Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Private Emotion

After giving it several months of consideration (you know me, never one to rush for the gate in a hurry!), I have opted to make my blog private. As you are aware this will mean you'll need to login to be able to read "Internet Lovers".

I have plenty I want to write at the moment, things in my head I feel the need to get out, and my blog and it's readers have always been a great source of comfort by helping me 'lose' the occasional skeleton or two.

There are some of you I would automatically send out an invite to, and there are regular lurkers that have never commented but continue to read regardless. I understand that, I do this with several blogs myself. And saying that, I won't be sending out any invites unless I hear from you. It seems pointless to me, to send invites all other the show by assuming you're interested in what's going on in my life.

So, those of you who would like to be reading about what I've been upto and having an insight into what's going on in my head, please email me at camrya@paradise.net.nz.

I never thought I'd be making my writing private and confidential as such, but there are people out there I'd rather not be sharing myself with right now. Short of removing my blog completely, or starting up another, I feel it's the only solution for the moment.

I need to do some purging. I need to be able to write my thoughts and feelings down, without judgement, without repercussions...I need the freedom to write again without worrying what others may think of me, or talking about me behind my back. It's happened before, no doubt it'll happen again at some stage, but right now, I need the feeling of being anonymous, yet knowing I'm only amongst friends that understand at the same time. (Yes I know that's a contradiction but I think you get the gist.)

I think this will also give those nearest and dearest to my heart, and the readers friendships I value the most, the opportunity to comment without having to basically 'screen' what they say first.

I won't be changing the way I write or stop writing about whatever I please when it comes to my boys and their lives too, but I will be able to write about other things that are going on behind the scenes that most of you have been unaware of.

I'm hoping this change will help quieten some of the voices in my head before they take over completely!
Friday, May 25, 2007

No Rest for the Wicked

I'm still not 100% health-wise...who would've thought a scabby common cold could keep me down for so long eh? I was sent home from work on Monday under strict instructions from one of the nurses "See a doctor! I insist!" I went to see my own GP first thing Tues morning. He kindly gave me medication and two days off work. That's after he dragged me into another room to 'whip' off the two moles we'd discussed a couple of months ago. The shithead barely gave me time to protest. Besides Cameron was with me, and what kind of example would I be if I'd done what I wanted to and bitten the doctor??

Incidentally, my older sister did that once...her doc told her it wouldn't hurt when he was about to use liquid nitrogen on a wart...she said it was an instant reaction...soon as the burning started she leant forward and bit him. Haha, take that doc. Guess the fighting spirit runs in the family huh? I think that's the kindest way to describe our fetish for wanting to mutilate anyone that's hurting us, regardless of whether it's for our own good or not lol.

What started off as a snotty cold, turned into a chest infection, so I religiously took the provided antibiotics like a good girl. I consumed these pills for a couple of days and my body obviously thought "wtf??" and started rebelling severely. I became sleepless, breathless and too frightened to eat in case it set off another bout of chronic indigestion. The tight 'band' across my midriff had me pacing the floor at ungodly hours of the night. I was on here mindlessly playing games at 3.30am at one point...figured my competitive streak would distract me from what my insides were upto haha. I was ecstatic to belch, but I couldn't fart with confidence, thus there were many trips to the toilet. Who knew my good manners could take a rapid dive due to a few small tablets?? It's the first time I can really say I was delighted to have diahorrea.

Yeah...good times.

Work rang me Wednesday afternoon and told me I had oodles of sick leave so just stay home for the remainder of the week and rest up. I'm back to work on Monday. After ringing my doctor's office this morning and leaving a message reporting on bodily functions, he rang me later and asked "So Lisa, have I poisoned you yet?" lol

A new course of antibiotics and things are going back to normal. Hoorah! I'm off back to the orchard this weekend. My sister was trying to get me up there earlier, seeing as I'm off work. When she first suggested it, I thought "How sweet, she wants to keep an eye on me and be there if I need her". When I actually thought about it properly I realised it was more likely she was after female support. My Dad is staying with them and I've already heard her complain about being bossed around by both her husband and our father. I told her to grow some balls lol.

Anywaaaay...you probably aren't aware of it, but I've been in and out of your pages at various times over the week trying to catch up on what's happening in your worlds. Man, you're a busy lot aren't you?
Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Working It Good

The man at the coffee shop knows the sound of my voice over the phone almost as much as he knows his own these days. I say "Hello", and he answers with "Hiya Lisa"...it's a good feeling knowing my voice is recognised so easily. He also makes sure that by the time I get there, the coffee's good to go, regardless of how busy they are. That's kinda special in my book...I know HE knows how little time I get to collect my usual brew, so he does what he can to make it happen.

The medical centre being as busy as it is these days (ok, every day), I always ring through my coffee order before racing around the corner to pick it up. If I don't ring first, I end up standing around in the shop anxiously wondering what's happening to the poor sucker I've managed to talk into covering the front desk for me.

