Saturday, January 19, 2008

Toodle Pip

I'm taking a sabbatical.

Just letting you know in case you start to wonder if I've fallen down a dark hole.

I'm still around checking in on my blog favourites but need the time out from my own life and just about everything else right now.

I wish you good health and much happiness. Take care and bye for now xx
Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Where's My Limo?

That's the name of the OPI nail polish on my toes..."Where's My Limo"...cute huh?...oh never mind.

Leilani?...Thank you. Thank you for commenting on that post down there...I couldn't have said it better myself. You're a gem and a good mate...ok, one that asks some frightening questions (via email). Questions that have my brain struggling to monumental proportions, but a great mate nonetheless. Big smooches to you my gorgeous friend.

Right, 'nuff of the mush. You'll be thinking I've been eating too much sugar again. (Have not!)

So anyway, I keep sitting down here to write something...anything...and then my mind scrambles any possible subject I might come up with and I get up again, and walk away.

Actually, this afternoon at work, I was thinking that I'd just come home and do a video post...that'd solve the thought of sitting here in this heat and messing around with the keyboard.

But, on the way home I made a detour to the supermarket...it was crowded with hot, pushy people, all trying to get away and probably thinking the supermarket is the last place they wanted to be. I know it was for me anyway.

What's a girl to do when you're out of milk, bread and butter, and you've already told the kids they'll be having steak and salad for dinner? You can't turn up empty handed when you have two hungry mouths to feed, can you?

I finally got in the door. I looked in the mirror...oh dear. I wasn't going to sit down here looking like that!...Mascara smudged under my eyes and obvious frown lines. The "drained, haggard" look is SO last season don't you think? I would be absolutely thrilled if it ever became the fashion. They'd stick me on the cover of "Vogue", I swear.

And another thing...after getting out of sticky work clothes, I wasn't prepared to be seen on camera, wearing a green camisole with white bra straps showing so prominently underneath. And I sure as hell wasn't going to be seen on camera without one lol.

But I will do another video post soon...I promise. I know you're all holding your breath waiting to feast your eyes upon me and hear my gorgeous accent again (no, no...don't argue, you know it's true...no need to be shy). I mean, honestly...the least I could do is show you in person that I'm really not falling apart at the seams, physically or mentally right?

Speaking of dinner...(yeah...we were)...when I did get home, Cameron decided he didn't feel like steak...and Ryan wasn't even here. He rang 2 minutes later to ask if he could have dinner at his friend's and stay overnight.

I adore my kids, I really do.

Happy Hump Day my lovelies....*mwah*
Monday, January 14, 2008

My Horoscope for Today:

Cancer (June 22 - July 23)

"An outburst does you no favours on the relationship front so take a few moments to cool off. What is it that you are really furious about, the real issue or your lack of control? You are the only one responsible for this difficult situation. You can put an end to it by changing your stance and temporarily going with the flow."

How DO they know??

It's almost like magic, isn't it? Pfft.

Tomorrow I want to read one that says something about dreams coming true and harmony and peace will reign supreme in your life and blah blah blah, warm, fuzzy, wholesome, positive stuff. Fuck that negative shit.

And the swearing...enough of the swearing!

Eh? That was me, you say?

Oh...yeah...that WAS me *sigh*

You know? One day I may just surprise the crap out of you all and get it right!

I promise we'll fly lots of colourful banners and balloons that day, k?

Hell, we'll have a fucking parade to celebrate that milestone, I tell ya!
Friday, January 11, 2008

Mind Games

You know you've been distracted when...

- you drive 50 yards down the street and it's the 3 year old passenger beside you that brings to your attention she's not buckled in - "Oh! My seatbelt Aunty Lisa!";

- you immediately have to apologise and then have a conversation about 'naughty' words and how bad Aunty Lisa is, all.the.way.home, because you just said "Fuck!" in front of said 3 year old without thinking;

- the following day, you jump in the car, put it in gear and instantly move in reverse coming within a hair's breadth of the garage wall behind you;

- you yell at the children for not putting their shoes away...take a seat at the computer, look down and count five pairs that belong to your own feet;

- you discover you're completely out of blood pressure medication and it's the last thing you should be without right now;

- you have to ring work in the morning to ask what time you're expected to be there that day;

- you've driven halfway down the street, only to turn around and head back home to replace your slippers with footwear more suitable to work in;

- stacking the dishwasher, you go to jam a plate in the bottom rack, next to the cutlery and thrust a fork tine up the inside of your thumbnail instead.

BUT... you do feel good thinking you could be getting your focus back when...

- you go to the local pharmacy, purchase a bottle of magic "Rescue Remedy" potion to combat stress levels. Then you notice... *hands covering face with a deep sigh*...you haven't brushed your hair yet, you're still wearing your pyjama top, there's a different earring in each ear and the wisp of cottonwool stuck to your cheek is floating about gracefully with every move you make.

I MUST'VE LOOKED LIKE A FREAKIN' MENTAL HEALTH PATIENT!!

