Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Ironing Out the Kinks

Hm...I'm doomed if that's the case. I think you probably know by now, that not much in my life is straight. Oh, my sexuality, that's definitely straight (except that one time waaay way back when I was messing around seeing what it was like...yeah, so I kissed a girl and I didn't like it. No cherry chapstick maybe? Anyway, who cares, nuff of that).

When it comes to my household...and my background with men...not very straight. But hey, I'm working on it and as far as I'm concerned I'm on the straight and narrow now, so you can breathe a sigh of relief. God knows I put some of you through some tough reading with all my to-ing and fro-ing a while ago.

I can procrastinate too long at times, and chop and change my mind so often that my life can become virtually akin to zig-zag formation. Not a bad fashion statement in the 60's but under the "OMG You're Kidding Me?!" heading on the mental stability front. And it doesn't stop my brain from having the occasional moment of confusion (yeah whatever, hush up).

A question was asked on the radio the other day, and I can't remember it verbatim, but it was something like "Who can you trust more than anyone or anything else in the world?" Basically that person(s) you know you can always count on and trust with your confidances etc...that's how I took it to mean anyway. I thought about this, and realised that amongst all my loved ones and closest friends, two people in particular stood out.

The first one was Cameron...the second, Anna. I know that regardless of whatever crap I get myself into, whatever half-brained situation I find myself drowning amongst...those two in particular will always, always be there for me. They'll pick me up, drop me off, give out sound, honest opinions and rescue me from myself more times than I care to recall. Granted there are several people I can trust in my inner circle, but possibly not to the same extent as those two. Unconditionally, they've become my wing men over the years.

If any of my other close friends are reading this, I hope I haven't offended you by not putting your name up here. By ommitting your names, it also doesn't mean I love you any less than the two mentioned. Cameron and Anna, I believe, give me a security of trust that goes deep, never flounders and has taken many years to build. I really hope I give the same to them in return.

A couple of months ago, I had a 'moment' about Dan. (Well, I've had shitloads of 'moments' over the past 18 months, but this was after he moved out of the house and after I burned my bridge with Neil ok?) Dan was off out for the evening, just to the pub to watch the rugby. I thought he'd ring me when he got home later that evening...not unusual, in fact pretty typical any other day....but he ended our call with "I'll call you tomorrow after work".'s where the moment struck (btw, this is the first he's heard of it, so it's all news to, Hi Dear). My mind launched into the zig-zag rumba and had phrases running at it, break-neck speed. "How come he's going to wait until that late tomorrow?"....Do you think he's actually going to be seeing someone else and staying overnight?...."Why wouldn't he ring me in the morning before work, like usual?"..."Because he's going to be busy doing something else WITH someone else?". They were coming thick and fast and appeared to be never-ending..."WHY AM I EVEN HAVING THESE BLOODY THOUGHTS??!" (ok, we do know some of the "why", but let's not go down that road right now, if at all.)

I remember that night vividly...I almost made myself sick. You know the pathetic drivel that can get so out of hand you're practically having heart palpitations and want to burst into tears? During this brain-churning session, Cameron came into the room, took a look at my face and said "So? What's up with you then?"...and all that shit came tumbling out. You know sometimes how it's easier to say it out loud?...get it off your chest stuff? Times like this? it's awful...words of insecurity can hang in the air. They sit heavily up there and you panic thinking that everyone is going to see them and think you're a fucking moron...all you really want is someone to come along and shoot them out of the sky.

True to form, Cam used his verbal gun and helped eliminate those thoughts, finishing up with "Gee Mum, Dan wouldn't do that to you." That was really nice to hear at the time and I could feel myself physically relaxing. If Cameron trusted Dan enough to say that, then I was obviously being a complete plonker to entertain such a thought. Course, then he wandered off down the hallway saying "Besides, he needs to be married to you first, lol" !!!!!! Funny boy...not.

I've run out of time, and this is probably not the best place to stop, but I've written enough for the moment. Besides I've managed to get off track and can't figure out where I was going with it now...I really did have a direction when I started this lol.

I'll follow up and finish off once I get it straight in my head again haha *groan*
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