Friday, February 24, 2006

Hidden Thoughts

Finding a subject to write about these days is a toughie for me. I don't feel I can spew forth on these pages so much like I used to. Maybe that will come back to me at some stage....soon I hope. I feel stifled....frustrated that I can't express how I feel and what I'm thinking.

Oh, probably better I tell you now that I've been drinking. Not a lot...but it doesn't take much for me to loosen up in just about every way when I've got alcohol in my blood stream.

I know some of you must be wanting to know...curious, maybe....to hear more about how things were when Walker was here, and there are a lot of things I'd like to talk about that relate to that time. I'm talking about the positive things, not the negative stuff.

Yet, how can I write about the good things that we did and some of the good feelings I had...when we're now in the position we're in because of me? When I think back a few weeks, I cringe at the person I became. I hate that I was such a difficult cow to live with. I hate that I treated someone, who has always been so wonderful and loving towards me, like he was less than a friend. I suspect he could have been thinking he didn't really know me as much as he thought he did.

To some of you that read me regularly, it would seem like I've wiped the slate clean, like he doesn't exist for me anymore....his name has all but disappeared from my writing...thus he must've disappeared from my thoughts. That's deliberate of course...and not out of character for me I'm afraid. When I don't want to deal with things, I pretend. Pretend that everything is amazing and all is ok with my world regardless.

Well, I'm here to tell you, in my Bailey's induced condition...that it's not. I miss him...I miss sharing things that have happened in my life with him and I miss his friendship and chats on the headset. I know it's almost pointless saying this really, because it won't make a difference to the end result. But, I'm not made of stone and I am hurting that it's over, despite my temperament as those 6 weeks unfolded.

A good male friend rang me late last night, I haven't spoken to him for a couple of months now and he wanted to catch up and ask how everything had gone. I filled him in as much as I could. Halfway through my monologue he interrupted me. I was in the middle of saying "I hope he doesn't feel it wasn all bad...he came over and got to see part of an awesome country..."

"...And an awesome woman. Stop knocking yourself about this, Lisa. You're an awesome lady, you've always been an awesome lady and and you always will be an awesome lady." I ended up in tears after hearing that.

"You don't understand, I was anything but awesome...and I see the fallout of it all over the place. I see it in his writing, I see it in his comments...he's unhappy, he's angry...I caused that...that's my fault."

He must hate me. The possibility of that makes me feel sick inside. I hate that I've hurt him. I hate that part the most. I'd be kidding myself if I thought he'd ever get to the stage where he'd feel comfortable talking to me on a different level at some stage.

I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm just doing something, in all likelihood, that I would've done a couple of weeks ago if I wasn't too busy sucking it up and avoiding thinking about it. It's part of my defense mechanism. Charge on head first like a bull in a china shop...noone's gonna notice right? Yeah, right.

Even though I know it was for the best...doesn't mean it's not friggin' difficult to say goodbye to someone who's been so close and special to you for such a length of time. It's like...like...like having slipped with the chainsaw and cut both your arms off...to find your house is burning to the ground behind you...and there's a hose on the ground beside you...you have the means to save it, but there's nothing you can do. Ok, that's piss-talk now...skip that bit.

I think I've said a lot more than i ever intended to when I started this post. I can still ramble pretty well with the best of them l suppose. Ha ha MrHaney, I'm giving you a run for ya money tonight aren't I? DOES SPEAKONIA YELL AT YOU IF WE TYPE IN CAPITALS??!

*sigh*

Well, look at that, I guess I spewed forth afterall. What a downer. Sorry.
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