So I made the decision to take some time out from Neil...On Friday morning I asked for two weeks, no email, text or phone contact at all. I needed a breather. I've been feeling under so much pressure, it's been a nightmare trying to juggle two men in such a way.
Foolish of me to think I might actually have a handle on it. I lied to Neil, told him that Dan was no longer in contact. This is not the first time I've lied to Neil...I did it a few years ago. It really is quite hopeless trying to keep everyone happy you know. It can't be done. Well, more to the point, I can't do it and not suffer emotionally and mentally anyway.
Here's the quick version:
- Neil knowing full well that I was already involved with someone else (yet unaware of the married status of that person), asked if he could come to NZ to see me. At that time, he was prepared to come here regardless of my circumstances, and said it was my choice that we meet, secretly or openly. I told him there was no way I would not be able to tell Dan about it, he would have to know. Given that I was waiting for Dan, and for how long was starting to become anyone's guess....I weakened and said Yes.
- As I suspected was eventually going to happen...Neil tried to push Dan out completely, and after me flying down south to see Dan and the general feeling of screwing with each others morals Dan and I both felt strongly during that visit, I allowed it to happen.
- Dan took a few days out to stamp his feet and came back wearing his big-man britches, refusing to give up. He said he was going to continue to call me (as long as I wanted him to) and that he would still be here after Neil left NZ. Obviously I wanted him to, I didn't want to give him up in the first place, but not being able to see a light at the end of the tunnel, it seemed a logical choice. (Pfft, I feel a lesson in logistics coming on)
- Neil thought Dan was gone....and he wanted him to stay gone. After a few attempts of bringing up Dan's name, trying to work the conversation around to my continued contact with him...and Neil hitting the roof about it...I chose to shut my mouth and stopped bringing Dan up at all. Neil had already given his opinion of that situation in a rant, and at the end of it said "You just won't say anything against Dan will you?" My simple response was "No."
- For the past month in particular, Neil and I have done a continuous up/down, up/down, with our relationship...we started bickering about stupid things, little things, things that really weren't important...and things that got blown way out of proportion. I was accused of being selfish, self-centred, insensitive and thoughtless at various times.
- Dan, knowing most of what was going on, and finally getting to the point where he'd had enough, put his foot down and forced my hand, backing me into the proverbial corner. I had to make a choice. I knew it was going to happen. It had to didn't it? I could hardly continue to carry on in this vein.
Jesus!...WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?
I've been having headaches for the last month...every day. I thought maybe it was my blood pressure. But no, my BP is better than it's ever been. I had to come to the conclusion that it was caused by the stress of my self-made drama.
So...I opted to ask Neil for a two week breather...I needed the time to think. Did I really want to blow my possible future with Dan completely, to find Neil and I just continued to fight, and then no flights would be booked this month as planned? (Yes, I do know how that sounds you know.)
ANYWAY...the rest of this very looooong story, goes like this. I asked Neil for two weeks out...he over-reacted (as to be expected)
, spent 3 hours arguing with me about it....he started hyperventilating, his blood pressure hit the ceiling, he phoned the kids, they turned up, paramedics were called...and his daughter-in-law got on the PC, and sent me a quick message..."Done enough now have you Lisa?..."
He's been in hospital since Thursday night...he was heavily sedated, non-reactive, but enough at one point to ask if I'd asked after him. Thankfully he's doing much better today. They don't know what happened to him, but it wasn't a heart attack as first suspected. I found out this info by finally sending an email in the hope someone would fill me in. I was grateful that his daughter in law replied and let me know regardless of the grilling I got from her in that email.
SO, the question now is....will Neil be expecting me to get in touch with him in two weeks time with a decision? or does he even care anymore and would he rather not hear from me at all ever again? While I loathe hurting him (and it's obvious it's far too late to NOT do that)
...I'm actually hoping for the latter. And while that may sound selfish and insensitive, I'm hoping I won't have to deal with any more drama.
I apologise for only writing the short version because as I'm sure you'll know, there have been many facets to this saga. This is a cheery way to start the New Year isn't it? ha ha
***(There you go Larry, that was pretty much for you...the only other three that would want to know are already aware (and that's including the one that's embroiled in it). So basically this was an update for Larry, cos I think you're the only one that may be interested to see what's been going on in the background lol.)