*groan*

Time to do a lot of deep breathing and melodious humming I suspect.
Wednesday, January 09, 2008

The Too Hard Basket

I had a lengthy text conversation with Neil's son last night. Neil's still in hospital and the doctors can't find anything else wrong with him, they believe it's "psychological trauma" that set him off.

He's seen a psychoanalyst and will be doing so again. They'll be keeping him in for a further couple of days to make sure it doesn't recur and he's very withdrawn at the moment. Mike's also said, Neil is asking after me every day, and nobody knows what to tell him. Mike said the best thing for Neil right now, would be for me to make up my mind.

So I did...I told Mike that it was better that I just backed off completely. I told him that I can't continue to keep doing this to Neil, and that by me disappearing I will no longer be screwing around with his father's head or his health.

Mike's obviously angry at my decision, and knows it will further upset his father. He said that if I think he can tell his Dad that, while he's in this condition then I'm very wrong. Do you know how much I hate walking away from him when he needs me the most right now? Yet being the one that triggered this off, how can I be of any help?

But what am I to do? Wait til Neil gets out of hospital and then dump it on him, and possibly send him straight back there? Isn't it wiser, maybe more practical to tell him while he's still there with medical attention close at hand? I don't know anymore.

I'll admit, I DO feel the urge to get on a plane right now...but what's that going to achieve? Besides the hefty opposition I'd be coming up against with his family and friends..the shock of me turning up out of the blue may set him back further. At the very least, it could give him hope.

Should I pretend again? Should I lie, and tell him what he wants to hear to make him happy, even though I'm not? Should I let him come to New Zealand, yet know already that it would only be to keep him happy, not myself? In some ways I feel like saying "Yep sure, come, we'll do the campervan thing around the country and have a great time"...just so he can get here, we can do whatever together and he will go away again finally knowing.

And what happens if he comes here, we're off around the country somewhere and he has another one of these episodes? How do I deal with that then? A depressed psychologically traumatised man in a strange country...can't imagine how easy that would be to cope with. Sounds callous I know, but the possibility of that would scare the bejesus outta me...I'd be on edge the entire time.

Eventually I switched my cellphone off last night, there really wasn't anything more I could say. Of course, I wish him a speedy and full recovery...of course, I care for and love the man, he's been a large part of my life for 8 years now. But all these emotional ups and downs had to stop somewhere...I can't continue to live under this pressure. And I was dealing with it well before Dan came on the scene, so I knew deep down, it had to be done.

I refuse to go back and mess about with his head any longer. I didn't realise how much I was messing with it to be honest...I've actually felt for many years, that he was messing with mine...but there ya go. He's a high maintenance man with standards and expectations I'm exhausted with trying to reach. How many times can one relationship have the shit kicked out of it and still be expected to survive?

There's a major difference between rising to the challenge to make things work...and doing them only because you think it may be necessary, regardless of how ludicrous you believe it is. England to New Zealand is a bloody long way to come when one of you knows they're only doing it for the other person's sake (that made sense, right?).

My feelings for Dan aside...I know it's the right thing to do. I hope sometime in the future, Neil will eventually come to the same conclusion.
Sunday, January 06, 2008

Soap Opera Update

So I made the decision to take some time out from Neil...On Friday morning I asked for two weeks, no email, text or phone contact at all. I needed a breather. I've been feeling under so much pressure, it's been a nightmare trying to juggle two men in such a way.

Foolish of me to think I might actually have a handle on it. I lied to Neil, told him that Dan was no longer in contact. This is not the first time I've lied to Neil...I did it a few years ago. It really is quite hopeless trying to keep everyone happy you know. It can't be done. Well, more to the point, I can't do it and not suffer emotionally and mentally anyway.

Here's the quick version:

- Neil knowing full well that I was already involved with someone else (yet unaware of the married status of that person), asked if he could come to NZ to see me. At that time, he was prepared to come here regardless of my circumstances, and said it was my choice that we meet, secretly or openly. I told him there was no way I would not be able to tell Dan about it, he would have to know. Given that I was waiting for Dan, and for how long was starting to become anyone's guess....I weakened and said Yes.

- As I suspected was eventually going to happen...Neil tried to push Dan out completely, and after me flying down south to see Dan and the general feeling of screwing with each others morals Dan and I both felt strongly during that visit, I allowed it to happen.

- Dan took a few days out to stamp his feet and came back wearing his big-man britches, refusing to give up. He said he was going to continue to call me (as long as I wanted him to) and that he would still be here after Neil left NZ. Obviously I wanted him to, I didn't want to give him up in the first place, but not being able to see a light at the end of the tunnel, it seemed a logical choice. (Pfft, I feel a lesson in logistics coming on)

- Neil thought Dan was gone....and he wanted him to stay gone. After a few attempts of bringing up Dan's name, trying to work the conversation around to my continued contact with him...and Neil hitting the roof about it...I chose to shut my mouth and stopped bringing Dan up at all. Neil had already given his opinion of that situation in a rant, and at the end of it said "You just won't say anything against Dan will you?" My simple response was "No."

- For the past month in particular, Neil and I have done a continuous up/down, up/down, with our relationship...we started bickering about stupid things, little things, things that really weren't important...and things that got blown way out of proportion. I was accused of being selfish, self-centred, insensitive and thoughtless at various times.