One of the other gents in the coffee shop showed me a faster way to get to them several months ago. It's via a small alleyway that goes from behind the neighbouring mechanic's garage through to the childrens small play area, right next door to the coffee shop. Brilliant. Works for me.

Until last week...I rushed out of the alleyway to find myself confronted with a large 4WD and one of those orange plastic flexible fences that workmen put up temporarily to stop the public getting by. I stopped in my tracks, took in the situation, there was no way around it. I stood there thinking about having to retrace my steps and go the long way around. Knowing I was running out of time, my coffee was getting cooler, the nurse I'd left on the front desk had another patient turning up any minute, I wondered if people did these things sometimes deliberately to piss off the likes of me. I concluded the only solution was to go over it.

Which I did...with a complete lack of style and grace, almost landing on my face. Standing up, I smoothed down my shirt, pulled my knickers out of the crack of my arse and walked into the shop with as much decorum as possible, hoping like hell noone had witnessed the spectacle.

After tapping his watch and looking at me sideways, he asked what took me so long and did I actually want a cold mocca today. I told him I'd been held up.

"Oh yeah, and I had to climb over a damn fence to get here."
"I almost brought it to you myself."
"Hey, don't you be teasing me about that, you know I'd take advantage."
"Yeah, I thought of that, and then realised I'd probably be spending most of my day running back and forth to the medical centre lol"
"Oh haha...You'll miss me next week you know."
"Eh? And where do you think you're going then?"
"Nowhere, I just won't need to be doing extra shifts."
"Coffee quota's going to drop through the floor then"
"Whatever...Just make sure you miss me next week, ok?"
*handing me my drink* "No doubt about it....I miss you already."

It's no surprise that particular coffee shop is so busy...thinking about it now, the majority of the patrons are women, go figure. lol
Sunday, May 13, 2007

Keeping Up With the Joneses

I achieved more than I thought I would yesterday...the sun shone brightly (unfortunately I can't take credit for that), so I got the washing out and went for another walk along the beach with a good friend. I came home mopped the floors, unpacked the dishwasher, stripped my bed, yadda yadda yadda...

Don't you just love fresh sheets on the bed? Especially when you've just shaved your legs? Every time you move your legs it kinda feels like smooth cool silk wafting around them...you hear me right? Same can't be said for newly shaved armpits, but there ya go.

*gives that more thought while staring out window*
God, I need to clean those ranchsliders badly.

I'm having LOTS of "Shirley Valentine" moments these days. Have you seen that movie? I thought everyone had. Middle-aged woman, her children are grown and left home, she doesn't work outside the house, and her company consists of her husband, when he comes home after work each night. She's lonely for company and 'befriends' a wall in her kitchen. (I know!) She used to talk to that wall all the time while she went about her business in the kitchen.

In a nutshell? She's bored shitless and restless with life, she packs up one day and heads off to Greece, leaving her husband a note. She rediscovers herself and has an affair with a smooth talking Greek, ponders life in general and what she wants from it, blah opa blah....

I don't have a particular wall....I basically just talk to myself...so no wall in my house is favourited...I am, if nothing else, an equal opportunity employer. Go me.

I digress.

I'm not well at the moment. Physically that is, not mentally. My mental state is pretty good, although I do have moments of wonder about the state of it's balance, but for the most part it's sound. Physically? I've got what I have to assume is a common cold. Nothing drastic. Snotty, running nose, hacking cough, sore head, just generally bleech.

Thurs and Fri last week, I was anything but a brilliant advertisment on the front desk at the surgery. Sneezing and sniffing, constantly putting people on hold so I could blow my nose kinda thing. Not to mention the coffee I spilled down my front Friday afternoon. So yeah, I not only looked red-nosed and tired, but filthy in the bargain. Go me yet again.

Anyway, I figured it was best to hunker down at home and rest for the night. I rented a couple of DVDs on the way back from the beach. "The Holiday" - good light entertainment with a spray of laughter and a predictable end....and "Friends With Money" - interesting insight into the lives of married couples and one of their close female friends who's single...a little different, some may find it boring, and the ending frustrated the shite out of me.

I felt SO Bridget-Jones'-Diaryish last night! I really did. Home alone, single, smoking, watching telly....I went and found a pair of Cameron's drumsticks in his bedroom and lay on the couch, waiting for the opening notes of "All By Myself" to ring out. Having found myself in this predicament, the least I could do was be slightly more authentic if that should actually happen. Do they still call it air-drumming if you have REAL sticks? Who knows? Who cares? And who ARE 'they'??

Ya know? It is more than apparent that I am not done with recuperating. I'd like to blame the above nonsense on medication, but alas I have taken none. *sigh* Time for an afternoon sleep methinks.
Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Suddenly I See

I plugged my iPod earbuds in on Saturday morning and went for a brisk walk along the foreshore. There were a few others out, some walking dogs, lovers holding hands, parents pushing toddlers strapped into strollers.

