Friday, October 28, 2005

Ouch!...What A Tangled Web We Weave

Today's post is about...well...I don't know. Ya see, I'm sitting here trying to come up with something interesting for you to read.

I'm thinking sex.

Sex sells.

Sex draws in the readers....maybe not for commenting though, because as we all know, there are SO many people out there that like to look at sex and read about sex, but would not like anyone else to know they're looking at or reading about sex.

We know who you are.

Well, ok, we don't, and that's the whole point isn't it?...but we know you're out there...the cyber world is abundant with saucy trollops and drooling stud muffins aplenty.

I believe I've just said the word sex so many times, that should get me several million hits from google, msn and yahoo search engines.

Sex is something I've been without for a while now. It's something that I can take or leave at times....other times (especially like first thing every morning), I can be climbing the walls and wanting to rip my toenails out, for lack of it.

Now because it's been such a long time, I've almost forgotten what it could be like to have sex in the physical world. As much as phone sex rocks (and trust me, it does)...going through the physical motions of some of what's said during those sessions could have me concerned I'm gonna dislocate a limb. Let's take a few examples (not necessarily ones that have been uttered during the last couple of years, but let's just say, I've heard 'em at some stage).

"I'm going to push your ankles back behind your head and...."

um, hello?...I'm not as flexible and slim as I used to be...I just know I'm going to launch a fresh hernia through the walls of my intestine with this one. And the view from the most obvious end? Well...holy puckering arsehole Batman!

"We're in the car, I'm driving....I want you to remove your panties, move across to my lap and mount yourself on my...."

Ok, there are a couple of objections I have to this one...object number 1 - the steering wheel...unless we are both the same width as Twiggy, I can't see this happening without an interesting bruise coming up the following day...across the back of the mounter. Object number two...who's watching where we're going? I don't have a glass chest....are you going to spend your time trying to see around me? What happens if there's a horrific accident? The airbag deploys...my body is smashed up even harder against yours...and...well...we're fucked in a way we never imagined.

"I'm going to *bleep* you so hard, I'm going to *bleep* you through the wall..."

Excuse me?...I just might happen to like that wall there...it stops my son from seeing what his mother is up to...my house is in disrepair enough as it is without adding a giant sized hole in the wall thankyouverymuch. I also believe that should you "bleep" me through the wall as strongly as you say it...my brain goo and skull fragments are going to kiss your chest as the wall is inserting itself through the top of my head.

And don't even get me started on the "torrid sex on the beach" scenario. As romantic and passionate as it sounds, I'm adverse to all that sand getting into all those...er...nooks and crannies. And don't be telling me that you can lay down a blanket to avoid that...sand gets in everywhere regardless. We could be having sex vacuum packed in saran wrap and sand would STILL get in there somehow. You know I'm right!

Now, feast your eyes upon this...



...isn't it gorgeous? Just because I can't get into this position myself, does not mean I can't appreciate the beauty of such artistic nakedness.

Anyway, that's enough for today, I need to get my (so far) sexually uninjured body to work.

I need to earn some extra money...to reinforce my bedroom walls....and to pay for some yoga lessons.

***

UPDATE: My new niece's name is Laila, or Lila...I have no idea how to spell it, but it's pronounced Lie-la. Still don't have any further information besides that. They're still working on a middle name (possibly arguining) about it.

This is going to be my post for the weekend I think. It's been a while since I had the chance to comment on some of what you've written, so I'm going to take the opportunity to not post, and just spend the weekend, off and on, catching up with you all.
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