Sunday, May 25, 2008

Covering New Territory

This is the first time in many years that I've had a real life time relationship. A REAL one. One where I can actually physically touch the person I love, one where I can cuddle up to him at night, read books in bed beside him, cook in the kitchen alongside him. The bonus of this, besides feeling and acting almost like normal people, is I get to make love to him, with him. In the same bed no less...who knew how incredible the union of two bodies could be?

I'd forgotten what that felt like...the feelings of joining together with someone so freely and with that much love had drifted off to such a distance, they would brush past my memory banks so fleetingly I had to wonder if they'd ever existed to start with. I can safetly say that I have not felt this connected to another person since way back when I fell in love with the boys' father. I was 18. And while I don't want to minimise how I felt about Pat, there's certainly a difference to falling in love at 18 and then again in your early 40's. One of those differences is baggage...well, life experience, sounds better. "Baggage" can encompass such a hideous amount of 'whatevers' really. Besides, baggage and life experience, while getting lumped together in the passage of living, can also be quite different things.

However...being almost 43 now, I have surprised myself by once again being swept up to the giddy heights of a teenager in love. And as silly and mushy as it may sound, it also feels so bloody fantastic I'm not complaining. And let's face it, anything that can make you feel over 20 years younger has just got to be good for you right? Shame it doesn't peel 20 years off my face and body *sigh*

Now that Dan and I are finally, legitimately a couple, I get to spend more time with him in person. Yes, he still lives on the south island, but it's nothing that cheap flights and the organisation of switching shifts around etc, can't fix. In fact, we're getting pretty good at it.

Obviously there's been a bit of adjusting involved. Single people don't live on their own without a significant other for almost 10 years and then think that someone can just swan into the household and noone's going to notice the difference. The first time he came to stay this year was an interesting one for me. Last year, we'd manage to get two nights at a time over about 4 weekends. This time he was here for 5 days...and as he pointed out a few times, it was now on a different level...the bar had been raised. I mean, I know I was serious about how I felt last year...but now I had to get serious in a practical sense...in a commitment sense. *gulp*

So he fronted up for 5 days...and my mind was fascinated with how easily he fitted in...the boys just accepted that he was here again....they came and went as usual, it seemed no surprise or hardship for them to have him around. Saying that, Cameron did make it known how unimpressed he was that his mother was getting her rocks off so much through the bedroom wall from him. (Do women get their rocks off? Dunno. Anyway, who cares? when it feels that great you can call it whatever the hell you like I reckon.) After some rather dark looks and silences from my oldest child...the point was made and taken. It kinda gave off the feeling of what it may have been like if I'd got caught in the act by my parents *shudder*

Miss Jaimee (4), who has always been wary of newcomers in her midst, was so quickly drawn to him, I had to stop my jaw hitting the dirt. These days she'd rather speak to him over the phone, than me. No wonder really, he practically turns into one of the Wiggles and has her captivated from the get-go. How's a woman supposed to compete with that??

As expected, this year I've continued to learn more about myself...how well I adjust to change (or how well I don't), how I feel about commitment, how far I'm prepared to go for something I want, how I need to consider another person as part of my inner 'bubble' of safe people etc. I've written enough for now, I'll get to some of that other stuff next time. Sorry, I know how disappointed you all must be haha.

Oh, I'll tell you something I haven't learned yet...and that is the art of shutting up...who knew?!
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