Sunday, January 14, 2007

A Smile from Within

Leilani of "The Pursuit of Meaning" and I had an MSN conversation yesterday. As Monica of "This Womans Journey" has mentioned on her previous blog, Leilani is one of the most intelligent and educated women we know. She's not so up to scratch when it comes to I.T. stuff though and she's the first to admit it. This hit me between the eyes yesterday, when she said she could hear me on voice chat then asked if could I hear her yet. Alas, I could not hear her. I asked if her microphone was switched on or plugged in properly, and she answered with "Oh, you mean I need a bloody mic?" lol

Despite this hiccup we continued with our chat. Me talking on the headset and her typing. The woman types at the speed of light anyway, so it wasn't a problem. It was such a pleasure to talk with her...one on one...not having to wait for comments to be answered or refreshing Outlook for a response. The IM responses came at me like bullets at times lol. It was brilliant and I'm more than keen to do it again. Thank you Leilani, I loved the time I spent with you.

Over the course of our chat we covered several issues, our kids, blogging and bloggers, cooking and of course, men (we're single women, of course we're going to discuss the male species). We talked about what we thought men wanted, what we wanted from them, what we get instead (haha), and then more of what they might expect from us. We talked about sex...a little of what we liked, what we didn't like etc (we're single women, you know the drill).

Leilani brought up an interesting question. She said "How do you know when you meet someone and you're attracted to them, and you want to get to know them, and that includes having sex...so you have a relationship...but you can't possibly say if it's going to work out long term..."

You can't of course, you don't know what the future holds for the two of you, you can only enjoy their company and find out more about them. In the process of that you discover whether it feels right to continue being in their company, on an intimate level and otherwise. That's my take on it anyhow. That and the need to accept each other for who you are as individuals and possibly moving forward to the next level. You could also end up making the decision, consciously or subconsciously, that it's not working for you. It happens.

There is always going to be something about your other half or a prospective other half that you're not totally sure about. It can be anything...their opinion on politics that differs from yours, down to the way they put their socks and shoes on before leaving the house. Are you a sock, shoe, sock, shoe person or a sock, sock, shoe, shoe person? Do you hang the toilet roll with the paper draping on the inside or the outside? And why do these things actually matter?? The end result is still the same. You're wearing socks and shoes, the toilet paper can still achieve it's goal regardless of which way it's hanging, right? Yet they're technicalities that can bring the foundations of a household crashing down sometimes. Weird.

Differences in political affiliation is of course a heftier subject...I was told years ago, if you want a smooth conversation with a small group or even on an individual basis, never bring up politics or religion. Considering I know shit all about either subject it suits me well to avoid both lol.

Scooting back ....there are no guarantees anything's going to work out. It saddens me that so many couples appear to start out thinking there's always the possibility of separation or divorce. But with statistics today, it's an alarming if somewhat realistic approach. If you go in with that thought in the back of your mind, are you not already destined for failure? But, if you go in completely and utterly positive, and horror of all horrors, your world comes crumbling down because it ended when you least expected it? What happens then? Emotionally you're crushed, you have trouble holding your head up...the word "failure" bounces off the walls of your brain. You lay down, pull the covers over your head, cry like a baby, lick your wounds, dust yourself off and eventually rejoin the rest of the world. Sure, we all have a few extra scars and a chip or two out of our emotional bricks, but we're still here and at some stage may even make another splash in the pool.

This morning in the shower I was mulling this all over. My previous relationships, the possibilities of another one and what I've learnt over the years about myself with the comings and goings of different people in my life. How I've changed in so many ways, yet not in others, and what I'd given and taken from each of the men I've let hold my heart during those times.

I wiped the condensation from the mirror and stared....my hair a tangled wet mess, my skin had a rosy glow from the heat of the shower, my eyes were clear and I smiled wryly at myself. Because, despite all the ups and downs, the trying and failing and trying again to only fail once more....I knew I would always be prepared to have another go. I knew that I would get to the stage of throwing all caution to the wind and jump again arms open wide with reckless abandon. I knew my heart wouldn't allow it to happen any other way.

And more importantly, I realised that deep down, I was still the same person I had always been...and regardless of what's gone before and what's to be experienced ahead...noone can ever take that away from me.

At this point in time I haven't figured out if that's a good thing or a bad thing lol
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