Thursday, January 03, 2008

Happy New Year....

...or not.

The beginning of a new year.

The possibilities could be endless really...or could they?

I guess that remains to be seen.

Did you know, I've been blogging for 3 years now? Yes, I'm amazed too. December 31st, 2004...that was my first ever blog entry. Not that you can tell...for some reason my archives only show up from Jan 2005. Whatever...no biggie.

Funnily enough, I've come full circle. Three years ago, I was faced with making a decision when it came to the men in my life. Yes, that's "men", plural. The last few months, I've found myself again in a similar situation. Two men, one me...now that aint gonna work, is it? I've said "funnily enough"...yet it certainly has no humour to it at all.

How the hell do I get myself into these situations? Is it because I'm weak and insecure? Is it because I'm the procrastinator extraordinaire? Is it because I'm greedy and want everything? Possibly a combination of all the above. Whatever the answer, it's caused me major stress and heartache trying to figure things out.

When it comes to emotions/feelings, being forced to make a choice is never easy. Not when you have such a depth of feeling for both. Three years ago, the decision was actually easier...it didn't feel like it at the time...but that was only because I SO hate hurting anyone...regardless of how I feel about them. I knew who I wanted to be with more back then, I knew which one wasn't right for me.

Despite how the current situation is 'played' out, someone is going to get hurt. Could be either one of them, could be me...could be all three of us. Knowing that you're the cause of such hurt to anybody is horrible...it is a truly nasty feeling. Weighing up the pros and cons of both is a practical, yet somewhat cold and calculating way to do it...far less emotional. And of course, it doesn't always mean you end up making the right choice by doing it that way.

I picked up one of those infamous "No. 8" balls in a shop the other week...shook it up....turned it over to read the answer to my unspoken question...nothing. It didn't give me any answer whatsoever...totally blank. I spent a few minutes, shaking and looking, and still zilch. It was either malfunctioning, or it just didn't know what to tell me. Fucker.

Most of you would probably think I'm completely hopeless at making decisions of any kind...it could also have you wondering how on earth I manage to stumble through my life, seemingly with no structure. Truth be known, most of the time I'm actually pretty good at making decisions...I have to make them all the time...in my work, in my home life, with my sons, my house, my time etc.

When it comes to the impact my choices can have on someone else's heart? Not so much. In fact, not at all. I drag the chain so badly while deliberating, I frustrate and confuse everyone involved, including myself.

In the end, I know I'm going to have to do what I think is right for me. I'll have to go with what feels right...for me. It's a focus that feels selfish, but I believe it's the only way to do it. I know I can live/survive without either of them in my life...it's more of a case of deciding which one I don't want to be without. And of course, I'll have to suffer the consequences if it goes tits up.

"You make your bed, you lie in it." A simple cliche, but one that scares the crap out of me. Let's hope I'm full of so much shit, it won't be fatal if I get some of it knocked out of me eh?
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