Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Reality Finally Gets In the Way

Saying goodbye to someone is nasty. I don't mean the "I'll see you soon, or next time" goodbye, but the final..."goodbye, have a good life", kinda thing.

I did that this morning. I said goodbye to someone I've known for almost 7 years. Someone who had such an impact on my life and some of the changes that came about within it. I've shed tears this morning and feel a great sense of sadness at the loss, but it really did need to be done.

When you meet someone, and things spark off, all seems to be going well and your friendship with them broadens into something stronger, more meaningful. My relationship with this man grew with a swift intensity that knocked me off my feet. The downside? We were 12,000 miles apart. It was foolish of me to think it could go to the next step. He wasn't going to be moving here for good, I had no plans to move there. What was the point in carrying on?

Against the odds, we did regardless anyway....with a whole lot of ups and downs over the years, some of them pretty major upheavals, and after a year of no contact, he got back in touch and we built on that friendship again slowly getting as much of the previous intensity back as we could. Ok, things had changed somewhat, I was a different person, I was less likely to buckle under the emotional pressure, and there ensued some pretty fiery arguments.

There are times when you have to accept that reality has moved from tapping at the window, to virtually bashing the door in and launching itself at you. These things cannot be ignored...the whole scenario has eaten away at me for far too long. How foolish was I to think of a possibility of having more? I knew it, I've always known it, but there was always the hope that one day we'd have the opportunity to see and feel what it was like to be in person together and taking it from there.

Today I voiced my thoughts on what I wanted in my future....I'd say our future, but there I had to face the fact there is no 'our' in my future for us. He was shocked that I hadn't said it all before. I had, I told him last year in September, but he refuses to speak about that time with me now, it's something he's been struggling to get past for almost two years. I hurt him badly today because I felt it was the best thing for me if we called it quits. I asked him if he felt it was wrong of me to want more of/from him...he said no it isn't...so I do know he understands. Understanding it doesn't make it hurt any less for either of us unfortunately. But I can't be sitting around forever waiting...I waited for him for years....and then I waited for someone else, who eventually turned out to be the wrong someone for me. It happens.

What would make him think I was going to be happy to continue our relationship on with the same thread it was over previous years? I must've given that impression, I can't imagine doing it on purpose, but it must've been there for him to see or he wouldn't have assumed it. I so hate it when people assume. I've done it myself plenty before, I know how much egg I've had on my face because of it...never again.

I'm done with waiting...the waiting has been getting to me more and more over the past few of months in particular, and I'm so tired of it. I want some kind of normalcy restored to my life when it comes to getting involved with someone. I don't expect everything to happen in a great hurry and although sometimes I get impatient for it to happen, I really don't need to have anyone rushing at me. I've never felt so single as I have this year, despite him being there to prop me up in the background. Perhaps I've been using him as my safety net all this time? I wouldn't like to think so, but it's possible. Noone likes to think they might be alone...really alone.

I don't want to hear "I love you" anymore unless it can be backed up with something more than a few hours a week of conversation. I want a solid foundation of hope on my horizon in this respect. Doesn't mean it has to be immediate or as intense, but I don't want to hear it just for the hell of it, or because that other person thinks that's what I might need to hear. In this situation, those 3 words have carried him and I a very long way over time, but it's not enough for me anymore. Maybe I'm being selfish? Quite possibly. Am I finally being a realist? I think so.

For one reason or another, I've said goodbye to some special people in my life this year. People who have filled my life with love and a richness I've cherished. This morning I said goodbye to one more. I think I might have finally done the right thing for a change. I've no doubt that as my life continues on, I'll have to say goodbye to others again...my children leaving home, friends moving overseas, whatever...but for the time being, I'm done with goodbyes. They're emotionally crippling and I've had enough this year to last me for ages.

Drop me a comment and give me a hello? I could really do with it right now.

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