My Superficial Comfort Zone
Things continue to change in my life. Of course, we expect that...we're not always prepared for it, and we don't always want it to happen. It seems to me, that just when I'm getting used to one thing, it either disappears, or something else comes along and shoves it out the way.
Cameron has all but officially finished college...besides only needing to go back to school on the days that his exams are scheduled, he's done with this chapter of his life. Next year, sometime around February, he'll be a university student. How did this happen??! It seems only moments ago that he was kicking and screaming at the teacher of his new entrants class, as I tried to edge my way out the door. Now here he is...18 years old and about to launch himself upon a university lifestyle, majoring in Computer Sciences and Japanese.
Ryan, has decided to go back to school next year. This has come as a complete and utter surprise to his father and I. A couple of months ago, we sat down with him and agreed that he would be allowed to finish up this year, providing he took up a polytechnic course of some description or got a full time job at the beginning of next year. Ryan said he still doesn't know what he wants to do when he leaves school, and now wants to stay, even if it's just for 6 months, to give himself more time. While this all appears to be logical thinking...I'm dubious as to this being the true motive...something in the back of my mind keeps telling me it's more about a girl than anything else. It pains me to think this way about my youngest son, but with all he's been up to in the past few months, he has a long way to go before he gains my trust when it comes to his wants/needs, and the whys therein.
Ryan's biggest passion at the moment (besides his girlfriend, who incidentally is an ex-girlfrend that caused so much shit a couple of years ago, we came before the disciplinary committee of the College Board because of his reactions. I struggle to breathe calmly through this latest change, because quite frankly? I want to ban her arse from getting within a 100 yards of spitting distance. I have to suck this one up for the moment, but whenever I think about her I start snorting out my nose like an angry bull.) Oh yeah, his other passion...is the martial art he's been learning this year. He's been going twice a week since about March and I'm rather impressed at his commitment. He absolutely loves it and I'm really pleased he's finally found something he's happy doing. He's doing bloody well at it too, so another plus.
I am still continuing with my fitness regime...some days have been tougher than others...and there's been a few days when I've not gone at all for one reason or another. But besides that, I'm at the gym each day, or I'm out walking with a friend. I started this at the beginning of October, so have continued for a good 6 weeks now, and would hate to stop for fear of losing momentum. Cameron helps give me the motivation I might need at times and I enjoy attending the gym with him. He's become very aware of his petrol consumption and the cost involved, and he knows if he waits til I'm available, he can catch a ride with me instead of using his own fuel lol.
As you know, Dan and I got to spend some time together in person last weekend...it had been almost 6 months since we'd last seen each other. We really did have a lovely time...however, it was laced with tension. He was concerned with getting 'sprung' considering we were in his territory, and I basically fed off his paranoia. I flew down south on Friday morning, and flew back home on Saturday afternoon. I will not be doing that again. While I have always understood this is the nature of our circumstances, it was brought home to me, and not in a very pleasant way, that this is not what love is about. The hiding, the worrying, the deceiving, the lying...it was doing his head in...and it was doing in mine seeing him that way...not to mention feeling partly responsible for causing it.
It is best that I get on with my own life and let him get his sorted out the way he feels is right for him. I think this scenario is better for both of us...it takes pressure off him, so he doesn't feel he may need to continue nuturing our relationship...just the thought of me waiting has to add pressure. This way it also gives me a semblence of control of my own world, by stepping back. He's unable to give me a timeframe, and due to the extent of his complicated situation, I fully understand that. I'll just get on with my own stuff basically. (Did any of that make any sense?) Whatever happens, happens...that's life (and the bitch that she can be lol). I believe that regardless of what I'm doing, he needs to get out of his marriage for the sake of his own happiness. That is only my opinion of course.
So, there it is, an update finally. You'd be right in thinking I haven't been around much...there's a strong chance you haven't seen me in your stats...I haven't even been in my own lately lol. So much for posting little and often eh? "Less is More" ?? Pfft, yeah, I know I talk a crock of shit lol. If I had any sense I could've split this into 3 seperate posts...but as you know, 'sensible' has not always been part of my vocab, so I'll give it all to you in one go.
