Wednesday, August 09, 2006

I Do...I Don't

When a relationship ends, a relationship on any level, but for this post, let's concentrate on the one that's of the most intimate kind...why do some people feel it's ok to sling mud at their ex-partners?

If you're the one that's been dumped, and you're angry as hell that love appears to have been snatched away from you without just cause...then I guess I could understand the attitude more. If you've been cheated on or your partner has been messing around on the net chatting up a sex storm with anyone who'll listen? Then ok, far as I'm concerned, that deserves some action.

But if that relationship has ended with honesty and because things just weren't working and they could see no sign of it having a future...well...that's life. It happens. We can't expect to get on with each and every person we date and see our futures in their eyes can we? And maybe we don't come to this conclusion until we're a bit further down the track into the relationship. There's seems to be no rhyme or reason sometimes for why it happens.

Sometimes things just don't work out the way we expect them to. There can be no foul play on either side, yet the spark is not there, that special x-factor is not a happening thing for one or the other of you...and so by being honest to yourself and with the other person, you bring it to an end.

And this can be when the shit starts.

Why is it that some people feel it's their duty to tell all and sundry their (often blurred) view of the dumper. I've read it on other blogs, I've been a victim of it myself personally, still am to some extent....and I find it completely unnecessary. But...they're hurting, possibly bitter with the why's and why nots of the demise of the relationship...it can be understood that they feel the need to vent.

I've been dumped. There aren't too many of us that haven't been at some time or another. But I don't wax on about it and say I think the other person is an arsehole or a liar or that they don't know what they're missing etc. Would it make me feel better if I did? No, it wouldn't. It would make me feel like shit for discrediting someone that I had loved and muddying the waters of what had otherwise been a good relationship. I do my best to divest myself of that relationship with as much dignity and grace as I can muster.

I've been the dumper. And I've had shit slung at me from the 4 corners of the globe, but I kept my mouth shut and refused to retaliate. By responding in like, would bring me down to a level I abhor in others. Why get into a pissing match with someone who I feel is being irrational? It'd be like trying to reason with a drunk. Forget it. I don't have time to sit here and continually feel I have to justify the fact I no longer wanted that person in my life on that level.

But that doesn't mean to say the dumper can close the door and wipe the slate clean, moving on without having to nurse the hurts of the past and try to learn from them does it? Being the dumper sucks big time. We don't want to purposefully cause hurt to the other person....do people think the dumpers enjoy causing others pain? ok, let's face it, some are nasty pieces of work and go out of their way to do just that...but I'd like to think that normal, sane people don't. They try to do it as with as much respect and honesty as they can. Whichever way, it's never easy.

It irks the shit out of me that some people seem to be so angry at the world and their life that they feel the need to use others as a crutch to take that anger out on. Does it make them feel better by doing so? Yeah, it feels good to vent and get some of those feelings off your chest, but at some point it needs to stop. It's damaging to yourself and others. And hopefully it does stop, and we get over it and ourselves and life goes on.

Whether we're the dumpee or the dumper, we need to remember that the relationship did have love and understanding in it. That we shared some of our most inner thoughts and feelings with that person and vice versa. Every relationship is different...we act differently with each person we get into a relationship with. I've had passionate relationships and boring ones and have loved one man in particular beyond all reason...still do, he could possibly be the end of my sanity lol....but I don't spit out all my anger to everyone else when or if that love dies out on one side.

We all have our opinions on certain subjects, this is obviously only mine. I make my own mind up about people, I don't need someone else telling me what they're about beforehand. I need to find out for myself. We know what we like and what we don't like right? Give the rest of us more credit for making up our own minds. We click with each other differently. One person may hate someone with a passion...another might think the world of them.

Relationships end all the time...it hurts like crazy and we can nurse the wounds for a long time. I can't make a judgement on any or all of the relationships I see happening or not happening on blogland in particular...I'm not in either of those sets of shoes in that specific relationship. Why would I think myself arrogant enough to state facts about something I don't know enough about?

I don't. I talk about what I've learnt through my experiences, and mine alone. I can only read what others say and wonder what's going on behind the scenes. Wonder what the opinion of the other half is, and wish I knew more to give myself a bigger picture. Yet, both sides could have phenomonally different accounts of a situation. Does this make it sound like I try to cover myself on all sides? Quite possibly...but it also helps me avoid getting egg on my face or having to eat my words.

And being the proud son of a bitch I am, I find neither of those scenarios particularly appealing.
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