Sunday, June 01, 2008

Filling the Gap, Part 1

Earlier this year when I was having my sabbatical (which is just a fancy word for "trying to hide and hope no-one notices"), I had a decision to make. Believe it or not, and against my better judgement, Neil was still in contact at that point (yeah yeah, I can hear ya, don't ask, it's just too crazy to explain).

ANYWAY, I took my break from the world at large, and then took a two week one from the menfolk. By the end of that, I'd driven myself almost potty trying to sort my shit out. We all know it's that much easier to sort other people's problems than you're own. And considering neither of them were Michael Buble, it just wasn't that cut and dried, ya know?? (I'm gonna have his babies, did I tell you? Just sayin')

Dan was married, Neil was in England. Neil was in the throes of organising a trip to New Zealand...Dan was trying to get himself out of a complicated situation, and attempting to do right by all involved. Now this next part is possibly going to sound like I'm only saying it because Dan reads my blog, and we're now a couple. You don't shit in your own bed, right?

Wrong, (well, it's really not a good idea to crap your bed, trust me, past experience and chonic illness speaking here). So yeah, going back to it....Wrong...I'm saying it like it was. What I REALLY wanted, and yet felt I may never be able to have, were the same thing. And that was Dan. He's the one I wanted, but he was unavailable, despite trying to be in several places and keep several people happy at the same time. That's another wrong. You just CANNOT keep everyone happy. It's NOT possible.

In the meantime, Neil is obviously feeling some 'rumblings' underground, and asking me "So? You and WE are ok, right?" and I'm telling him not to worry, next time we get to chat I'll let him know just how "ok" we really are. Oh my God, Oh My God. Oh. My. Fucking. God. Of all the things I've said to Neil since he stepped back into my life last September, that sentence is the one that sits heavy with guilt in my stomach. Just typing them now actually makes me catch my breath and want to yell, "Liar! Lisa, you are such a fucking LIAR!" (Excuse the language, but going that low deserves a bit of self-loathing I reckon).

Trying to reassure a person that everything's honky dory, when in your heart and mind, you know that it's anything but, is nasty. It's a dirty, nasty feeling. I had the opportunity right there and then to call it quits. I could've told him that things weren't ok, and that despite Dan being unavailable, I still wanted him more regardless. And because of the chickenshit that I can be, I didn't. I clammed up and lied instead.

The next time I spoke with Neil, we spent the majority of of it arguing. Well, it was spent with him giving another one of his lectures and me feeling like a naughty little school girl looking at her shoes. That was pretty much it for me. I'd been through many of these lectures over the years, the majority of them unjustified and I didn't want to have to deal with any more. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. So I never did get to tell him just how ok things were. In fact I did the exact opposite. And I did it via email. Shoddy I know. To give you some kind of time line, I sent that email in March (that's how much longer we stuck at it after the initial breakdown in January).

Obviously there's more involved than I've mentioned above. I wasn't planning to go into all of that up there, I was planning to give you quite a different post altogether. I was actually just working my way up to when I saw Dan again for the first time this year. That would be after the last time in know that disastrous time when everything seem to change with the turn of a page? Yeah. That's where I was going when I first started this.

HOWEVER....I have written plenty already, so I shall save that for next time. Now that I've started I feel I'm just going to write and basically go blah blah blah blah, regardless of whether it's being read or not. This is a good thing yeah? Well, I'll/we'll find that out as I keep blabbering I expect lol.

Oooo, look at me eh? Three posts in a week, who woulda thought. haha
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