Wednesday, August 03, 2005

They said what??!

Listening to the radio again this morning on my way home from dropping off the boys (both looking and feeling much better, walking upright, no squinting from Ryan, no rushing to the loo by Cameron....Eureka! *pins mummy badge back on*)...they were discussing things that men find appalling about us women.

Apparently there are four things in particular.

1. We gossip.
2. We take a perverse pleasure in criticising our friends behind their backs.
3. We're needy.
4. We let ourselves go.

Today class, I'm going to address this list of appallingness.

1. We gossip. Righty ho...yes we can indeed be known to gossip...but this is like the pot calling the kettle black don't ya think?...I worked several years for a construction firm...an all man workforce in my office at the time. If anyone is going to try and tell me that men don't gossip, I'll be the first to stand up and wave the "Bullshit!" flag. I've heard them going on about who's doing who and did you see how bad such n such looked the other night...and "My God, who the hell is dressing Fred these days??"

2. We take a perverse pleasure in ciriticising our friends behind their backs. Ok, I don't take a perverse pleasure in it (I don't think) but the majority of the time, and that's a BIG majority, there isn't really much I won't say about my friends, that I won't tell them to their faces. I can be nasty about people I don't know for sure....let's face it...we all know that any gorgeous, leggy, big titted female, that has the male population drooling over themselves are actually skanks...that's right....they're skanks that haven't discovered there are other things to wear out in public these days, besides a teeny weeny hankerchief. What's more they all have gingervitis and need to have their backs waxed on a regular basis. How many of you out there have NEVER heard a male make a derrogatory remark of some sort about his wife?....laughing with each other about it. Ho ho fucken ho. I overhead my ex-husband saying to his mates one time "My wife has every excuse in the book why we shouldn't have sex...it's too light...it's too dark....it's too cold....it's too hot...I'm too tired"...blah blah fucken blah. I walked over and interrupted "You forgot to mention the real reason"....."Oh? and what's that?"......"You're too ugly".

3. We're needy. WE'RE needy?? Who the hell was that clinging to my leg last time I looked? What's that? That wasn't you licking my leg? That wasn't you wimpering because I chose to visit my sick aunt in hospital instead of running around all day and night at your beck and call? That's not you sitting around waiting for us to feed you?? That's not you feeling parched cos your peripheral vision sucks and you can't find your way to the fridge to get a beer?? Fuck off. I've better things to do with my life than hang around waiting for you to take a crap, so I can wipe your hairy arse. We WANT you...oh yes indeedy....we WANT you. But NEED you? I'd rather drive a pitchfork up my nose before i said that I wasn't capable of coping on my own. I don't need you to prop my pathetic carcass up. I am woman, hear me ROAR!

4. We let ourselves go. Hmm...who am I to argue with this one? Have I not stacked on weight over the years? Am I not now wearing baggy flannelette pjs that cover my swollen body from head to toe? What can I say?...it's a life of hard knocks. I've just spent years watching you cock your leg and fart proudly in public, you laughing loudly because you think it so funny. My tits have lost their battle with gravity because I've spent months breastfeeding children that are the result of your drunken demands for sex. My arse has spread from one side of the sofa to the other because you've turned into a cheap shithead and don't take me out dancing anymore. My eyes have bags under them due to lack of sleep after tossing and turning all night because your snoring is shaking the whole damn house. Yeah, I guess I have let myself go. By the way, that extra tyre around your middle just appeared overnight to attach itself to your intestines right? May I just say that it would put an 18 wheeler's spare to shame...good for you hun. Those nose hairs that have been known to poke me in the eye from across the other side of the room are pretty impressive...bravo. Oh, I do so love your dress sense these days....those colourful socks suit those sandals perfectly....they bring out the lovely bloodshot colour in your eyes.

Right class, that brings today's lesson to an end. Now where's me apple?

Disclaimer: The author of this post takes no responsibility for pissing off the male species on this planet. She only wants to bring to light the fact that we're actually just as special as each other.
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