Friday, June 08, 2007

Coming Clean...

I'm not much for playing head games, and I certainly don't like it when others play head games with me. As far as I'm concerned they're a waste of time and can cause all manner of upsets for the parties involved.

So, why is it then, that sometimes I feel like I'm playing head games with myself these days? My mind becomes split between the angel and devil advocates arguing back and forth. Makes me wonder how long it'll be before an all out brawl gets down and dirty up there.

I'm having an affair with a married man. There's no other way to say it, it is what it is. There are very few of you that know this....for those that don't, I'll give you time to let that sink in. *nano second* Ok, that's enough, don't want you dwelling on it for too long. While it's not the typical affair (are any of them? I've no idea), it definitely comes with it's complications...whether we can overcome the complications and all they entail remains to be seen.

Do I want to overcome them? Yes, more than anything. Can I see my desired result happening easily? No, not at all. Understanding the situation and the emotions of all involved, doesn't make it less difficult to deal with. But once again I'm on here typing the words "one step at a time." I can't see any other way to do it really. And if I actually DO get what I'm wishing for...it'll be worth it in the long run. I know this without a doubt.

So again I find myself waiting for someone. And not just anyone...but someone else's husband. I fought against these feelings for a long time before basically throwing my hands up in defeat and wading in. My heart just simply refused to listen to my head regardless of how often I tried to reason with it. Mind you, at that time we were both single. It's amazing how much we can justify and rationalise what we're doing under such circumstances.

Ironic eh? I finally found someone in the same country and I can't have him when I want him. Which incidentally, is all the time. *sigh*

Have I learnt anything from this? Indeed I have. I've learnt there really is somebody out there that fits me afterall. Someone that gets me, despite the various masks I wear to stop the rest of the world from seeing who I am (and their name isn't Alice this time lol). Someone I want to wake up to every morning and cuddle up to at night. Someone I can talk to, really talk to about my dreams and fears. I've never experienced being so full of love for someone, yet so empty due to their absence at the same time.

I've been in similar situations. You know that. I've had two internet relationships...the first with a man I never met in person...the second, a man I flew to, and in return (after the first man getting in the way for a time), flew to me. So yes, I've dealt with the feeling of not being with the subject of my affections before. But, this feels different. Granted he has a wife, pretty major difference there. But this feels different because it IS different. This man has me feeling more alive and real than I've felt for many years. I'd even go so far as to say I can't ever remember feeling like this about anyone before. And yes, I can feel your skeptism...I might feel the same way were I in your shoes, on the outside looking in.

A few months ago, I made a conscious decision to become the 'other woman'. And for the record, this is not a decision either of us took lightly. I don't want to read again in my comments anything to the tune of "make sure he's worth it" etc, because I already know he is. If I didn't think he was, do you really think I'd have put myself in this position? We're both intelligent, caring people, we're not doing this for kicks or to deliberately hurt anyone. I know he loves me and I know he's torn between doing the responsible thing and being where he really wants to be.

Actually, I shouldn't be saying that....I can't speak for him, only he knows what's going on inside his head. I'm only giving my perspective of our relationship from what I feel, see and hear from his actions and words. There's always the possibility that I'm misinterpreting him and I could be doing that because it's what I want. Those rose-tinted glasses go down in history as having a lot to answer for....love being blind and all that.

Anytime we get the chance to be together, I want to cling madly onto him so he can't leave again. The fact I don't do that doesn't change the frustration I feel at seeing him go. Suffocating women are terribly unattractive don't you think? But I'd like to start off a steamy session by handcuffing him...tie him up to the point he can't move. This appeals tremendously because then I could attempt to shove him in the closet and not let him go. Saying that, I can't see him allowing it to happen without a major struggle and countless bruises...but then, I wouldn't want a doormat now would I?

If I had a dollar for every time I've said or typed "The heart wants, what the heart wants"....I'd have my own fleet of private aircraft by now I reckon. How I cope with all this is going to be interesting and maybe even a little alarming. I try hard not to think about it too much...I do my best to block out the negatives. The romantic part of me hangs in there, riding the positives with as much determination as possible. It has a strong faith in the way we fit and the love we share. My memory constantly rewinds, playing back the times we do get to spend together in person.

Those times are few and far between. Vodafone has become my saviour...giving me the opportunity to be part of his life. Our phone calls are almost always less than 15 minutes long but beggars can't be choosers and I gather comfort and strength from those precious minutes. I take what I can get and my heart gleefully grabs onto it with both hands.

I know the only way for me to have control of this situation, is to walk away. Yet that's not an option I'm prepared to consider at this point. I can't say I've never thought about it because in the early stages it crossed my mind more times than I care to remember. But I'm here now and as I told a dear friend via email recently...the pull and ache of needing/wanting to be with the person who truly feels right for you?...well, it just never goes away.
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