Monday, July 24, 2006

Trying to Control Myself

There are many things I've not asked in the past because I didn't want to hear the answers. I took it upon myself to assume I knew what the answer was going to be and never afforded the other person even the courtesy of a response. I was too scared to hear the answer. Because if what I had assumed was to be true, then things would change in a way I didn't want them to.

If I had not been such a fraidy-cat of finding out the answers to those pressing questions, several things in my life would be different now. Do I regret that I never asked the questions that were bashing against the inside of my head? I can't. To regret them would mean I would not have had so many wonderful feelings and experiences come my way.

Should I have asked those questions in the first place? Yes. To ask them would have cleared my head to make way for the next process. I would know for certain that it was either going to happen or it wasn't. If I loved someone and told them how I felt....then asked how they felt about me, I would know one way or the other. If I crashed and burned...eventually I would adjust to that and move on.

I'm not talking about giving someone the third degree and making them feel like they're taking part in the Spanish Inquisition. I'm talking about taking charge of the burning questions. The ones that could change the volume of your happiness. The ones that can hurt like crazy if the answer is not what you want. The ones that define your role, whatever that may be, in that person's life.

There are some things that we don't HAVE to know for us to continue being happy and contented individuals. But when it comes to love and friendship, it is always better to know. We need to ask those questions that plague our minds, and we need to allow others to give their true answers. If that reply is in the negative for us, then we need to respect that that's the way they feel, just as they should be respectful of how we feel.

Of course none of this will stand the test of time, if you're not given an honest answer. I also think that if you don't believe that person's being honest, then you get a 'twinge' of sorts. It's your gut instinct kicking in. You know it, you feel it. But you take it because it's what you want and sometimes you decide that you will take whatever is given, because it's better than the alternative.

Is it? Is it really? Do you truly believe that a smidgeon of a possibility is better? Do you love this person so much that you're prepared to take only the crumbs of what they choose to give to you? If we do this, not only are we cheating ourselves and losing self-respect...but we discredit the unique and special beings that we are...and everything we have to offer.

In the last 6 months I have said the words "This is not working for me" on three occasions. Twice earlier this year to the same person, and then once again yesterday to another. Quite different situations and for very different reasons. I felt I was as honest and open as I could be about the whys and why-nots of my decision on both counts. I am tired of being in situations where I am uncomfortable and feeling awkward. I chose to remove myself from that space. I have tried to do this at least twice recently and still allowed myself to be pulled back in, due to strong affinities and loyalty to friendship. Again I found myself squirming and feeling that others around me were also uncomfortable. Enough is enough.

We can't always be strong and hold our heads up day after day shielding ourselves and our children from all the crap the world chucks at us. We're allowed our moments of vulnerability....permitting ourselves to feel vulnerable and show it, is a strength in itself. It's ok to be cautious...it's ok to be indecisive and weigh up as many pros and cons of any given situation. It's natural...it's human.

There is already plenty of uncertainty in our lives. There are so many things we can't control that are happening around us in this world. This is something we can control. To quote a few well worn cliches...we are the masters of our own destiny....life is what you make of it....you reap what you sow.

This post is not pointed at any one particular person, although it has been sparked off from the comments on the one below.

Nan, I'm glad you spoke to your friend and got some answers. I'm not sure you got as many as you wanted or that you were satisfied enough with his response. But you made the move to bring some of your thoughts out into the open with him, and perhaps from there you can move on to shaking off some of the frustration you have been feeling recently. Sometimes we jump straight in, feet first, open our mouths and drop bombshells. Other times we take baby steps...cautiously drawing it out. And why wouldn't we? There's always a lot at stake with affairs of the heart, be it love interests or best friends. The important thing is it's out there to be considered, to whatever conclusion. I hope the result works in favour of what you both are looking for.

As for your last comment and the question of "But where ARE you?". My answer to that is...as of today...I'm exactly where I want and need to be. *smile*
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