Friday, May 12, 2006

Bummer

Either my arse is shrinking, or my jeans are stretching. I know damn well my arse is not shrinking. I want it to...but no....I have learnt from vast personal experience over the years...arses do not shrink by willing them to. They will swell and expand in ways you never dreamed they could...and they appear to do this all on their own. But shrink? No. Scolding, yelling, throwing major tantrums, beating buttocks with a wooden plank....nope...not gonna happen.

So, it would seem that just because I'm feeling good that my jeans are loosening up, it's only because the jeans themselves must be stretching. Who the hell has heard of jeans being loose on you when you take them straight out of a hot drier and thrust your legs into them?? It hardly seems fair does it? They've just been washed....they've been tumbling around in heat for over an hour...they should be a little difficult to get on. But no...they slide on easy peasy.

Or, you can buy a cute funky black pair off the net...sparkly pearly design thingy down half of one leg...make sure you have all the right measurements before you click "buy"....and wa la!, they're yours. Yay, Yay, Yaaaay, you can't wait for them to arrive!

The postie becomes a target. When he finally delivers the parcel he throws it in your general direction and runs...he's had enough of being stalked and harrassed. But you don't care...they're here!! Excitement is at an all time high. Your heart beating furiously, you rip open the packet, hold them up and exclaim "Wow, they're FABULOUS!!". You shove your legs into them and...

...discover they don't go anywhere near your arse!

Lying on the bed trying to zip them up with a coat hanger aint gonna help...especially when there's a good 5 inch gap between the zipper sides...bugger, Bugger, BUGGER!

Oh and another thing about arses - you can't suck them in. Try it...you'll find I'm right. We can flex 'em...show off all those lovely dimples...but you can't suck 'em in and make 'em smaller, or fit those funky jeans better. Do fat bottomed girls really make the rockin' world go 'round? I bet they have the manufacturers singing that song at the top of their LUNGS due to all the extra material they make us pay out.

Yep, today is a bad arse day.
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