Thursday, May 08, 2008

Missing the Spark

I'm having withdrawal issues re smoking again. I can feel it in my stomach. That knot that starts getting tighter and tighter each time I realise that I'm a non-smoker. Each time my body thinks "Hm, now feels like a good time for a smoke"...and then the mental gasp of....."You don't smoke, remember??!"

YES!...ALRIGHT!...I REMEMBER!...*mutter mutter*...bitch.

This'll teach me. Serves me right for thinking I was going to be able to smoke for a couple of days (or five) and then stop again without any problem. It's probably one of the phases of the non-smoking thing....I stopped reading Allen Carr's book because I stopped smoking before I even got past chapter 2. I was SO ready to quit.

Apparently Mr Carr suggests/recommends you continue to smoke while you read his book. Course I never got far enough in the book to find out why. NOW, I'm willing to read the whole damn book, but only because it'll give me some kinda weird 'permission' to smoke while I'm reading it. If Allen Carr feels that's the right way to do it, then who am I to disagree? He's been hugely instrumental in helping people stop smoking. And due to the success of his method/book(s) he continues to do so, long after he died of lung cancer.

I went to the doctor last Thursday night for a routine check up....put on 3 kgs...obviously that sucked. Add that to the Jaimee thing on Friday...I bought a packet that evening. So yeah, it's the doctor's and Jaimee's fault, ya know? I ran out of cigarettes on Sunday evening. I bought another packet after work on Monday. The reason? Probably just because I'm breathing. I expect you'll see the irony in that dumbass excuse as much as I do. *sigh*

I want a cigarette so much tonight I feel like crying....or screaming...or both. Consequently, I'm doing a lot of deep breathing. Cameron, completely unimpressed and terribly disappointed with me, said this evening..."Mum, every time I heard the flick of your lighter, a small part of me inside would die". My God, he's so dramatic...he must get that from his father's side *cough*
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