Thursday, July 20, 2006

To Have and To Hold...

Why is it when a man has an affair with a married woman (or several as the case can be), that he is not strung up verbally anywhere near as much as a woman doing the same thing? He can be seen as a virtual hero for some. Yet a woman will be branded a slut, skank or home-wrecker etc. It's one of those $64 million questions isn't it?

Years ago, I had an affair with a married man. It didn't start out with that intention (does it ever?), and as far as the word 'affair' is concerned, it started out over the phone. Talking the talk kinda stuff, none of the skanking the skank stuff over the phone....but eventually after a few months, I went to bed with him. On two separate occasions.

And despite it only being twice...it makes no difference does it? I still did it, it was still wrong. If I'd only done it once would it have been any better? Nope.

I never EVER thought I would go down the road of sleeping with someone else's husband. I would never want someone to do that to me...why on earth would I do it to another woman?

I have no answer for that...I could come up with many reasons as to why it happened at that time for him and I. But the fact remains the same...it was wrong. He was unfaithful to his wife....and I was the other woman. If we'd NOT had sex, I still would have been the other woman, because he was thinking of me, instead of her. A few weeks before we slept together, he told me he'd fallen in love with me.

Ok, that could've been the "trying to get into your panties" line he thought could work (hardly original). At the time I fought it....and him. Then I caved...he wore me down...I definitely had feelings for him...and I gave into them.

Anyway...I came to my senses soon after we started seeing each other (not soon enough obviously), and shut it down. I was ashamed I'd let it happen...I was embarrassed my moral halo had slipped (again)...and I was appalled that I'd actually stepped across that line. (Yeah, I know, that basically all equates to the same thing.)

Now I know that plenty of people out there have had affairs with married people, or they've been married themselves and had affairs. One of my ex-boyfriends was having an affair with several married women, at the same time...many times it was on the same day...like he had a revolving door on his house. I often wondered where he got the energy from. But to him, he felt he was doing these ladies a service (for want of a better word)...they were happy after they'd been to see him. At the time he wasn't interested in having a long term relationship, so it suited him well to have sex with women that he knew were not going to want anything more from him.....well, they couldn't could they? they were already taken.

One of my dearest friends was emotionally scarred by an affair her father had with the next door neighbour's wife...who incidentally was also his wife's best friend. As you can probably imagine, the fallout of that was monumental.

It appears to happen all the time. Or does it? Am I being particularly cynical about this? I don't think so. There are enough stories about married couples splitting up because of an affair one or the other had. There are thousands upon thousands of married people on the net, having internet love affairs with people they've never touched.

Let's fly with the internet love relationship thing for a minute (besides, it's not like I don't have experience in that field is it?) If you're unhappy in your marriage....is it better to have an affair with someone you've never met and may never touch? Rather than someone in the same city as you? Besides the physical side of things, I can't see how it could be.

You're still emotionally drawn to that person....you can talk cybersex til the cows come home....you can sit here and touch yourself and get the satisfaction of having that 'sharing' experience with someone else. And although you've never touched them in real life...it's still a very physical reaction. There are those that would say that having an internet lover is not cheating on their spouse. I don't agree.

When I was married...if my husband had had an internet love affair, I would've been devastated. His heart would've been involved...his desires and urges and yearning would be for another. If he'd had a one night stand and screwed himself silly, I could forgive him faster (don't bet on that, but you get the point lol).

Regardless of the reasons why married people have affairs...it's still not a good idea is it? There are too many people that can get hurt...betrayal, trust, not to mention wedding vows....all down the gurgler el pronto. And saying that, I can also see and do read on other people's blogs the very real reasons why it happens. In some cases I could practically applaud those that have been doing so. (Yes, yes I can hear you, you know.)

If you're not happy in your long term relationship, find out why...if it's fixable, try fixing it. If you can't fix it, get out. It's easy for me to say. I'm a single woman...I don't have to worry about anyone cheating on me. But knowing that all this is going on behind the scenes, and could go on behind MY back when I'm not looking...well it certainly doesn't make me want to get cracking in a hurry to find myself in a position where that could possibly happen.

Oh dear...how's that for contradicting skepticism?

[God knows where all this came from....for some reason it's been on my mind. And no, I haven't been thinking of going down that track again with a married man (or woman for that matter). lol Ah well, who knows what's going to pop out of our mouths sometimes??]
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