Saturday, September 15, 2007

Nature of the Beast

I've been tagged by Some Mexican Chick...I'm going to skip the 8 random facts about me, I'm pretty sure I've spilled my guts across these pages over the last few years, so I've chosen to try answering the question only:

"I love how you write!" (Thank you!) "Your entries give me so much to think about and sometimes you just crack me up. I hope you never lose that lovely sense of humor" (How kind of you to say *blush*. Again, thank you). "So, taking into consideration your current predicament, do you have a Plan B if something were to not come through?" (Oh!....Crap...*mutter mutter*)

That's a pretty hefty question to answer. You and I both know she must be referring to my situation with the currently married Dan and what would I do if he changed his mind and decided to stick his marriage out afterall....or perhaps, our clandestine relationship came to a grinding halt for one reason or another.

It'd be safe to say that for some time now, I've viewed Dan and I as a couple. I have often got to the stage where I've almost completely forgotten he's married (rightly or wrongly, it's true) may be all going on in MY head, but, to me, we're a couple...albeit it a couple trying to overcome some major complications. Despite his absence from my day, not to mention him physically missing from my bed at night, I still feel that way. If I want to make this happen, it's about the only way I can deal with it mentally. Law of Attraction, c/- The Secret, and an' all that blahdy blah.

That's not to say I've forgotten the realities of the situation. I'm unable to ring or text him whenever I have something I'd like to share or something I feel the need to discuss...I don't always know where he is, or more importantly, who he's with. I can't take the risk, so I wait for him to contact me. It's rather one-sided, I realise that, but for the time being, I've accepted it. Don't misunderstand me, I don't LIKE it, but everything considered, I either accept it, or I walk. I get to hear from him when he's able and when he wants to. Not the other way around.

Dan's birthday is coming up in a few weeks. If I want to give him a gift, I have to think of something that's basically 'non-existent'...easily hidden...then figure out how to get it to him. Then I get to pretend that I'm ok about not spending the day with him. I will put up with knowing that his family/friends will mark it with a celebration of some kind. However big or small that celebration might be, it'll be without me. And I'll deal with it because I love him, and because I chose to continue having him in my life in this capacity, and because I hang on and trust that one day he'll be free. For any of you that may have ever been in a similar position yourselves, I know you understand where I'm coming from.

In the past few weeks I've been having some enlightening, if somewhat startling, conversations with an ex boyfriend from the UK (the one I called it quits with last November). Neil said himself, he's like a bad penny "Just when you think it's safe to go out...there I am again". While I wouldn't put it like that myself, it does drive the stake in further that I am again waiting for someone. Whilst Neil is mindful of my feelings and relationship with Dan, he's struggling to change our previous friendship down a gear or two, putting it on a level I'm more comfortable with. Regardless of how conscious he is of Dan in the picture, that didn't stop him from saying "Dan shouldn't take me lightly, I have a self interest in you, as you're now aware, and I won't be giving up easily."

Amazing how he picks his times when resurfacing with such revelations. It's like he has some kind of alarm bell that goes off whenever he feels it must be time to interfere because he's been knocked out of top spot. I've had a song racing around my head recently. It's taken me a few days to realise WHY it's been screaming itself at me...I think it's pretty much in response to Neil's arrogance and the anger in me that's bubbling just below the surface about our history and our recent contact.

It's the waiting and "what if"s that get to me more than anything in this position. But, it's been brought to my attention (and quite rightly so)...waiting is all part and parcel of the situation. We either wait for someone to change their minds, or we wait for the result we think is going to happen. As I've mentioned in the previous post, expectations don't always come to fruition, so there really is no way to guarantee our futures, on any level.

So what I'm basically doing at this point, is pushing back the past and stopping it from getting tangled up in my present...for fear it will get in the way of what MAY happen in my future. Yes I DO know how fucked up that is!

So to answer the question? Do I have a plan B? No, I don't. I'm too busy fighting through the present to be thinking that far ahead. The uncertainty of what may or may not happen in the future is not something I can concentrate on right now. I'm taking it one day at a time.
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