Wednesday, January 09, 2008

The Too Hard Basket

I had a lengthy text conversation with Neil's son last night. Neil's still in hospital and the doctors can't find anything else wrong with him, they believe it's "psychological trauma" that set him off.

He's seen a psychoanalyst and will be doing so again. They'll be keeping him in for a further couple of days to make sure it doesn't recur and he's very withdrawn at the moment. Mike's also said, Neil is asking after me every day, and nobody knows what to tell him. Mike said the best thing for Neil right now, would be for me to make up my mind.

So I did...I told Mike that it was better that I just backed off completely. I told him that I can't continue to keep doing this to Neil, and that by me disappearing I will no longer be screwing around with his father's head or his health.

Mike's obviously angry at my decision, and knows it will further upset his father. He said that if I think he can tell his Dad that, while he's in this condition then I'm very wrong. Do you know how much I hate walking away from him when he needs me the most right now? Yet being the one that triggered this off, how can I be of any help?

But what am I to do? Wait til Neil gets out of hospital and then dump it on him, and possibly send him straight back there? Isn't it wiser, maybe more practical to tell him while he's still there with medical attention close at hand? I don't know anymore.

I'll admit, I DO feel the urge to get on a plane right now...but what's that going to achieve? Besides the hefty opposition I'd be coming up against with his family and friends..the shock of me turning up out of the blue may set him back further. At the very least, it could give him hope.

Should I pretend again? Should I lie, and tell him what he wants to hear to make him happy, even though I'm not? Should I let him come to New Zealand, yet know already that it would only be to keep him happy, not myself? In some ways I feel like saying "Yep sure, come, we'll do the campervan thing around the country and have a great time"...just so he can get here, we can do whatever together and he will go away again finally knowing.

And what happens if he comes here, we're off around the country somewhere and he has another one of these episodes? How do I deal with that then? A depressed psychologically traumatised man in a strange country...can't imagine how easy that would be to cope with. Sounds callous I know, but the possibility of that would scare the bejesus outta me...I'd be on edge the entire time.

Eventually I switched my cellphone off last night, there really wasn't anything more I could say. Of course, I wish him a speedy and full recovery...of course, I care for and love the man, he's been a large part of my life for 8 years now. But all these emotional ups and downs had to stop somewhere...I can't continue to live under this pressure. And I was dealing with it well before Dan came on the scene, so I knew deep down, it had to be done.

I refuse to go back and mess about with his head any longer. I didn't realise how much I was messing with it to be honest...I've actually felt for many years, that he was messing with mine...but there ya go. He's a high maintenance man with standards and expectations I'm exhausted with trying to reach. How many times can one relationship have the shit kicked out of it and still be expected to survive?

There's a major difference between rising to the challenge to make things work...and doing them only because you think it may be necessary, regardless of how ludicrous you believe it is. England to New Zealand is a bloody long way to come when one of you knows they're only doing it for the other person's sake (that made sense, right?).

My feelings for Dan aside...I know it's the right thing to do. I hope sometime in the future, Neil will eventually come to the same conclusion.
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