Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Getting Settled

Right, now you know what I'm involved in, I will continue to write what I want or please, whenever I get the urge ok? I realised that if I didn't eventually tell you that some of what I write on here was not going to make sense. I'm pretty good at not making sense at the best of times, but I figure it could only help to fill in some of the blanks.

Regardless of the circumstances, I will continue to enjoy the time we do have together, and I will more than likely be expressing that on here. Reading about this situation is not going to sit well with everyone, I realise that. I don't expect you to be jumping up and down with joy about it, but I am hoping for respectful, insightful comments. And so far I've not been disappointed.

If any of you are uncomfortable or upset with what you read on here, please tell me you'd like your invitation revoked. I'm very aware of the possible consequences...very aware...we both are. My eyes are not closed on this matter, they're wide open. I've made the choice to continue being part of his life as much as I can despite the various complications.

I asked him the other day what he thought we'd be like if we had an argument. He said he felt we'd both know when it was time to walk away to cool down. I suspect that could be translated to HIM walking away and ME standing around fighting myself lol. I've a lot of hot air to dispel when I get going ya know? lol Anyway, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it I guess.

Both my boys know what's going on. Cameron in particular has been a tremendous sounding board for me. Earlier on he saw the struggle I was going through coming to terms with what's been happening and he practically became an advocate for the man in question. Cam basically lays the facts on the line and his opinion of what he's seen, what he thinks, and the general feeling he gets when he's seen the two of us together. Cam wasn't impressed at all with the attitude of the last man that spent some time in our house I can tell you. (Well I can tell you now that I've gone private anyway lol).

I sometimes worry that I tell that kid too much, and I mentioned that to him the other night. It concerns me that he could become dissillusioned about what love and marriage is supposed to be about and I said so. He said "No Mum, I've been brought up with good morals and values and that is because of YOU." I can't exactly remember what else he said but he was very wordy (where does he get that from??). I told him "Cameron, when you say things like that, you make me feel I can't have been all wrong with the way I raised you." He responded by saying "Not at all Mum, you're a good mother and when I hear what some of my friends say about their parents, I know how lucky I am." Man, that kid melts my heart.

I know he's not saying that to make me feel better...he's pretty good at telling me exactly what he thinks, offend or please lol. While what Ryan thinks is just as important, he goes with the flow more and doesn't voice himself the same way, unless he's unhappy about something... then we ALL know about it. He's a teen of few words is Ryan...his opinion is "He's cool, I like him." (Gosh, it's like deja vu in here, well at least for two people anyway lol)

I did say to Cam that I was going to have to give him a name of some sort on here, I can't keep referring to him as "him, he, the man, this man, that man" etc. Cameron came out with the suggestion of Pseudo Man, haha very funny.

I will address the issues of jealousy and "how do you know he won't cheat on you" at some other point. Between the emails and posting I'm pretty much running myself ragged typing lately, I was going to post last night but wrote a lengthy email to one of you and ended up running out of steam instead lol.

Thanks for listening/reading...let me know if you'd rather be wearing ear muffs or a blindfold and I'll see what I can to accommodate you!
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