Sunday, August 27, 2006

If Our Backs Should Ever Be Against the Wall

There are very few people in this world that know me. I mean really know me deep down inside. They're the ones that really get me. They're the ones that I put my trust in and rely on for the support I might need from time to time. They're the ones I respect the opinions of most and would be there in a heartbeat to help if they ever needed me, and vice versa.

Those few people are the ones you share your inner thoughts and feelings with. They know pretty much how you'll react to any given situation and there are private jokes bandied about between you. They make you laugh until you cry...because you get it...they get it...there are mental 'high 5s' going on, and you both know it...thus you laugh harder.

There's an extra special sweetness having people like this in your life isn't there? It's like a warm kindred blanket that keeps the cold out on the most dismal of days.

United we stand...

So, what occurs if the trust we have in that person starts to falter? Something happens and despite the best intentions on everyone's behalf, the foundation starts to tremble. Everyone runs around trying to cover their own arses and there are mountains of justifying and explaining going on to back track. Stress levels sky-rocket, guilt is overwhelming, pride makes you dig your heels in and you become bloody-minded about the situation.

Personally? I'm not great at letting go of grudges in this respect. You lie to me, twist situations, withold information and blow the trust I feel for you?...and I stop cold in my tracks and reconsider the depth of that friendship. Is that normal? I would've thought so. Maybe I'm wrong, but is it not natural to start questioning that previous loyalty? And has the damage not now already been done? What are the possibilities of you ever trusting that person again so wholeheartedly with reckless abandonment on absolutely any subject?

And then the realisation comes....perhaps they didn't know each other as well as that after all? Yet, perhaps they felt so secure in their friendship they thought that any hurdle could be overcome? Maybe, maybe not.

So for the time being, you sit back, take stock...nurse those hurts, trying to adjust to this change that has come about in your life. And you ache for that closeness again but the seed of doubt has been planted and you no longer feel you want to share details of your life with that person. You feel they have just lost the rights to hearing what's going on in your mind. And although you know, that you would still be there in a heartbeat to help them in a time of need...things are never going to be the same again.

Divided we fall...
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