Tuesday, July 22, 2008

It Was a Dark and Stormy Night...

And I don't just mean the weather. You know my previous post just down there? I must've felt something coming on. You know like the calm before the storm kinda thing? God, it just made me think be careful what you wish for....or talk about.

Earlier in the evening Dan and I had been talking on the phone about guilt, not in any great depth, but talking about the guilt of our situation, how we came together etc. The guilt that lingers when you've hurt somebody you care for. My best friend had said that regardless of what you do, what you give to that person, compromise with that person, or even just let them have whatever they ask for (besides the obvious change of mind), the guilt won't go away in a hurry.

I mentioned that I still felt guilty about how I handled things with Neil...it's not something I'm proud of...I hurt him terribly. I'm now passed the point of dwelling on that...I remember it, I feel bad, and I hope he's doing better. I can't taint my future by continually dragging in some of my bad choices and actions from the past. I can only learn from them and handle any similar situation differently, appropriately. (God forbid that will EVER happen again, felt like the proverbial revolving door there for a while *sigh*).

ANYWAY...the restlessness, pacing, feeling like I was missing something (besides my honey of course)...I switched on the computer and blogged about it. The day before I had been changing some settings on my PC, and unbeknownest to me the next night, my ICQ chat programme now boots up automatically on start up. While I was sitting here writing to you lot...I received an instant message from Neil.

My heart dropped into my stomach. "Well, well, look who we have here.." that's what it said. Short of shutting down ICQ, which would have basically just slammed the door in his face...not to mention made me look like I was lacking any shred of courage (I really DO need to get rid of some of my pigheaded pride)...I responded to him.

During our cold and frosty exchange, I find out he's still coming to New Zealand. He's still been in contact with my friend Anne (complete news to me, she'd said nothing), and apparently he's flying to Aussie to meet another good friend of his, so felt why not come over to NZ seeing as he was that close. He also said, then he could meet me face to face and find out the REAL reason he was dumped. The bottom line I believe is...he wants to stand in front of me and make me squirm, because he's convinced I have lied and cheated and he wants me to say it to his face.

I know, and some of you know, that I had indeed lied to him during this time, with all the shit that was going on in my head, and the stupidity of trying to keep everyone happy, I lied to spare feelings and save myself from having more shit flung into the mix. Another foolish mistake. What goes around comes around and now I may have to deal with him in person. I can of course always refuse to see him, and that's if he gives me the courtesy of ringing first as opposed to just turning up on the doorstep. The element of surprise would be more his style.

15 minutes later Dan rang. From the sound of my voice he knew something was obviously very wrong. It wasn't until I was talking to Dan that I realised I was actually physically trembling. I was doing my best to keep it in check, but my voice was shaking and then the dam burst and he had to deal with a near hysterical woman just before starting a night shift.

Neil got as much information out of me as I got out of him that night. Which was bugger all. The man's a Leo...the whole thing felt like a lion stalking it's prey. He was goading me, trying to fish for information, and I was pretty much swerving around it verball, refusing to give an inch. He's aware that Dan and I are a couple, and that's all he really needs to know as far as I'm concerned. If he wants dates and times etc, so he can have some sort of confirmation, he won't get it unless he asks me outright.

I turned up to see Anne the following morning to get some information out of her, and she had no idea when or even IF he's coming. Far as she knows he's not even booked. The two of them have had 4 email exchanges and one chat online over the past 6 months. I won't bother going into how I felt about her not letting me know sooner. It's irrelevant really. Neil was playing games with me during that chat trying to imply that they were thick as thieves (for want of a better phrase lol) and that I would soon be seeing him in my own personal space.

Once I'd spoken to Anne I felt much better I have to say. I'd had fuck all sleep the night before, more because of my friendship with her, than Neil's surprise announcement. I'd be more than happy to avoid him in person, which is sad on some levels. I told him that I could see no point in us meeting in person after everything we'd been through, and that I couldn't see the benefit in it. Perhaps he just needs to have some closure, or perhaps he just wants to give me a piece of his mind in person (as well as on here, it's not like he holds back). Eventually we ended the chat, me saying, "I trust you'll enjoy the rest of your day. Take care"...and him saying "I still think you should meet me for old time's sake".

Old time's sake...yes, I can see the reasoning behind that, certainly. But not after everything we've said and done to each other, in the recent past in particular.

Anyway, I've run out of time, I've got stuff to do before work. Was just thinking it's no wonder I was so bloody restless that night....I must've KNOWN what was coming. It's like The Secret, The Law of Attraction...I put it out there in the universe, by saying his name...and by God, if he didn't materialise before my eyes. Spooky! I also thought it would give you the opportunity to gasp again at something I've written, or at the very least say "Oh for fuck sake Lisa!!" I KNOW you want to! haha

I'm going to start talking about winning the lottery now lol
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