- Dan, knowing most of what was going on, and finally getting to the point where he'd had enough, put his foot down and forced my hand, backing me into the proverbial corner. I had to make a choice. I knew it was going to happen. It had to didn't it? I could hardly continue to carry on in this vein.

Jesus!...WHAT WAS I THINKING?!? I've been having headaches for the last month...every day. I thought maybe it was my blood pressure. But no, my BP is better than it's ever been. I had to come to the conclusion that it was caused by the stress of my self-made drama.

So...I opted to ask Neil for a two week breather...I needed the time to think. Did I really want to blow my possible future with Dan completely, to find Neil and I just continued to fight, and then no flights would be booked this month as planned? (Yes, I do know how that sounds you know.)

ANYWAY...the rest of this very looooong story, goes like this. I asked Neil for two weeks out...he over-reacted (as to be expected), spent 3 hours arguing with me about it....he started hyperventilating, his blood pressure hit the ceiling, he phoned the kids, they turned up, paramedics were called...and his daughter-in-law got on the PC, and sent me a quick message..."Done enough now have you Lisa?..."

He's been in hospital since Thursday night...he was heavily sedated, non-reactive, but enough at one point to ask if I'd asked after him. Thankfully he's doing much better today. They don't know what happened to him, but it wasn't a heart attack as first suspected. I found out this info by finally sending an email in the hope someone would fill me in. I was grateful that his daughter in law replied and let me know regardless of the grilling I got from her in that email.

SO, the question now is....will Neil be expecting me to get in touch with him in two weeks time with a decision? or does he even care anymore and would he rather not hear from me at all ever again? While I loathe hurting him (and it's obvious it's far too late to NOT do that)...I'm actually hoping for the latter. And while that may sound selfish and insensitive, I'm hoping I won't have to deal with any more drama.

I apologise for only writing the short version because as I'm sure you'll know, there have been many facets to this saga. This is a cheery way to start the New Year isn't it? ha ha

***
(There you go Larry, that was pretty much for you...the only other three that would want to know are already aware (and that's including the one that's embroiled in it). So basically this was an update for Larry, cos I think you're the only one that may be interested to see what's been going on in the background lol.)
Thursday, January 03, 2008

Happy New Year....

...or not.

The beginning of a new year.

The possibilities could be endless really...or could they?

I guess that remains to be seen.

Did you know, I've been blogging for 3 years now? Yes, I'm amazed too. December 31st, 2004...that was my first ever blog entry. Not that you can tell...for some reason my archives only show up from Jan 2005. Whatever...no biggie.

Funnily enough, I've come full circle. Three years ago, I was faced with making a decision when it came to the men in my life. Yes, that's "men", plural. The last few months, I've found myself again in a similar situation. Two men, one me...now that aint gonna work, is it? I've said "funnily enough"...yet it certainly has no humour to it at all.

How the hell do I get myself into these situations? Is it because I'm weak and insecure? Is it because I'm the procrastinator extraordinaire? Is it because I'm greedy and want everything? Possibly a combination of all the above. Whatever the answer, it's caused me major stress and heartache trying to figure things out.

When it comes to emotions/feelings, being forced to make a choice is never easy. Not when you have such a depth of feeling for both. Three years ago, the decision was actually easier...it didn't feel like it at the time...but that was only because I SO hate hurting anyone...regardless of how I feel about them. I knew who I wanted to be with more back then, I knew which one wasn't right for me.

Despite how the current situation is 'played' out, someone is going to get hurt. Could be either one of them, could be me...could be all three of us. Knowing that you're the cause of such hurt to anybody is horrible...it is a truly nasty feeling. Weighing up the pros and cons of both is a practical, yet somewhat cold and calculating way to do it...far less emotional. And of course, it doesn't always mean you end up making the right choice by doing it that way.

I picked up one of those infamous "No. 8" balls in a shop the other week...shook it up....turned it over to read the answer to my unspoken question...nothing. It didn't give me any answer whatsoever...totally blank. I spent a few minutes, shaking and looking, and still zilch. It was either malfunctioning, or it just didn't know what to tell me. Fucker.

Most of you would probably think I'm completely hopeless at making decisions of any kind...it could also have you wondering how on earth I manage to stumble through my life, seemingly with no structure. Truth be known, most of the time I'm actually pretty good at making decisions...I have to make them all the time...in my work, in my home life, with my sons, my house, my time etc.

When it comes to the impact my choices can have on someone else's heart? Not so much. In fact, not at all. I drag the chain so badly while deliberating, I frustrate and confuse everyone involved, including myself.

In the end, I know I'm going to have to do what I think is right for me. I'll have to go with what feels right...for me. It's a focus that feels selfish, but I believe it's the only way to do it. I know I can live/survive without either of them in my life...it's more of a case of deciding which one I don't want to be without. And of course, I'll have to suffer the consequences if it goes tits up.

"You make your bed, you lie in it." A simple cliche, but one that scares the crap out of me. Let's hope I'm full of so much shit, it won't be fatal if I get some of it knocked out of me eh?