Tuesday, February 28, 2006
I have no motivation to do anything.....I started off with a hiss and a roar, emptying out cupboards, clearing out wardrobes etc...and then I stopped. I don't want to do anything....I'm lacking in complete and utter 'anything-ness'.

I don't want to go to work - yet I love my job.

I prefer to lay on the bed and stare at the ceiling all day.

I don't want to do any housework - not unusual, I hate the stuff...but I don't usually let it drop behind like it has recently. There's a pile of clothes on the floor of the laundry...there are dishes stacked up along the sink (and I have a dishwasher). The only washing I did last weekend was the boys school uniforms.

I worry constantly about my blood pressure - I've been on medication to stabalise it, have been for about 3 years and the tablets have been working great...til recently. The doctor said that I was to get it checked again in two weeks time....I'm overdue. All I have to do is hold my arm out to one of the nurses at work. But I don't want to find out what it is.

So I lay in bed at night hearing my heart pounding in my ears and wondering how high my numbers are instead. Paranoia's taking over my world.

My new tenants appear to be taking advantage of me and paying me rent when and if they feel like it. I need to sort out that shit and sort it out fast...I rely on that money and budget my fortnight up to it. When it doesn't turn up on the day expected, I'm screwed.

I can't eat properly....anytime I think about food my throat constricts.

I feel like crying all the time and it exhausts me by holding it back instead of letting it out.

I now have the added worry that people I thought were my friends think nasty things about me. That I am reckless with other peoples feelings, playing with others emotions...that I never had the guts to be honest etc. It's astonished me how people can be so judgemental of others when they've only heard one side of the story.

On the other side of the coin, I have respectful and understanding friends out there also...and your love and support has meant the world to me.

I don't feel that I can write anything about my values or principles on here, for fear that someone will pop up and sarcastly comment "Yeah right". I never thought I cared so much about what others thought, but it's been eating me up inside. Besides publicly knocking myself on here I've not been disrespectful to anyone. I kept my mouth shut and thought it best to try to forget the negatives.

But I can't.

I never thought I'd say this out loud....but I do believe I could be depressed. Me and depression...never thought it possible. For the way things work out...for the way they don't work out...for the hurt I've caused others...and the hurt others have caused me. I can't pinpoint an exact reason for my downward mood swing. And although I've been big on self-diagnosis in the past, this is one thing I do not want to believe. I don't know for sure yet and I haven't spoken to the doctor about it, but I think it's something that I'm going to have to address very shortly.

They say that pride comes before a fall...I think I've just fallen kamikaze style.

I love to write and I love to share in my blog friends' days, but right now I doubt there is anything in my mind that I can write about that is actually worthy of a decent read. To those that feel the need to email me and tell me how dramatic I'm being etc etc, don't bother, I've had enough hate mail this weekend to last me awhile thankyouverymuch.

So for now, you can stick a fork in me, because I'm feeling more done than I have for a very long time.
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