As I walked, I watched a lone man running along the sandy beach front...if I'd had a camera I know I would've taken a photo. It wasn't the man's physical appearance as such that struck me. It was more the total picture frame of him on his own with Wellington Harbour and Sommes Island as his backdrop. It wasn't a sunny day...the thick grey clouds were heavy with the anticipation of rain....seagulls etched flights across the sky, only to have their paths removed in the blink of an eye.

I continued to watch the solitary runner and wonder what he was thinking. What was going through his mind? Was he running for the sheer enjoyment of physical exertion? Was he running from stresses or complications in his life? Did he have someone at home to go back to? Was he happy with his life? Was he running purely because he just loved to run? Loved the sensation of his feet pounding the sand at the edge of the surf?

I crossed paths with an older man as we walked in opposite directions. I glimpsed his weather-beaten face, his solemn expression looking at the ground, he avoided eye contact as we passed. Once I got to the pier and turned around, I eventually caught up to him and slowed my pace to a few yards behind him. Looking at the stoop of his back, the defeated slump of his shoulders, the steady scuff of soles against pavement. His face flashed through my memory again...only a fleeting moment of time but enough for me to wish he had looked up earlier so I could've smiled a "Good Morning" at him.

A young boy of about 5 had been tooting his bicycle horn at me but I didn't hear him until he was practically on top of me. He wobbled his small bike around me and I looked down into the smiling freckled face of a cherub. His sharp blue eyes instantly transported me back in time, making my heart ache. A man and younger boy with an even smaller bike followed. The man, I can only assume to be their father, grinned, and with a wink at me rode his own cycle passed abreast of the children. I returned his smile thinking how happy they appeared. Like they didn't have a care in the world...the only thing that mattered was spending time together.

I made my way back to the car, removed the music from the ears and sat on the stone wall. Taking in the sound of breaking waves, the screech of sea birds and hearing the laughter of others, the rumbling murmurs of conversations from a distance. I inhaled the fresh southerly, feeling the sharp impact as it filled my lungs. I savoured the smell of fresh salt air and took pleasure in the soft breeze lifting my hair, gently brushing it against my face to tickle my nose.

I thought back to the times I had spent with my father on the pier fishing in the wee hours of the morning, the excitement of feeling a weight at the end of my line. I can still recall the utter disappointed that washed through me to find it was yet another shoe, or a coathanger. I remember the childish thrill when reeling in a starfish. I remember a broken metal spring in the back seat biting into my side as I tried to sleep one time, after refusing to get out of the car because "Jaws" had aired.

30 plus years later, I gazed out on the water, and gave myself the time to really soak in the past, wearing it like a saturated overcoat. I tried not to think about my future. I felt alive, and invigorated and delighted to rediscover this part of my childhood. A part I had almost forgotten...a part of me that had been swiftly misplaced due to the revolving door of life and all it encompasses.

I think I had just found my new comfort food...it was delicious.
Saturday, May 05, 2007

Whatever

Me: "Like my coffee cup?"
Cam: "What's it say? "Morning Handsome" ?
Ryan: "Yeah, she has another one that says "Morning Gorgeous"
Me: "I'm trying to be optimistic."
Cam: "Aah, I see what you're doing. You're trying to put that Law of Attraction stuff from "The Secret" into practice aren't you?"
Me: "Anything's worth a shot these days."

***

Sis: I've got a tour turning up this morning to take a look at a working orchard!
Me: "Oh...shall I get my dungarees on, rush up there and stand on a ladder in the orchard so it looks a bit on the authentic side then?
Sis: "Hell, I don't know...I don't know why they're even coming here!"
Me: "Hey, I could come up and drive the tractor up and down the aisles? Get your husband to put that lawnmower gizmo thing on the back of it, I'd be happy to have a go at mowing the grass between the apple trees like Sam used to."
Sis: "Yeah, that's a good idea...All you have to worry about is that you don't decapitate yourself."
Me: "Oh, is THAT all??" *snort*
Sis: "It's not really that bad"
Me: "Oh well, I guess that would get rid of some problems for at least one person. lol"

***
Coming out of the supermarket the other day, I decided to grab a couple of coffees from Starbucks and drop in on a friend. In case I was going to catch her in the bath or whatever, I thought it best to send a quick text to let her know I was about to turn up. I obviously didn't give much thought to how it was going to be received.

Me: "I'm coming, just sayin"
Her: "Wish I could b just as honest and uninhibited as u Lisa. is your 'coming' something I should welcome, or should I just b happy 4 u?"
Thursday, May 03, 2007

Hi!

I feel the strong need to apologise for this before you watch it. It's me rambling on attempting to give you a new post. One of these days I'm going to be spectacular at doing this...I just suspect that's going to be a long way away from now lol

So, without further ado...I'm sorry!