing out to ricochet it's echo off the bedroom walls, down the hall to the kids rooms and out into the street. There's no way I'm able to do the 'hokey tokey' without my neighbours knowing.'s distracting...oh so incredibly those in the bed moving it. So distracting, it can stop the ramba mid-dance...the occupants of the bed desperately trying to find a way to continue dancing minus the hideous noise.

When we were in Powell River, Vancouver...(and I don't need to elaborate on who WE are right? you should all know by now)....that first night, once we realised the headboard was not going to play fair, even after stuffing a pillow behind the most troublesome area...we found that sideways across the bed, was best for noise control. Course then we had to work on shutting me the hell up, but oh well, least I sounded more interesting.

Although hanging off the side of the bed adds to the excitement of the tango, it's not where i want to be for the rest of my dancing days. My head hanging off the bed like that can feel amazing. Yep, it's damned good...especially for the kinda pushes all the other dancing stuff up and an instant bodylift. But...what about all the blood rushing to my head? or is it not rushing to my head while I'm dancing like that? Is it rushing to all the other bits that are taking part in the body salsa? Am I not increasing my chances of brain aneurism if this is the one and only position that's available to me and my partner?

Course, there's always the option of me taking the lead, but we still have to be across the bed, thus increasing the possibility of similar fears for my booty baby right? *sigh*

ANYWAY...each corner of my bed is held together with a piece of dowl. like a kitset bookshelf (fuck sake....I wouldn't screw on a bookcase, who the hell thought up using the same technique for a dang bed??!). Four pieces of dowl from the corner of the bed base, to be shoved into each corner (leg) of the headboard and baseboard. There's 6 screws altogether...allen screws....the 4 corners and the middle of top and bottom boards. That's it. 6 screws holding my bed together.

The top left piece of dowl and screw are what makes up the problem. This one piece of dowl is moving back and forth inside it's confines (omg, that's kinda like mirroring what's going on during the dance...why that filthy piece of shitty dowl!..oh, I digress). I have unscrewed it to have a look and tightened it as much as I can...poked around trying to fit it back in differently...oiled it....and wet it (hoping for expansion, sounds dumb but I was getting desperate). I have even taken the hammer and tried 'knocking' it into submission. It's made no difference.

Mentally, I have grabbed my imaginery sledgehammer and smashed the entire bed to pieces, all the while sobbing with frustration.

Getting a new bed is not an option at this time, so I put this out there to you brilliant DIY people to help me solve this. Do I have to continue worrying about where the blood is rushing around while we're rocking and rolling? Are we going to crash to the floor as the Pasa Doble is about to reach it's thundering passionate climax??

I beg of you. Please help. Over to you Mr Haney.
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