Friday, February 10, 2006

The Unexpected

When my marriage ended and my house was devoid of any other adult company, I discovered chatting online. I certainly wasn't ready for one-on-one personal contact with the male species, I was repairing my heart, taking control back of my life and deliberating on how there are so many hills and curves to navigate during it. Some of them good, some of them not so good.

The people I met via chat rooms and IM became my company. I never spoke to anyone even remotely close in proximity. The one requirement I had to chat with others, was that they be in a different country. If their profile showed they lived in New Zealand I'd immediately click on "next". I didn't want to speak with anyone that could possibly get near me physically, no touchy feely stuff was going to be happening with me...I made sure of it....I wasn't ready.

Over the years I have met many people via this media....women and men alike. Some have come and gone never to be heard of again, others I've become life long friends with and I'm hoping one day I will get to meet them in person. Some I have been fortunate enough to meet in person and the time we've had together has been far too short but wonderful nonetheless.

The past 6 weeks have been interesting and enlightening ones for me. Not always in a positive way. I have surprised myself by learning more about how I cope or rather don't cope in some situations. I shan't be going into any detail. Out of character for me I know, but it is far too personal for me to be writing about it across these pages. However, I will say how difficult I became to live with during that time....how much I appear to sabotage a relationship, that from all accounts, was filled with goodness and love.

He couldn't have done anything more to help out around here, and for that I will always be grateful. He proved time and time again the way he felt about me....and I was indifferent about it much of the time. I distanced myself, pulled back and became almost cold in comparison to my usual demeanor. At times I was downright rude and argumentative, I became extremely pedantic.

Saying goodbye to him at the airport early Wednesday morning was difficult and done with a mix of emotions and a heavy heart. The unexpected had happened. We will not be moving forward or continuing as a couple. Despite all the wonderful times we've shared, the passion, the laughter and love....we cannot continue our relationship as lovers. Having said that, and because of the deep feelings we do have for one another, it is my hope that in redefining our relationship over time, we can come together again as the special friends we always were.

I write this, not only to inform you of this unexpected turn of events, but more importantly to avoid having questions being asked...questions that could be awkward for me to answer. The end of any relationship is a time for grieving, licking wounds and reflecting on the good times of the past. And there were definitely plenty of good times.

One of the most valuable lessons I've learnt about myself through this, is that I must always be honest and true with myself. I have to stop being so stubborn and pigheaded, thinking I'm able to make anything work no matter the circumstances or how I feel. At this point in time, the only reasoning I can come up with, is that I'm still not ready to share my life with anyone to such an extent yet. Whether that means I'll never be ready remains to be seen. Suffice it to say, I'm in no rush to find out.

For the time being my heart is going to be taking a back seat....I'll leave it alone to travel the road of rejuvenation. I'll concentrate on my children and their future, eventually start thinking about making some new goals for my own. I'll be putting more effort into getting my health organised too...hoping to get off my blood pressure pills, get fitter etc.

My motto for many years has been "How hard can it be?". For the first time since I started using that saying, I now have to admit defeat....it's harder than I ever imagined it would be.
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