Saturday, April 07, 2007

Winds of Change?

You may have been thinking that I've shrivelled up on the inside and am in a catatonic state, rocking dramatically in the corner of the room. Come on, you know me better than that. Well ok, I'm not in that condition today, so let's chalk today up as a good day on the outside.

I'm on the brink of major changes happening in my life. I can feel it in my bones. I'm restless and itching to start implementation. Unfortunately the whats and hows I haven't figured out yet. As some of you will know, I've started seriously considering working full-time again. Where or how I'm going to do that, I'm not entirely sure but I may have come to the end of my career as a medical receptionist anyway. By the end of April, I would've held this role for 6 years.

It's been great, I've loved it. The public contact on a daily basis, the rapport that I have with many of the patients and of course the staff, is pretty much what's kept me sticking to it for as long as I have. It's a varied, busy position and the shifts usually fly by. I hate sitting around twiddling my thumbs at work, so it's all good. So why would I want to change it? If it aint broke, why fix it? I dunno, I just feel the need for something else.

My boys are not going to be getting any younger...only older and more mature and spreading their wings further afield. They don't need me on the same level as they did when they were toddlers. I will always be there for them, no matter what, but eventually the time will come when the 'whats' will be few. And unless I want to turn into an interfering, suffocating mother, I have to take a step back and allow them to make their own way. I have to have faith that I've done the best job I can as a parent to prepare them to face the challenges that life brings and to solve them accordingly. I get that.

For the first time in years I feel truly in love...it's a hideously complicated situation that I have no control over...and you all know how I feel about not having some sort of control...well, it kinda depresses me and pisses me off. When things come to an end and I'm not ready to let them go, how do I hold on? Or more importantly, how do I hold on to my pride and dignity, when all I want to do is basically get down on my knees and beg that it doesn't end? I never thought the day would come when I'd get to that stage...not ever. I'm fed up with learning curves at this point of my life. I'm supposed to have a clue. Perhaps I'm having a mid-life crisis? Am I too old for that yet? When are we too old for a mid-life crisis? 45? 50?

I'm also tired of pretending to the outside world that all is rosy within mine. Because it's not. We often show a different face to the people around us. Only those that are close and really know us well, are able to see the cracks in the facade. And if we become particularly talented at this game of 'hide and seek', we may even be able to fool them to a certain extent.

Most women are natural communicators...I think I am anyway. At times I've felt I can vent/talk until it seems I'm trying to rid myself of a kidney. Other times I'm silent, watching the world go by in a stupor. And I think "What do I do now?" which can lead to me choking back tears...or, if noone's looking, I allow myself to dissolve into them. These latter times don't happen on a daily basis, except at the moment. For the most part I push it all to the back of my mind and continue with my life in the same way as usual.

I'm not depressed, I know this. I think I've come to a cross-roads...what I do next is going to be a turning point in my life. As I said earlier, I'm restless, in a quandary, I need change...it's like I want to break out of the life I've been leading for the last God knows how many years. It's not that I'm unhappy with what I've achieved so far, it's more that I'm done with that for now. I doubt this feeling is uncommon, I think many people go through this. What I must do of course, is figure out what it is I want to do, and how I go about it. Or more precisely, whether I want to take the risk of doing it.

Mind you, I could continue on in the same vein for several more years until I've dotted my i's and crossed my t's and I feel safe that I've done all my homework, covered my arse from all sides and then move on wherever. That could mean several more years of me feeling this ho hum existence. I don't want that. I'm not getting any younger ya know? What would I say when my grandchildren (assuming I have some that is) ask me "Grandma, what did you do in your day?" or something similar. How comfortable am I going to be replying with "Well, I waited around for something to happen".

Life is what we make it. We make decisions and choices and whether they are right or wrong, we deal with the outcome/consequences in the best way we know how. The older we get, the faster the years seem to rush by. Time is not waiting...it's out there doing things, seeing things, experiencing things. This is all happening regardless of whether I'm involved or not.

I'm not liking that at all. How dare I leave myself out of all the excitement and fun?
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