Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Twists of Fate

This year has certainly been an interesting one for me...and we're only half way through it. It's been 6 months of changes and more self-discovery...it can be nasty looking at yourself in the mirror and pulling away each layer to see what makes up the person you really are beneath. At times I've found that I may not be the person I originally thought I was. That's not an easy thing to swallow. It's a work in progress.

I've written about many subjects here. I've written about the daily experiences with my teenagers and how they affect me, how they teach me to be a better parent/person. At times this journey through parenthood has been a slow lazy ride full of contentment and pride...other times I've been catapulted break-neck speed into a shark infested ocean. If I can manage to keep my head above water I feel I'm doing ok. The role of Mother and Mum has been and always will be, the most satisfying and fulfilling position I could ever possibly hold.

I've been involved in a very public internet love relationship. If you've been around long enough, you would've read about the various aspects of this in the initial 12 months of my blog life...the highs and lows. My life in that respect has been an open book. Things are not always what they appear, and as you're aware, it didn't turn out the way either of us expected. Dealing with the backlash and the hurt from that, not to mention the double-standards, is more than I'm prepared to go through again. I feel sure I shall not be writing so personally about any future relationship I have again.

I've given you my thoughts and feelings on life as I view it. I can be very dogmatic at times, venting my opinions and frustrations on anyone who cares to read me. I can also be very wistful and type a lot of fantasy-filled folly. I have written about some particularly painful experiences in my past, one specifically that will always be in the back of mind. I have sat here and laughed at myself as I've written...I've cried while I've written....I've punched the letters on the keyboard with fury when I'm angrily writing about a subject I feel so strongly about.

I have shared my victories and defeats with you. I have celebrated your triumphs...cried at reading the pain you go through....wanted to hold your hand to help you through the dark times...wanted to pour you a shot of tequila and slap you on the back and yell "You Rock!" I have been drawn automatically to the warmth and support of you, wanting to know you better...wanting to be part of your households, wishing I could spend more time in your company. From wanting to give you a life of fluffy ducks...to leaning down and kissing the ground beside you.

What spurred me to write this today? My birthday is coming up again shortly....turning another year older (41) has me reflecting on the past 12 months and the changes I've gone through...the changes that you've gone through with me. I wanted to say thank you to all those that have been reading me...thanks for putting up with me...thanks for being here when I needed you....and thanks for allowing me to look into the windows of your lives.

"Don't sweat the small stuff...and it's all small stuff" ?

Life is made up of thousands of small things that happen to us...things that can snowball into bigger things. Scary things, wondrous things...things that can be tossed aside because we feel they're not significant, not worth getting upset up about....things we hold close to our chests and jump up and down yelling excitedly "LOOK WHAT I'VE GOT!!".

But...those highs and lows, victories and defeats, celebrations and commiserations...call them whatever you like...however small or large...

...they're all relevant.
| (2)Blogger

<< Home