Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Womens 'Bits'

This morning on the radio, the DJs were discussing cervical smears. Polly has to go to have one at midday today, and the for the past couple of days they've been discussing this issue off and on. Polly's decided that she's going to have a microphone in the surgery while she has her smear today.

Then this morning she receives an email from her Boss. He said that she needs to remember that between the hours of 8 and 8.30am in particular, that there are a lot of families listening in. He went onto say he wasn't feeling too comfortable about her having a microphone present and what did she think about doing a 'mock up' of it instead?

Polly's pissed about this. One of the reasons she's been discussing this on air is because cervical cancer is increasing. It's an important issue for us women, and for a man, any man, to feel uncomfortable about her discussing it hacks her off. So what if he feels uncomfortable?? How the hell does he think WE feel about it? We're the ones laying on the beds with our legs open.

Cervical cancer is a very scary and real fact. It's necessary for us to look after ourselves and keep all those bits trucking along in the most normal way possible. By having smear tests, it allows us to know if anything needs medical attention...and if not, it gives us peace of mind that we're doing ok for now.

I'm due for a smear...in fact I was due 6 months ago, and like the idiot that I am, I've been putting it off. When I switched doctors years ago, I transferred to Dr Tim. Prior to that Dr Martin was the only one I was 'comfortable' with seeing me from that angle (besides my husband). So when I transferred, I would always go to one of the female doctors to have my exam. I told Dr Tim that I would eventually get up the bravado to have him perform it, but for now, I just wasn't ready to drop my pants for him. He's a fabulous doc and we all love him to pieces...but I'm still not ready, so I continue to go to the female doctor.

The anticipation of the examination is far worse than the procedure itself. The whole thing is over in a matter of minutes. The build up to it can put pressure on us to shower several times that day and despair anytime we go to the toilet, because we feel that means we're going to have to shower all over again. I mean, what if there's a piece of toilet paper stuck there that we've missed?!

Here's part of my converation with Dr Martin the last time he did my cervical smear:

Doc: "Just relax"
Me: "Yeah right, thats easy for you to say"
Doc: "Try and think about somewhere else you'd like to be"
Me: "Anywhere but here"
Doc: "Think of a sunny beach with swaying palm trees or something"
Me: "I'd rather be in a dungeon with sewer rats running around me, than be here."
Doc: *exasperated* "You know? you're going to give me a complex about this."
Me: "You know you could warm up the bloody instrument before you did that!"
Doc: *sigh*

The other thing we have to think about is where do we put our discarded panties while this is taking place? This bugged me for years....despite the fact that I was about to let the doc see my most private parts, I didn't need for him to see what I housed them in. Who out there hasn't worn their best underwear to the see the doc on that day huh?? (You men can hush up, you know I wasn't asking you lol.) Come on, you all know we take our knickers into consideration for this exam too. Anyway, I finally found somewhere to put mine...and that's under the pillow my head rests on. They're hidden away...doc doesn't see them, and that makes me happy. There are just some things they don't need to know about I reckon.

I know some men are extremely uncomfortable just at the mention of words such as ovaries, fallopian tubes or cervical smear etc. It can actually cause them to shudder.

How about you lie down and let us shove a cold speculum up ya bum? Then we'll 'wind' it open, so we can have a really good look. We'll take a little stick and poke it around in there, scraping the walls etc, place the stick in a skinny wee tube and send it off to the lab for diagnosis.

Course, there's no need to wait for the lab results to come back. Those that feel so very icky when hearing about womens parts...or those that refuse to listen to what their partners go through and have even been known to leave the room...are full of crap anyway.

You know what I think? If those that are unhappy about hearing such words still want to play around with our bits down there, then just bloody suck it up and deal with it.
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