And yep, I really do know how blessed you feel that I did that! :D
Cameron has all but officially finished college...besides only needing to go back to school on the days that his exams are scheduled, he's done with this chapter of his life. Next year, sometime around February, he'll be a university student. How did this happen??! It seems only moments ago that he was kicking and screaming at the teacher of his new entrants class, as I tried to edge my way out the door. Now here he is...18 years old and about to launch himself upon a university lifestyle, majoring in Computer Sciences and Japanese.
Ryan, has decided to go back to school next year. This has come as a complete and utter surprise to his father and I. A couple of months ago, we sat down with him and agreed that he would be allowed to finish up this year, providing he took up a polytechnic course of some description or got a full time job at the beginning of next year. Ryan said he still doesn't know what he wants to do when he leaves school, and now wants to stay, even if it's just for 6 months, to give himself more time. While this all appears to be logical thinking...I'm dubious as to this being the true motive...something in the back of my mind keeps telling me it's more about a girl than anything else. It pains me to think this way about my youngest son, but with all he's been up to in the past few months, he has a long way to go before he gains my trust when it comes to his wants/needs, and the whys therein.
Ryan's biggest passion at the moment (besides his girlfriend, who incidentally is an ex-girlfrend that caused so much shit a couple of years ago, we came before the disciplinary committee of the College Board because of his reactions. I struggle to breathe calmly through this latest change, because quite frankly? I want to ban her arse from getting within a 100 yards of spitting distance. I have to suck this one up for the moment, but whenever I think about her I start snorting out my nose like an angry bull.) Oh yeah, his other passion...is the martial art he's been learning this year. He's been going twice a week since about March and I'm rather impressed at his commitment. He absolutely loves it and I'm really pleased he's finally found something he's happy doing. He's doing bloody well at it too, so another plus.
I am still continuing with my fitness regime...some days have been tougher than others...and there's been a few days when I've not gone at all for one reason or another. But besides that, I'm at the gym each day, or I'm out walking with a friend. I started this at the beginning of October, so have continued for a good 6 weeks now, and would hate to stop for fear of losing momentum. Cameron helps give me the motivation I might need at times and I enjoy attending the gym with him. He's become very aware of his petrol consumption and the cost involved, and he knows if he waits til I'm available, he can catch a ride with me instead of using his own fuel lol.
As you know, Dan and I got to spend some time together in person last weekend...it had been almost 6 months since we'd last seen each other. We really did have a lovely time...however, it was laced with tension. He was concerned with getting 'sprung' considering we were in his territory, and I basically fed off his paranoia. I flew down south on Friday morning, and flew back home on Saturday afternoon. I will not be doing that again. While I have always understood this is the nature of our circumstances, it was brought home to me, and not in a very pleasant way, that this is not what love is about. The hiding, the worrying, the deceiving, the lying...it was doing his head in...and it was doing in mine seeing him that way...not to mention feeling partly responsible for causing it.
It is best that I get on with my own life and let him get his sorted out the way he feels is right for him. I think this scenario is better for both of us...it takes pressure off him, so he doesn't feel he may need to continue nuturing our relationship...just the thought of me waiting has to add pressure. This way it also gives me a semblence of control of my own world, by stepping back. He's unable to give me a timeframe, and due to the extent of his complicated situation, I fully understand that. I'll just get on with my own stuff basically. (Did any of that make any sense?) Whatever happens, happens...that's life (and the bitch that she can be lol). I believe that regardless of what I'm doing, he needs to get out of his marriage for the sake of his own happiness. That is only my opinion of course.
So, there it is, an update finally. You'd be right in thinking I haven't been around much...there's a strong chance you haven't seen me in your stats...I haven't even been in my own lately lol. So much for posting little and often eh? "Less is More" ?? Pfft, yeah, I know I talk a crock of shit lol. If I had any sense I could've split this into 3 seperate posts...but as you know, 'sensible' has not always been part of my vocab, so I'll give it all to you in one go.
And yep, I really do know how blessed you feel that I did that! :D
Comments
Post a Comment